Space...

I sit here alone
few hours prior to dawn
thinking of life
differently
what if? myself
to sleep
perhaps...
but the past
flashes in my mind
like fireflies
on a summer's eve
thoughts traveling ever so gently
through the dark
spaces of my
consciousness
at nighttime while
others peacefully dream
I sit alone
staring at the computer
screen
tapping out emotions
in morse code
as if the keyboard can feel
my spirit
yet it feels nothing
numb
as my fingertips be
as mental
photographs of yesterday
envelope
my being
seeing it all like a
movie
plays out...
the ending a fabrication of
false reality
because this is
what is
and the could be's
will never-
or better yet
may not
flower this season
and though I will shower myself
with reason in the morning
at present the night has my attention
and rest suspended by
forgetten sensibility
silly of me to have doused
imagination
in a belated epiphany
only to paint myself
in a corner of question marks

Anew

It is funny, how many times you start anew...I am going to start fresh on Monday-working out, eating less junk food, reading more, being a better friend-yada, yada, yada. Most often, something, be it a statement someone made, or a great book or a character in a movie...something has usually motivated you to get to the "Anew" position. It is not a bad thing I suppose, I mean we should be allowed to re-create ourselves as often as we like. It takes time to truly get to the essence of who we are...and that may be a life long journey. You don't have to stay the same. Same old same old; naw.

In that light, anew is a good term. One that all should encounter and embrace. It does not last long, I mean once you start "anew" it is no longer anew-it is well, it just is. I mean once you begin a journey you are no longer beginning you are on the journey. Once you decide to change either bad habits or simply develop some new ones the new piece is gone. Thing is, only way to stay on the "new" path is to use discipline in your approach. The D word. I think more than anything, the D word is like the whole foundation of "Anew".

Check it out...you will be forever starting anew if you do not incorporate discipline. I do not know how many times I "started" working out. I think the longest consecutive visits had to be like a year-2 or 3 times a week-and I was in good condition. But the trials of life take you out of routine space and well-I am about to start Anew tomorrow...ummm yeah. If I could get up in the morning than-wait-if I had the discipline to go to bed early and get up in the morning I could work out before work...say word. Word...so it goes back to the D.

Regardless, we will forever be starting anew at something. The beauty of life is that if you wake up in the morning you have yet another opportunity to change the way you are living for the betterment of your entire existence. I truly think the power we have to determine our future, our life, based on our choices, is somehow lost between socialization and religion. Often, we put all the hard stuff on God or society-Lord please help me pay all these bills or the government aint got a program to help me make it through tough times...but when it is all good, well, we take all the credit for that. Look at this new car I bought-or this promotion I earned...where is God in that, or your free public education. The fact is we have control over the good and the bad aspects of our life, and although God is always with us he provided us with free will to make decisions and choices in our lives.

This free will, coupled with logic and reason, allow us to at times see our errors and try to rectify them within ourselves. This is what me mean by starting anew. God gives us a second chance so to speak every morning we are able to open our eyes. A new day to become what are dreams have defined us to be...

Registration

I registered for class today. One step closer to attaining one of the most elusive goals I ever put in front of myself. A degree. One that has given me heartache and pain but which will not leave my spirit, and for myself and my ancestors I have to complete this race. One step closer today.

I also closed the chapter on Virginia. I registered my car on Friday-and it is official I am a DC resident tried and true. I still need to turn in my old tags, but the time and space in VA is over. My new life can be clear of much of the past-few bills to clean up but all in all I am at home in the District finally.

I went back to work today. After two weeks away, it was hard to go in and there was some anxiety about the job...considering I have assumed some additional duties there, but I am okay. It was not a very difficult adjustment and I am happy in some ways to be back inside my routine and ready to work.

It is a new day. Many positive aspects of life stare at me right in the eye. I must not settle for less from myself and try to bring the best out of all those around me. I have an opportunity to be a good man, a strong husband, a contributor to my community and an asset to the organization I work for. If my grandfathers had the opportunity I have before me now, they would not have squandered it. They set me up for this day and I cannot let my family and ancestors down.

I cannot let myself down. To those given much, much is expected in return. This is my season of preparation, where I fine tune the man God needs to do his work later on. I must only remain faithful and diligent. Know that which is truly for you as a man.

Birthday and thangs

I am 36 years old...right now, today. I have to embrace it, because it is not going to change whether I want it to or not. I have just returned from a 10 day stint in Costa Rica-beautiful-but here it is 3am and I am up. Cant really sleep...either it is the fact that DC does not feel like Costa Rica, or my birthday has awakened me. The latter seems more realistic-though the District is definitely not a tropical paradise it is home. My age, well, it is all in what you do within the dash right? I am just saying, the story goes that it does not matter what date you are born, nor the one on which you die it is all about the dash-what happened between the time you came in and went out.

