We sent my grandmother home today, Mary Louise Banks. She was 90 years old. She was my favorite person. She just, well, she put so much into me. So much life, and I tried to be a good grandson I really did. But, I always think of more I could of done; things I could have said; time I could have spent. I actually know there is no place for that right now...that guilt accompanies death like personal servant-attending to all its needs. I need not buy into guilt right now, but part of me wants to dwell in this sad place...the pain, the tears somehow bring me closer to her. I know this all sounds like nonsense but emotions have no basis in fact or reality. They are not bound to rules or parameters...emotions are free and whether you choose to submit to them or not, they are ever-present. On days such as this one, their power is overwhelming.
I cannot be sad but I cannot be happy either. My grandma is gone; outside this existence and entering into a new day. A day undefined by time, hours or minutes, and lasting infinitely.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Extended
I was in a training class today-actually an executive leadership class and the coach asked everyone how they were feeling at the end of it. People went about the normal list of terms-"motivated", "present", "engaged"...yada, yada, yada. I mean I am usually on that train as well, but today, well just in general lately I have felt particularly extended. Almost like Mr. Fantastic. Not familiar with the Fantastic Four? Well, Mr. Fantastic the self-appointed leader of the four, was basically an elastic man-whose limbs could stretch hundreds of feet. In every one of their adventures it would somehow be necessary for him to stretch to the maximum of his body limit to stop a train, or save a helpless citizen. Afterwards however, he would be stretched out (literally) and weak. Extended.
I just think I have so much happening that the thing I really need to take care of-my dissertation proposal, is the last piece of work that I have touched. I sit here now and write a blog when I could be taking a few minutes to do something toward it. But I always say tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I will do no more tomorrow but it make me feel okay about today...Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow...yeah, you get it right. I am succumbing to what many have called self-sabotage. I must fight my way out of my way...or I am destined to not quite get this right.
Still, regardless of what I have to do-I feel drained. Like no matter how much work I put in, there is only more work as the prize. It is like being inside a box and working diligently to break out of that box, and you bust through and find-you are still in another box. So you begin to work on busting out of that and you finally make it and...another box. No light just tunnel. It can be discouraging...and at times can move you into the space of nothingness. What is nothingness? Well, it is when you do nothing, say nothing, feel nothing and have nothing to look forward to. Got to, for me to be successful, make something out of nothing.
I just think I have so much happening that the thing I really need to take care of-my dissertation proposal, is the last piece of work that I have touched. I sit here now and write a blog when I could be taking a few minutes to do something toward it. But I always say tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I will do no more tomorrow but it make me feel okay about today...Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow...yeah, you get it right. I am succumbing to what many have called self-sabotage. I must fight my way out of my way...or I am destined to not quite get this right.
Still, regardless of what I have to do-I feel drained. Like no matter how much work I put in, there is only more work as the prize. It is like being inside a box and working diligently to break out of that box, and you bust through and find-you are still in another box. So you begin to work on busting out of that and you finally make it and...another box. No light just tunnel. It can be discouraging...and at times can move you into the space of nothingness. What is nothingness? Well, it is when you do nothing, say nothing, feel nothing and have nothing to look forward to. Got to, for me to be successful, make something out of nothing.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Standing in the Gap
So I am a big brother. Not literally, but a Big in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I have been in the program for, well, about 5 years. My little is a good kid, but just hit 13 and well I think change is in our midst. Not change for the worse, but just teenage change and my role has to change as well. I don't ever mean to say I would try to be anyone's father-I have a son-but I need to be more involved. He is a young African American male, growing up in one of the toughest neighborhoods in DC, toughest in the country for that matter...and he is very much a boy. A good boy. The kind that the streets love to devour, detour, disintegrate...destroy. I cannot say I will not let that happen-what will happen will happen. But I must do my part to not allow it to happen.
Life is full of responsibilities-some you take on willing and others that just stand in front of you asking to be acquired. I am not one to run from responsibility. I feel that not only do I have a responsibility to every little boy, especially little African American boys, but most specifically to my little brother. I have known him since he was 8 years old. I remember meeting him at the Big Brothers/Sisters Office. He was with his mom and grandma. They had to check me out and ask some questions-then I met him. Skinny little kid with a big head-he would be so mad if he read that. Big ol' eyes just taking me in. He will never know I was actually scared to meet him too. I had been trying to get into the program for a while, but at first I could not get in contact with the right office, then they lost my fingerprints, then I got busy and just did not respond to calls...and finally, he and I sit across from one another.
