Father...

Humbled by the blessings bestowed upon my person
not certain that I am deserving
but no need to question the gift of my
child's existence
nor to speculate on the allowance of the one
on the way
mine is to protect and cherish each of them
to honor and uphold
to teach, love, develop and mold
and to be
present
every day of their lives
whether near or far my responsibility
is to provide
to give enough of me that they are better prepared
for everything
even the unknown and unseen
to offer them space to become all that they
imagine within their dreams
while allowing dreams to be believed
to never lie, cheat or mislead...
to increase their opportunities
by capitalizing on my own
be the only role model that it is necessary for them to
know
show them respect and affection,
care and sympathy
to wipe their tears, chase away their fears...
provide shelter, clothes and food to eat
to be a man
understanding that I am and will always be their the first example of
to introduce them to God, his precious son...and acknowledge the angels and ancestors
above
but most importantly and beyond all else
to respect and love their mother
for she is the half of my whole
and as that relationship flourishes
so too does the nourishment flow to our
babies...
born to the world as blessings bestowed
by my Father
to I and she
so I pray the efforts I make
for my children
are in gratitude for all that has been done for me...
so humble I am to have received these gifts
I will love them forever
and beyond
eternity

Daddy loves you Cameron and Logan

Copyright 2014

You...

Who I know not yet,
yet I am aware that you are here
already
scared...I am I guess but that may not
seem to make sense
at the present time
time has passed so fast
and the last time I knew of one like you
well I felt somewhat the same
excited yet
responsible still, and even more so now
that you are near
here even
but some how on the way
coming
so to speak
and I await your arrival
thrilled that you would choose me to be with
as if we are connected
as if you are a part of me
you
are
I know this in my heart
and mind
soul centered on acceptance
of blessings bestowed on my person
am I deserving of God's favor
of you
at all
I wish to be
so in that wish I must prepare
for your arrival
make a place for you amongst the space
within my space
thoughts, emotions, chambers
of my being
allow room for you
but it is ironic
I find that you are already
there
present
as if you arrived while I was sleeping
traveling within my dreams
with nothing...
no baggage
naked to the world you are
clothed in the hopes and intentions
of a people long past
ancestral images cast upon your face
your likeness
familiar
yet unique
never seen before
new
beautiful
and fear has vacated my being
you are an illusion
of tomorrow
the hope within my vision
and I am in love with my imagination
for you dwell there
but only for an instant
for you are near
hear your heart beat when I breathe
so I inhale silently
to draw you close
a reflection of all that is to be
you
a reflection
of all that is good within
me

Ray Crawford
Copyright 2014

Seeking direction...

wandering through the wilderess
of the west
lost but blessed
we be for all the
sacrifices
made
tests passed without mistake
mistakes made less regrets
regrets that make for great stories
stories that bring light
to the wilderness
whilst we wander
looking for ourselves

Faded Hiatus

So I have been out of the office for 3 weeks...the first to take care of my sick 2-year old son, but the next two to write and basically move myself into the zone of finishing this dissertation.  It has been a grind, but also a lovely experience to just be researching, interviewing, thinking and doing at least a lil bit of writing.  Now-well, I gots to go back to the gig.  It is always difficult after being out for a while to get back into the saddle-but I have to hit the ground running.  There is a lot of different moving parts at my job and well I have to get everything in order and quickly.  I may not be there, so much mentally right now but it is where I have to be.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time on here trying to get my mind right...this is sort of like my safe space.  In between words and sentences...consonants and punctuation-I am free in this space.  Writing just whatever comes to mind.  That is even what I have been doing with the dissertation, however it comes to mind.  Tomorrow...well, it will be different.  The difference for me is though, well, I have to approach it all in a different way.  Only take on what I feel I can handle in a particular moment.  Understand that it is not about me, but the process of getting work done.  Empower others.  Lastly, don't take it all so seriously.

Prayerfully I can listen more, talk less, and just allow myself to fall back into to work.  Another hour it will be a new day.  Not back to the same, but on to a more positive perspective.  Pray for me yall.

34...to go

Before I enter a new decade of existence.  A little over a month.  What is next is almost cliche at this point, I say it so much.  Don't really have an answer for the question that now haunts me.  What is next, at the big number.  I mean age, cliche coming at ya, is nothing more than a number anyway but well, it has some relevance in life.  I front sometimes, or rather try to act as if I am not affected by the total revolutions of the earth but I am...especially when a new decade approaches.

I think the problem with birthdays after a certain age as they speak more to mortality than immortality.  Like, when you are young the next birthday brings with it so much excitement...13, 16, 18, 21, 25, 30...umm, yeah, kinda stop getting hype round there.  Still it is all very much about being young, or your age...hey man, I am just 30 something...not. Anymore that is.  I will not be.  Have not really grasped it all yet.  The literal aspects of it-the number you know.  Like, I am entering a club I heard about but it doesn't look like a lot of folks inside...lonely maybe.

On the flip side of anxiety regarding the sheer number itself is the practical and competitive me with me.  So, what have I accomplished?  What am I doing with my life, and am I en route to there?  Where, well, that next level of course.  Getting paid, living large, ballin...or just really enjoying what I do and being financially okay at the same time.  Questioning that right now you know.  The number does that to people.  Makes you question if you have really been working hard...enough.  Time is getting shorter...like days in the fall; wish I could fall back sometimes...midlife savings time.

But regardless of anxiety and emotion it is coming.  The number approaches, the number approaches...run for your life.  At least exercise more and eat better.  That is what the number does, makes you think a little bit more about the Venti Carmel Frappucino-and say naw-just black coffee for me.  And a water.  Side of boredom.  But seriously, I got to get it together only 34 more days to go.  Really like 33 and 1/3 as today is about shot.  33 days.

Maybe I am tripping because my wife is younger than me.  I mean, I knew that when we met.  She is great, just young...:-)  I can't say I don't love that, but it does make me think about my age sometimes.  Probably should up my life insurance.  Just jokes world...just trying to cope with this aging process that is all.  Just trying to get all prepared for the number.  Never really cared but for some reason this time it is on my mind.  At least right now.

I think it is all really about where do I feel I am in life, and basically how do I get to a "best" space?  Not so much worried about getting older, just analyzing whether or not I am moving forward as time progresses.  This is the question.  33 and 1/3 days to think it through.