Birthday and thangs

I am 36 years old...right now, today. I have to embrace it, because it is not going to change whether I want it to or not. I have just returned from a 10 day stint in Costa Rica-beautiful-but here it is 3am and I am up. Cant really sleep...either it is the fact that DC does not feel like Costa Rica, or my birthday has awakened me. The latter seems more realistic-though the District is definitely not a tropical paradise it is home. My age, well, it is all in what you do within the dash right? I am just saying, the story goes that it does not matter what date you are born, nor the one on which you die it is all about the dash-what happened between the time you came in and went out.

I get this way on my birthday, reflective and all. But it is real, I mean this year marks my first b-day as a married man. I feel I have already said that, but it can be stated again today. In that statement however, are some inherent responsibilities. Not simply for me but for my family...though it is just us two at the moment that may change in the near future. I say all this because it is very much time for me to take life...well, seriously. I could have a debate with myself on this, in that I do not think that I have been a joke at this life thing...but, where I want to go and how I will get there is more important to me right now than ever before.

It is not all about the change in my marital status, but an even greater change in me. I want to be happy in my daily life. I want my professional career to be just that, a career and not a job. A job is something you go to, a career is that which you do-different right? That is what I need, and therefore at this point I have to make it happen. I know this all sounds cliche and you may go back to an earlier entry and say, look, you made the same statement last year and where are you? Well, progress has been made this past year, so I could say better off. Also, there is no day when you wake up having made it and the work is then over...the work is never over.

I think that is the mistake that people make, and even I have made in my thinking previously. Like with work and luck one day I would make it-get there-grab hold of the brass ring...and all work would be done. Well, it just is not true. The more you make, either financiallly or simply of yourself, the more work there is to manage it. The CEO does not attain that position and find out that the work is over. No, it has really just begun. I understand that right now. It is clear.

It is for this reason that the work that you do, or at least the work that I do in the near future has to be more than indirectly impactful on the world. I feel I can truly effect positive change, so my work should reflect that. Then it is passion, not finance that drives the energy behind the work. It is a totally different yet very much the same. So I guess, all in all, that is my birthday wish...to focus on the work right now and try not to waver from it, understanding in a short time there will be a payoff for the disciplined approach to life. On this birthday, this new year of life, let me dedicate myself to improvement and fulfillment of the dream. Every dream, I have ever had.

Happy Birthday to me.

Second bowl of cereal...

and it is 2:32 AM. I just got in, been out with my wife and family...yeah, I got married over a month ago. I dont really talk about relationships and all on here-this space is meant to be free of the emotions that relationships bring, but I must say marriage is good. The most revolutionary thing a man can do is start a family, and so that is where I am at. She is a lovely and sweet woman. Ideal.

I got another bowl of cereal because I wanted to stay awake...stay awake and write something. Anything is better than nothing. Anything that I can find the energy to say at this time of the morning must be necessary...may even be profound. The summer has been a whirlwind of emotions-my father took to ailing, the "Wedding", viva Las Vegas, my boss leaving...and now I just reside inside of a little space trying to desperately find direction. I am fading though...don't know if I will be able to put much more thought into this entry...sleep is calling me

Crossroads

Not quite like ink to paper...shame, I aint put ink to paper in longer than I have run my fingertips over this here keyboard. But here I am, again. Writing. Funny thing about it, you do not quite know where you will end up, if you just freestyle and be true with your thoughts. Even funnier, how true can you be in cyberspace-where someone is always watching, listening, recording every word. It doesn't really matter to me right now though-guess they will use all this to judge me when I am dead and gone-or dig it up if I run for office and say see...he was a thinker. He let his mind roam, how can he be a good leader? They will say alot, but what truly does yesterday have to do with today? Too much too often I fear, at least in the minds of people. Too much.

But on the real, too much thought is not good either. I think I think too much-aint that something. So much so that I know find myself at a crossroads in my life. Believe me forks have come before, and I have taken one road or the other and I am still here. It is not ironic, but a truly spiritual thing. Each step taken has not been by me but for me by God. Therefore, as I stand at this crossroad today...right now, I am hesitant to move. I do not know which way I want to go, and thus God has place a probable option ootu there for me. But I also do not know if the option is really there or is if just an image of something I want to see-like a mirage? If it is truly there than I will soon know, and at that point the game for me begins.

I guess I should rephrase that, life is no game. But there are times when I feel like I am just a minor player in something that is much bigger than me, and all too familiar. Like when I played ball I knew there had to be a winner and a loser. But in life I do not want to compete. I know at times we must and it can be rewarding, but it is not a constant feeling of elation gained in competition. Not on every level and not necessarily with friends. None-the-less I stand here, alone and struggling to figure out my next move. I assume there is time to do that in the space I am presently in-confusion, happiness, excitement and anxiety all bound together by a series of circumstances. All those circumstances culminating here a as a blog entry. I am just trying to figure out the right path.

Wants and Needs

I want a new car. Seriously. It is like I am addicted to looking at SUVs, SUVs even...of all the gas guzzling unnecessary behemoth-sized vehicles to be addicted to...I want one. Mind you, my car is running fine and whats more it will be paid off in like 4 months. Still the want of something new is within me and it is driving me to lots more frequently than ever. The internet is the new way to shop for a car, so you can just google cars (SUVs) everyday and imagine owning one. It is not like I have never owned an SUV before, but I have been in a Sedan for nearly 4 years and I am over it. So, I play on e-mail daily and last week for the first time went out and drove a few. No deals...so I walked away. But I am weakening...

I do not need a new car. I do not need a new anything for that matter. Maybe a new attitude at times, but nothing tangible. I have all a man should need-a good woman, a job, great family and friends...a job :-), did I already write that, and a good woman...those two things you can say over and over. I need both of them. My wants...well, they are illustrated through the daily ritual I play with my emotions googling SUVs. Wants are unnessary nice-to=haves that in my case, provide more comfortable accomodations to and fro where ever whenever you want. Still, got to stay close to the needs and leave those wants alone. Pookie needs to stay off AutoTrader-

Change...

I used to think LOVE was the most over-used and misunderstood term in the English language, but now I think "change" may be running a close second. The election of President Obama, has forced us into a constant dialogue about change, and the goodness of its possibility. I would be lying if I said that I was not also excited about whatever change could mean for African-Americans, for Americans in general...for the country and even the world. However, I never really stopped to think about what "successful change" would even look or feel like to me. What is it that I wanted to see change, and how?

Besides disliking Bush and his policies, and leaning to either the liberal or moderate side and wanting public policy to somehow illustrate that theme...what are most Americans looking for? Change, to a certain extent, has come...at least in the symbolic form. We have a different racial dynamic in the White House-so what is the change we were hoping for beyond that? Some will say equality...but what does it look like? Opportunity...but to do what? Jobs-in what field of work?

I put these thoughts out there because it would seem that the masses of people are expecting this 'change' to be provided to them. Like at a fast food restaurant, you pay your money or your vote that is, and order some fresh change and you get to the window and it is yours for the taking. But what part do each of us play in assisting the nation in embracing the change we so desire? Are we prepared to accept our role, and more importantly play our part? In other words, what part of the world, however insignificant, did you change today?