I couldn't really say exactly why it was so important for me to be in the program. I guess it is that I have a great dad, and I knew both my grandfathers and spent an enormous amount of time with them. I am who I am because of the men in my life. I just felt I needed to be appreciative of the love that was given to me and not take that blessing for granted...and just try to give back a bit, if I could. Maybe I could help at least one little guy. Maybe.
The time has just passed by, and we have spent some great times together. I love this kid, sincerely, and I want the best for him. Young people are the only hope our future has, and they are beautiful...every one of them. It is just that some of the challenges they face are unfair, unjust and simply unequal. But that is the situation they have been placed in. The cards they have been dealt. People like me, and maybe you if your are reading this, are their only hope at times. That is just how it has been laid out. The cards that we have been dealt.
I am not trying to save the world, not all of it at once LOL. But I do want to make a difference. I have to do the right thing. It is necessary for my own survival. It is just how I am wired. I am not saying all this to paint some perfect picture of myself-not at all. Every man has their vices, issues, demons to be exorcised. But in my heart, I truly live to help people. Young people are so amazing to me. Their energy, ingenuity and naivety all rolled up into one is something that can fade over time-which is in part good but more so bad. Their eyes full of so much passion and confidence...as if nothing could ever shift them from their dreams and vision of the world. We must support that belief in the impossible...enforce imagination and sponsor dreams, as much as we can. If we do not, then...well, they become lifeless souls who exist for material gain and individual pleasure-and do not understand that each person has been placed here with a purpose...beyond him or herself. A purpose for humanity, that they must fulfill.
Regardless, I need to just be a better friend to my little right now. He is going through some things, growing pains, that can cause a young man to lose his focus. It is a precious time, and without significant "positive" role models than others will be found, and they may not have his best interest at heart. I, for the moment, am still cool to him. I have to capitalize on that-while it lasts. I will pray that God watches over him, and affords me the time to invest a bit more into him as well. Together, I pray we can help influence his life. We all must stand in the gap for folks at some point, because if you truly analyze your own journey you will know that many others stood in the gap for you. Give back...and receive life.
Not of blood relation but we still
kin-folk
Been told stories of my granddaddy's peoples
that was separated and sold
so we don't know if we really distant
cousins
doesn't matter be my
brother
regardless
and I will come when he call
lift him if he fall
stand beside in trouble
and applaud in triumph
for his victory is my own
and we have grown in our short
time together
yet a relationship not measured
by hours and seconds
but the investment in one another
the intangibles gained
frame the picture round our existence
and bear witness,
I will be here when the losses outweigh the wins
the good deeds overshadowed
by sins
and the world casts doubt on your very name
I promise to be the same
solid
situated differently than all others
simply put
Your brother...
Copyright 12
Life is full of responsibilities-some you take on willing and others that just stand in front of you asking to be acquired. I am not one to run from responsibility. I feel that not only do I have a responsibility to every little boy, especially little African American boys, but most specifically to my little brother. I have known him since he was 8 years old. I remember meeting him at the Big Brothers/Sisters Office. He was with his mom and grandma. They had to check me out and ask some questions-then I met him. Skinny little kid with a big head-he would be so mad if he read that. Big ol' eyes just taking me in. He will never know I was actually scared to meet him too. I had been trying to get into the program for a while, but at first I could not get in contact with the right office, then they lost my fingerprints, then I got busy and just did not respond to calls...and finally, he and I sit across from one another.
I couldn't really say exactly why it was so important for me to be in the program. I guess it is that I have a great dad, and I knew both my grandfathers and spent an enormous amount of time with them. I am who I am because of the men in my life. I just felt I needed to be appreciative of the love that was given to me and not take that blessing for granted...and just try to give back a bit, if I could. Maybe I could help at least one little guy. Maybe.
