Crossroads

Not quite like ink to paper...shame, I aint put ink to paper in longer than I have run my fingertips over this here keyboard. But here I am, again. Writing. Funny thing about it, you do not quite know where you will end up, if you just freestyle and be true with your thoughts. Even funnier, how true can you be in cyberspace-where someone is always watching, listening, recording every word. It doesn't really matter to me right now though-guess they will use all this to judge me when I am dead and gone-or dig it up if I run for office and say see...he was a thinker. He let his mind roam, how can he be a good leader? They will say alot, but what truly does yesterday have to do with today? Too much too often I fear, at least in the minds of people. Too much.

But on the real, too much thought is not good either. I think I think too much-aint that something. So much so that I know find myself at a crossroads in my life. Believe me forks have come before, and I have taken one road or the other and I am still here. It is not ironic, but a truly spiritual thing. Each step taken has not been by me but for me by God. Therefore, as I stand at this crossroad today...right now, I am hesitant to move. I do not know which way I want to go, and thus God has place a probable option ootu there for me. But I also do not know if the option is really there or is if just an image of something I want to see-like a mirage? If it is truly there than I will soon know, and at that point the game for me begins.

I guess I should rephrase that, life is no game. But there are times when I feel like I am just a minor player in something that is much bigger than me, and all too familiar. Like when I played ball I knew there had to be a winner and a loser. But in life I do not want to compete. I know at times we must and it can be rewarding, but it is not a constant feeling of elation gained in competition. Not on every level and not necessarily with friends. None-the-less I stand here, alone and struggling to figure out my next move. I assume there is time to do that in the space I am presently in-confusion, happiness, excitement and anxiety all bound together by a series of circumstances. All those circumstances culminating here a as a blog entry. I am just trying to figure out the right path.

Wants and Needs

I want a new car. Seriously. It is like I am addicted to looking at SUVs, SUVs even...of all the gas guzzling unnecessary behemoth-sized vehicles to be addicted to...I want one. Mind you, my car is running fine and whats more it will be paid off in like 4 months. Still the want of something new is within me and it is driving me to lots more frequently than ever. The internet is the new way to shop for a car, so you can just google cars (SUVs) everyday and imagine owning one. It is not like I have never owned an SUV before, but I have been in a Sedan for nearly 4 years and I am over it. So, I play on e-mail daily and last week for the first time went out and drove a few. No deals...so I walked away. But I am weakening...

I do not need a new car. I do not need a new anything for that matter. Maybe a new attitude at times, but nothing tangible. I have all a man should need-a good woman, a job, great family and friends...a job :-), did I already write that, and a good woman...those two things you can say over and over. I need both of them. My wants...well, they are illustrated through the daily ritual I play with my emotions googling SUVs. Wants are unnessary nice-to=haves that in my case, provide more comfortable accomodations to and fro where ever whenever you want. Still, got to stay close to the needs and leave those wants alone. Pookie needs to stay off AutoTrader-

Change...

I used to think LOVE was the most over-used and misunderstood term in the English language, but now I think "change" may be running a close second. The election of President Obama, has forced us into a constant dialogue about change, and the goodness of its possibility. I would be lying if I said that I was not also excited about whatever change could mean for African-Americans, for Americans in general...for the country and even the world. However, I never really stopped to think about what "successful change" would even look or feel like to me. What is it that I wanted to see change, and how?

Besides disliking Bush and his policies, and leaning to either the liberal or moderate side and wanting public policy to somehow illustrate that theme...what are most Americans looking for? Change, to a certain extent, has come...at least in the symbolic form. We have a different racial dynamic in the White House-so what is the change we were hoping for beyond that? Some will say equality...but what does it look like? Opportunity...but to do what? Jobs-in what field of work?

I put these thoughts out there because it would seem that the masses of people are expecting this 'change' to be provided to them. Like at a fast food restaurant, you pay your money or your vote that is, and order some fresh change and you get to the window and it is yours for the taking. But what part do each of us play in assisting the nation in embracing the change we so desire? Are we prepared to accept our role, and more importantly play our part? In other words, what part of the world, however insignificant, did you change today?

Don't Call it a Comeback

The New Year has begun, 2009, and I am once again in Graduate School. It has been a long time coming, but I know...yeah, yeah. I took a little hiatus, I call it a hiatus in humility but my pilgrimage into the land of greater understanding is complete. I now must work toward the goal that was stated at the beginning of my journey, the PhD. I need to marinate on that for a second-actually took a class tonight. God is real, I tell you. He may not come when you call, but he will be there right on time. Patience and humility...practice these and perhaps, just perhaps the Almighty will bestow some grace and mercy upon you.

He has definitely shined on me. I do think that God is our first parent-and at times we must be scolded and disciplined in a way that only our spirits can understand. The rational man is at times a mere possession of his own ego-for in his rationalization of all things he never seems to see the fault in himself. The perfection man seeks to find is not within him, but within God and by understanding that you are merely a servant of a greater power, then you may be able to find a more perfect walk in life. This walk is with God, and under the total influence of his word...that is the comeback. The coming back to the realization that you are a child, and that the parent who is the Almighty Father is in control of all things.

When you release that ego...through time and tribulation, then you may...as stated, just may find grace and mercy. Your story, my story...our story, is already written and in time all things are revealed. New Year.

2009

So it has begun, 2009. What will be in store for us all...as individuals, as a community, a city and a nation. It will most definitely be different than any other year before, and so we must prepare for change in all aspects of our lives. I am embarking upon remarkable changes in my own, so in many ways I must begin to reflect, reconcile and release. This is my new mantra, so that I take positive energy into the new year. Therefore, I must reflect on all that has been...my life, relationships, heartaches and breakthroughs and allow all of the that energy to fall away. Old acquaintances be forgot-so the song goes. That is the reflection. Yet, inside that reflection there is a time and space for reconciliation. This refers to issues with self, career, and also relationships that still carry emotions with them. Whether it be bad blood between friends, or petty differences with co-workers, I need to address it one last time and reconcile with that other person. Regardless of what is stated or done, it needs to be over and done and left positive for me. I do not have alot of relationships like this, but a few and most importantly some issues with self that I need to forgive and forget.

Lastly, is the release. We are simply a combination of our experiences-and though they make us who we are, there comes a time when we must release some of the baggage we carry. There is this book by Don Miguel Ruiz entitled "The Four Agreements" that talks about these agreements you need to make with yourself in order to have a more fulfilled life. I would recommend it to anyone, but there is a passage that is particularly resonate with this entire release train of thought. It says something to the effect that you have to forgive yourself for all mistakes...but as humans we continually go back and punish ourselves for acts we cannot reverse. It basically says get the lesson, get over it, and get on to the next thing.

This brings us to the release part of it. Once the actions above are taken, let it go. Whatever it is, there is more energy consumed dealing with it constantly than accepting the outcome and moving beyond it. Releasing all baggage, or as much as possible before getting too far along in the year is necessary for success in the future. So that is the layout for my emotional stability. I guess right here is where I laugh to myself (sidebar)...emotional stability. Cry a little, laugh a lot, channel anger, admit fear and most of all just love...with reckless abandon. New year. Happy.