I get this way on my birthday, reflective and all. But it is real, I mean this year marks my first b-day as a married man. I feel I have already said that, but it can be stated again today. In that statement however, are some inherent responsibilities. Not simply for me but for my family...though it is just us two at the moment that may change in the near future. I say all this because it is very much time for me to take life...well, seriously. I could have a debate with myself on this, in that I do not think that I have been a joke at this life thing...but, where I want to go and how I will get there is more important to me right now than ever before.

It is not all about the change in my marital status, but an even greater change in me. I want to be happy in my daily life. I want my professional career to be just that, a career and not a job. A job is something you go to, a career is that which you do-different right? That is what I need, and therefore at this point I have to make it happen. I know this all sounds cliche and you may go back to an earlier entry and say, look, you made the same statement last year and where are you? Well, progress has been made this past year, so I could say better off. Also, there is no day when you wake up having made it and the work is then over...the work is never over.

I think that is the mistake that people make, and even I have made in my thinking previously. Like with work and luck one day I would make it-get there-grab hold of the brass ring...and all work would be done. Well, it just is not true. The more you make, either financiallly or simply of yourself, the more work there is to manage it. The CEO does not attain that position and find out that the work is over. No, it has really just begun. I understand that right now. It is clear.

It is for this reason that the work that you do, or at least the work that I do in the near future has to be more than indirectly impactful on the world. I feel I can truly effect positive change, so my work should reflect that. Then it is passion, not finance that drives the energy behind the work. It is a totally different yet very much the same. So I guess, all in all, that is my birthday wish...to focus on the work right now and try not to waver from it, understanding in a short time there will be a payoff for the disciplined approach to life. On this birthday, this new year of life, let me dedicate myself to improvement and fulfillment of the dream. Every dream, I have ever had.

Happy Birthday to me.

Second bowl of cereal...

and it is 2:32 AM. I just got in, been out with my wife and family...yeah, I got married over a month ago. I dont really talk about relationships and all on here-this space is meant to be free of the emotions that relationships bring, but I must say marriage is good. The most revolutionary thing a man can do is start a family, and so that is where I am at. She is a lovely and sweet woman. Ideal.

I got another bowl of cereal because I wanted to stay awake...stay awake and write something. Anything is better than nothing. Anything that I can find the energy to say at this time of the morning must be necessary...may even be profound. The summer has been a whirlwind of emotions-my father took to ailing, the "Wedding", viva Las Vegas, my boss leaving...and now I just reside inside of a little space trying to desperately find direction. I am fading though...don't know if I will be able to put much more thought into this entry...sleep is calling me

Crossroads

Not quite like ink to paper...shame, I aint put ink to paper in longer than I have run my fingertips over this here keyboard. But here I am, again. Writing. Funny thing about it, you do not quite know where you will end up, if you just freestyle and be true with your thoughts. Even funnier, how true can you be in cyberspace-where someone is always watching, listening, recording every word. It doesn't really matter to me right now though-guess they will use all this to judge me when I am dead and gone-or dig it up if I run for office and say see...he was a thinker. He let his mind roam, how can he be a good leader? They will say alot, but what truly does yesterday have to do with today? Too much too often I fear, at least in the minds of people. Too much.

But on the real, too much thought is not good either. I think I think too much-aint that something. So much so that I know find myself at a crossroads in my life. Believe me forks have come before, and I have taken one road or the other and I am still here. It is not ironic, but a truly spiritual thing. Each step taken has not been by me but for me by God. Therefore, as I stand at this crossroad today...right now, I am hesitant to move. I do not know which way I want to go, and thus God has place a probable option ootu there for me. But I also do not know if the option is really there or is if just an image of something I want to see-like a mirage? If it is truly there than I will soon know, and at that point the game for me begins.

I guess I should rephrase that, life is no game. But there are times when I feel like I am just a minor player in something that is much bigger than me, and all too familiar. Like when I played ball I knew there had to be a winner and a loser. But in life I do not want to compete. I know at times we must and it can be rewarding, but it is not a constant feeling of elation gained in competition. Not on every level and not necessarily with friends. None-the-less I stand here, alone and struggling to figure out my next move. I assume there is time to do that in the space I am presently in-confusion, happiness, excitement and anxiety all bound together by a series of circumstances. All those circumstances culminating here a as a blog entry. I am just trying to figure out the right path.

Wants and Needs

I want a new car. Seriously. It is like I am addicted to looking at SUVs, SUVs even...of all the gas guzzling unnecessary behemoth-sized vehicles to be addicted to...I want one. Mind you, my car is running fine and whats more it will be paid off in like 4 months. Still the want of something new is within me and it is driving me to lots more frequently than ever. The internet is the new way to shop for a car, so you can just google cars (SUVs) everyday and imagine owning one. It is not like I have never owned an SUV before, but I have been in a Sedan for nearly 4 years and I am over it. So, I play on e-mail daily and last week for the first time went out and drove a few. No deals...so I walked away. But I am weakening...