The time has just passed by, and we have spent some great times together. I love this kid, sincerely, and I want the best for him. Young people are the only hope our future has, and they are beautiful...every one of them. It is just that some of the challenges they face are unfair, unjust and simply unequal. But that is the situation they have been placed in. The cards they have been dealt. People like me, and maybe you if your are reading this, are their only hope at times. That is just how it has been laid out. The cards that we have been dealt.
I am not trying to save the world, not all of it at once LOL. But I do want to make a difference. I have to do the right thing. It is necessary for my own survival. It is just how I am wired. I am not saying all this to paint some perfect picture of myself-not at all. Every man has their vices, issues, demons to be exorcised. But in my heart, I truly live to help people. Young people are so amazing to me. Their energy, ingenuity and naivety all rolled up into one is something that can fade over time-which is in part good but more so bad. Their eyes full of so much passion and confidence...as if nothing could ever shift them from their dreams and vision of the world. We must support that belief in the impossible...enforce imagination and sponsor dreams, as much as we can. If we do not, then...well, they become lifeless souls who exist for material gain and individual pleasure-and do not understand that each person has been placed here with a purpose...beyond him or herself. A purpose for humanity, that they must fulfill.
Regardless, I need to just be a better friend to my little right now. He is going through some things, growing pains, that can cause a young man to lose his focus. It is a precious time, and without significant "positive" role models than others will be found, and they may not have his best interest at heart. I, for the moment, am still cool to him. I have to capitalize on that-while it lasts. I will pray that God watches over him, and affords me the time to invest a bit more into him as well. Together, I pray we can help influence his life. We all must stand in the gap for folks at some point, because if you truly analyze your own journey you will know that many others stood in the gap for you. Give back...and receive life.
Not of blood relation but we still
kin-folk
Been told stories of my granddaddy's peoples
that was separated and sold
so we don't know if we really distant
cousins
doesn't matter be my
brother
regardless
and I will come when he call
lift him if he fall
stand beside in trouble
and applaud in triumph
for his victory is my own
and we have grown in our short
time together
yet a relationship not measured
by hours and seconds
but the investment in one another
the intangibles gained
frame the picture round our existence
and bear witness,
I will be here when the losses outweigh the wins
the good deeds overshadowed
by sins
and the world casts doubt on your very name
I promise to be the same
solid
situated differently than all others
simply put
Your brother...
Copyright 12
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Pressure Bursts Pipes
So this life thing, well, is not a straight path to the next stage. The road is filled with potholes and detours, curves and round-abouts. Life. It is as if as soon as you think you have some things figured out, or it is all going, well, well...it happens. Not any it in particular, just it. It is not defined by any specific terms, other than "it" is unexpected and unnecessary and at times uncheap-or rather it is expensive. This is the life game. Unpredictable.
It happened to me today. I was already in it, like this situation with my house. So here is the breakdown: I am outside messing with my dog, come in the house and hear water dripping...really running as if the faucet is on. So I go into the half bath and there it is. Water is busting through one of the walls! WTyou know the rest! So I yell to my wife, who at this point I know is in the shower-not that I know know but the water-I know. So I am like-BABE, GET OUT THE SHOWER! She is like what? You gonna wake the baby...long story short, pipe burst over the bathroom ceiling-which was the drain pipe for the upstairs bath and all kinds of goodness just bust through the wall. Today the plumber basically "tore up" the bathroom to fix the pipe...and there are big sanitary dryers all over the house. That is the setting for "it" to happen again.
Not another pipe, but after I stay off work to deal with the gifts from years past that poured out of aforementioned pipe, I was rushing to work. Now, the whole rushing to work when you are about 4 hours beyond your start time is an oxymoron. Yeah, so me, the oxymoron himself is "rushing" to work like Brandon Jacobs through the Patriots front four...I don't even like the Giants but that was my Sportscenter moment. In the rush, I hit a red light, stop, light turns green, go-damn. Car in front of me, well...yeah. So I hit it.
I am dead wrong so I handle the fender bender-literally-like a man and take care of almost everything on the spot. But my energy is off. Not only has my house been jacked for days, which has the wife and little one off a bit, I been showering at our neighbors house, my money could always be better and tadow...banged out the whip. So, with the job on my neck, home out of order and now this...my own pipes on the verge. So I write. I mean, there are plenty of folks in a lot worse situation than me...but I always have this to say about that-this is my situation. Let me break this theory down.
Everytime you are going through something, anything, and you maybe reveal that to someone else he or she always says-well, you know it could be worse or there are other people worse off than you. I usually reply with something like "yeah, that is right". Most often because I feel obligated, at that moment, to act is if I give a flying fig about this other, imaginary person that I do not know, about their potential misfortune that when compared to mine is "worse." So, I say all of that-in a run-on sentence at that-to simply say-why the hell do people say that? I mean we all know that it could be worse, but I said that this time when the wall burst with water from five years ago spilling out on the floor-"could be worse" I said. Today...it is.
I am not saying I do not feel other folks issues, or that it always goes from bad to terrible-only once in a while. But at the same time, your issue is your issue. No matter what happens to Tom, Dick and Harry what matters is what happens to you. How you feel is important-no bump that-how you feel is really all that matters at least sometimes. So if it is all jacked up, and your day totally sucks-you should not have to try and imagine someone else's misery to feel better. Just go ahead and get your "feel bad" on. Let it go. Cry. Fuss someone out. Go to the park and yell. Write...an angry blog entry. I don't know, but don't be made to feel bad about feeling bad. You have to understand feeling bad to recognize when it is really starting to feel good. If all that pressure is allowed to build up-and even at its pinnacle someone tells you to get over it or think about the guy who doesn't have whatever-they may get the business. So, to corral those emotions allow yourself to feel, heal, and release. It may not be that deep tomorrow, but today. Yeah, be easy.
Mine
is not your issue
and although
you may have one
close to the same
it ain't
how I feel is real
to me
so before you
begin
refrain
from saying things
like it could be worse
or look on the bright side
I might
one day...
maybe even tomorrow
reassess my
situation
but at present
my patience has left the
building
and perhaps you
should follow suit
it's not that this is
a pity party
but if so
what is it to you?
the table is set for
one
no need for opinions
motivational speeches
or sermonettes
just let me have my moment
in time I may forget
but that time is not right this
second
I want to wallow in this a while
ignore my cell phone ringing
delete all text upon receipt
cut someone off while driving
give 'em the bird if they beep
I am just all in my feelings
and regardless if
you have been down this path
before
I don't want to hear your story
I will Helen Keller you
can't hear you and can't see you
nothing you can do
except, well...shut the hell up
and leave me to my misery
I will get back at you when I am
up
until then...
down is where I
be
copyright 2012
Iron sharpens iron
Proverbs 27:17 states "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I have often used this statement but living it, truly, has been something that I have only done on occasion. I mean I feel like many of my friends are exactly that for me...iron. We rap, discuss, debate, argue, celebrate and even admire the growth and progress of one another. But that was just my friends...I never really interacted on a regular basis with folks in my professional space that well, could sharpen me. Most recently I have been in this leadership program and for the first time in a long time, I feel different about the work we are doing. My colleagues and I, all from the same government agency and kind of at the middle management level, are in the program together and I must say...it has really inspired me.
The funny thing about inspiration, is often you want to be inspired but nothing has happened to bring about that emotion. In other words, inspiration is always on the cusp of occurring, at least for some...it just needs the moment to be called forth. So, in that vain, being in class with a group of people that kind of see the world differently and also feel that they can evoke change in a major government institution-well, it is inspiring. Still, inspiration is just the catalyst for any substantial change you are willing to "work" to make. I say it like that because if there is no work, there is no change. Inspiration in that way, is a good hymnal on Sunday morning, but no sermon.
So, the leadership team has been inspired, even challenged, to bring about change in our organization. Now, change is one of those words that at times is used as a noun-like it is this thing...but change in my opinion should always be a verb. A verb means there is action behind the word-it is not stationary or static. It is moving, growing, developing...changing. The folks that I am in the group with, they want to be that. It is crazy, I mean I may be one of the youngest folks there but age does not matter-or it doesn't have to-if you are passionate about making an impact. I have been to alot of trainings and getting hype on what is "possible" has occurred before-but as stated earlier not with people in my same lane. I want that to matter...so, it does.