I do not need a new car. I do not need a new anything for that matter. Maybe a new attitude at times, but nothing tangible. I have all a man should need-a good woman, a job, great family and friends...a job :-), did I already write that, and a good woman...those two things you can say over and over. I need both of them. My wants...well, they are illustrated through the daily ritual I play with my emotions googling SUVs. Wants are unnessary nice-to=haves that in my case, provide more comfortable accomodations to and fro where ever whenever you want. Still, got to stay close to the needs and leave those wants alone. Pookie needs to stay off AutoTrader-

Change...

I used to think LOVE was the most over-used and misunderstood term in the English language, but now I think "change" may be running a close second. The election of President Obama, has forced us into a constant dialogue about change, and the goodness of its possibility. I would be lying if I said that I was not also excited about whatever change could mean for African-Americans, for Americans in general...for the country and even the world. However, I never really stopped to think about what "successful change" would even look or feel like to me. What is it that I wanted to see change, and how?

Besides disliking Bush and his policies, and leaning to either the liberal or moderate side and wanting public policy to somehow illustrate that theme...what are most Americans looking for? Change, to a certain extent, has come...at least in the symbolic form. We have a different racial dynamic in the White House-so what is the change we were hoping for beyond that? Some will say equality...but what does it look like? Opportunity...but to do what? Jobs-in what field of work?

I put these thoughts out there because it would seem that the masses of people are expecting this 'change' to be provided to them. Like at a fast food restaurant, you pay your money or your vote that is, and order some fresh change and you get to the window and it is yours for the taking. But what part do each of us play in assisting the nation in embracing the change we so desire? Are we prepared to accept our role, and more importantly play our part? In other words, what part of the world, however insignificant, did you change today?

Don't Call it a Comeback

The New Year has begun, 2009, and I am once again in Graduate School. It has been a long time coming, but I know...yeah, yeah. I took a little hiatus, I call it a hiatus in humility but my pilgrimage into the land of greater understanding is complete. I now must work toward the goal that was stated at the beginning of my journey, the PhD. I need to marinate on that for a second-actually took a class tonight. God is real, I tell you. He may not come when you call, but he will be there right on time. Patience and humility...practice these and perhaps, just perhaps the Almighty will bestow some grace and mercy upon you.

He has definitely shined on me. I do think that God is our first parent-and at times we must be scolded and disciplined in a way that only our spirits can understand. The rational man is at times a mere possession of his own ego-for in his rationalization of all things he never seems to see the fault in himself. The perfection man seeks to find is not within him, but within God and by understanding that you are merely a servant of a greater power, then you may be able to find a more perfect walk in life. This walk is with God, and under the total influence of his word...that is the comeback. The coming back to the realization that you are a child, and that the parent who is the Almighty Father is in control of all things.

When you release that ego...through time and tribulation, then you may...as stated, just may find grace and mercy. Your story, my story...our story, is already written and in time all things are revealed. New Year.

2009

So it has begun, 2009. What will be in store for us all...as individuals, as a community, a city and a nation. It will most definitely be different than any other year before, and so we must prepare for change in all aspects of our lives. I am embarking upon remarkable changes in my own, so in many ways I must begin to reflect, reconcile and release. This is my new mantra, so that I take positive energy into the new year. Therefore, I must reflect on all that has been...my life, relationships, heartaches and breakthroughs and allow all of the that energy to fall away. Old acquaintances be forgot-so the song goes. That is the reflection. Yet, inside that reflection there is a time and space for reconciliation. This refers to issues with self, career, and also relationships that still carry emotions with them. Whether it be bad blood between friends, or petty differences with co-workers, I need to address it one last time and reconcile with that other person. Regardless of what is stated or done, it needs to be over and done and left positive for me. I do not have alot of relationships like this, but a few and most importantly some issues with self that I need to forgive and forget.

Lastly, is the release. We are simply a combination of our experiences-and though they make us who we are, there comes a time when we must release some of the baggage we carry. There is this book by Don Miguel Ruiz entitled "The Four Agreements" that talks about these agreements you need to make with yourself in order to have a more fulfilled life. I would recommend it to anyone, but there is a passage that is particularly resonate with this entire release train of thought. It says something to the effect that you have to forgive yourself for all mistakes...but as humans we continually go back and punish ourselves for acts we cannot reverse. It basically says get the lesson, get over it, and get on to the next thing.

This brings us to the release part of it. Once the actions above are taken, let it go. Whatever it is, there is more energy consumed dealing with it constantly than accepting the outcome and moving beyond it. Releasing all baggage, or as much as possible before getting too far along in the year is necessary for success in the future. So that is the layout for my emotional stability. I guess right here is where I laugh to myself (sidebar)...emotional stability. Cry a little, laugh a lot, channel anger, admit fear and most of all just love...with reckless abandon. New year. Happy.