It is essential, even beyond this leadership moment I feel like I am having right now, to continue to ebb and flow with folks who are eagles. Eagles look to soar, high above all else and find their nesting place in the sky. I want to soar...never touch the earth you know. High above all the issues that can remove you from your purpose. But, it is very hard to do when all around you is unlike you. You find yourself misaligned. It is a shame that there are times when it seems that more folks would be happier if you were to fail than succeed, but that is the reality for many people. I realized early in life that I was not to be, well, what the youth of today call a "hater". Why? I mean, I have been envious of others many times-and even had to stop myself from "questioning" others' success. I understand that as a human, emotions at times rise within us...but for it to get to the level of hating, well that is more than I am comfortable with.
If you keep strong folks around you, you are stronger. I gain energy off of positive people in motion. The blessing is that God has always placed these types of people in my path. This iron, that only he knew was necessary for me to ascend and do the work he would have me do. So in turn, I try to pay it forward, and be that piece of iron for others around me. Look at them and see beyond the now and into the what is supposed to be. I realize that encouragement and motivation are free. So I provide them willingly. Never know what a powerful message a bit of encouragement can be to someone-regardless of his or her situation or social status.
We all need to evaluate ourselves at times. Make sure that we are progressing at a speed relative to those we find commonality with. In other words, life is not a race, nor a competition, but it is a path that we all have to travel, that is best endured with company. Company should not weigh you or slow you down, but assist and speed you up...at least keep pace. Iron. The people around you should make you want to be better, and you should return the favor. It only makes sense...you are the company you keep. Iron.
The funny thing about inspiration, is often you want to be inspired but nothing has happened to bring about that emotion. In other words, inspiration is always on the cusp of occurring, at least for some...it just needs the moment to be called forth. So, in that vain, being in class with a group of people that kind of see the world differently and also feel that they can evoke change in a major government institution-well, it is inspiring. Still, inspiration is just the catalyst for any substantial change you are willing to "work" to make. I say it like that because if there is no work, there is no change. Inspiration in that way, is a good hymnal on Sunday morning, but no sermon.
So, the leadership team has been inspired, even challenged, to bring about change in our organization. Now, change is one of those words that at times is used as a noun-like it is this thing...but change in my opinion should always be a verb. A verb means there is action behind the word-it is not stationary or static. It is moving, growing, developing...changing. The folks that I am in the group with, they want to be that. It is crazy, I mean I may be one of the youngest folks there but age does not matter-or it doesn't have to-if you are passionate about making an impact. I have been to alot of trainings and getting hype on what is "possible" has occurred before-but as stated earlier not with people in my same lane. I want that to matter...so, it does.
It is essential, even beyond this leadership moment I feel like I am having right now, to continue to ebb and flow with folks who are eagles. Eagles look to soar, high above all else and find their nesting place in the sky. I want to soar...never touch the earth you know. High above all the issues that can remove you from your purpose. But, it is very hard to do when all around you is unlike you. You find yourself misaligned. It is a shame that there are times when it seems that more folks would be happier if you were to fail than succeed, but that is the reality for many people. I realized early in life that I was not to be, well, what the youth of today call a "hater". Why? I mean, I have been envious of others many times-and even had to stop myself from "questioning" others' success. I understand that as a human, emotions at times rise within us...but for it to get to the level of hating, well that is more than I am comfortable with.
If you keep strong folks around you, you are stronger. I gain energy off of positive people in motion. The blessing is that God has always placed these types of people in my path. This iron, that only he knew was necessary for me to ascend and do the work he would have me do. So in turn, I try to pay it forward, and be that piece of iron for others around me. Look at them and see beyond the now and into the what is supposed to be. I realize that encouragement and motivation are free. So I provide them willingly. Never know what a powerful message a bit of encouragement can be to someone-regardless of his or her situation or social status.
We all need to evaluate ourselves at times. Make sure that we are progressing at a speed relative to those we find commonality with. In other words, life is not a race, nor a competition, but it is a path that we all have to travel, that is best endured with company. Company should not weigh you or slow you down, but assist and speed you up...at least keep pace. Iron. The people around you should make you want to be better, and you should return the favor. It only makes sense...you are the company you keep. Iron.
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