Solitude

After a week of family, extended family and friends I sit here at nearly 1am alone. I am very pleased to be doing so. I do not know why I am still up, I do have work in the morning but I just wanted to put a few thoughts into cyberspace before I drifted off. Christmas was delightful, and I did buy gifts for my loved ones and some stuff for myself-the grinch in me. But this moment, is peaceful. It is not a knock on anything in my life, but to just sit in silence with your own thoughts for a moment, it is a blessing.

Many look at being alone as a setup for lonliness. Well, I am seldom alone and even when I was totally by myself I never felt lonely. At times I longed for company, but I could always find contentment in myself. I am an only child, and in that experience one knows how to function with no one else around. We do not learn, for a very long time that all we are as a child we remain...each day of our youth a block in the foundation of our adulthood. As an only child, you learn to treasure solitude, for the opportunity for it occurs more often than not...what you do with it is up to you.

I most often write in this space...this solitary minute in my lifetime. I think because it is gone so quickly, leaving me even as I write these words, I try with my writing to capture it for us or even future generations of people. You will be defined in time by how you are recorded today. I suppose I will organize my words in the best way to characterize myself in the future-or would that be simply promotion of false reality?

At times, I feel that much of history is merely an opinion of the writer. The spice, the color, the hero the-the villian, all created by one to entertain the masses. So here in solitude, I work diligently on the definition of self-

selfishly I see
nothing but my own future
right in front of
me
I extend my hand
to grasp it
pull it in
but it passes
swiftly
and I am left
alone
with no future
grasping at the present
afraid to look back at how
long it has
been
since my direction was clear
have to pray
my way outta
here
return to the quiet space
where
God whispers instructions
ever-so gently
listen
all is quiet.

Holiday Spirit

I went into the mall yesterday-with my Little Brother. Not my real Little Brother, but I am in the Big Brothers program in DC, so I had my little man with me yesterday. Our time was fun, but the mall...well, it was interesting. He was good the majority of time-but there were so many people that just seemed to be there. Out of obligation no less. I did not end up buying anything. I had already purchased his gifts. In reality I am just not feeling it. I have been trying to give of myself this season, perhaps more than before, to make up for my lack of energy when it comes to buying gifts.

I have so much going on financially, with my mortgage and bills, that buying gifts just does not excite me. The entire purpose I feel is becoming lost...like I had this discussion on-line with some family members about the entire gift cards issue. I mean, we pick a name and then you only buy a gift for the person whose name you choose. However, everyone was just saying they wanted a gift card to this store or that. There is a money limit-so I figure each person would buy a gift card for the money limit and trade them...that all just seemed like a formality. I mean gift buying is an illustration of the love shared when gifts were brought to Jesus at his birth. It was not just a going through the motions piece, but a well thought exchange.

I don't want to be a hypocrite, I like gift cards better than most but it is just that if 20 people are trading cards, just takes the whole wrapping paper, and excitement out of the gift exchange. Dulls it all for me. This brings me back to the mall. This is one of the worst economic periods of my lifetime, and I see folks with bags upon bags of stuff...and it makes me think are we even buying stuff for the spirit of things or for some unforseen obligation?

Maybe I am just on a different page this year...but I am trying to get into this holiday spirit. It is like four days left before the big day and I sit here, with no gifts at all. I may go out into the big world of shoppers today and test my endurance...then again. Regardless, I am happy it is Christmas time, and another year is about to be here. 2009 has big things within it so that is exciting. Maybe I will find the spirit by Monday. We shall see...

Ascension...

I finally put the Variations in Color-one man poetical experience-on before a live audience. From out of my head, and to the stage. Well, not a literal stage, but inside a the Douglass Learning Center in my hometown. It was a very good feeling for me, and I think the performance resonated with many that attended. That is in essence the only real reason I write and perform-to evoke thought and prayerfully action from that thought. I know the show is real heavy, but there is weight in truth-whatever that truth may be. It is never light-truth that is. THIS KNOWLEDGE WEIGHS A TON!!!

Regardless, it is done. It needs some work, but for the most part I think I can say I accomplished all that I wishted to with the initial offering. It is crazy though, much of the material came out of an entire other episode of my life...but things come full circle. I mean there is nothing new under the sun, and we are in a continual cycle of reinventing ourselves. I am trying to get the better me. It is definitely a work in progress-and the Variations piece is a reflection of that.

I did get an article in the paper though-twice in a weekend. I mean it was the local paper, but coverage is coverage brother LOL. I thought the write-up was real cool, and on the straight up and up so I cannot complain. It is all a part of the divine plan I think-what God has set in motion no one can destroy. Just have to remain faithful-there in lies the hard part. Sometimes when things are going well, well, we think that it is supposed to always be that way and that our dreams will happen along with ease. Everything takes work, dreams are no different. God has a plan yes, but in that plan is struggle, heartache, triumph and prayer. To truly ascend you must begin where...the bottom. To then climb higher, you must continue to overcome obstacles to then reach the next level. It is easy enough to see when in the realm of the hypothetical, difficult to digest when in the midst of the struggle.

Still, I feel right now...is my time. Not in a vain sense of it all, but my time to move the agenda of my spirit forward. The agenda placed there by God. Variations in Color is one of the vehicles. Let's ride.

Long Walk Home...

God is good. All the time...all the time. I received confirmation today that God has a special place for me in his kingdom. It is not to be admired nor revered, but to work. I was afforded, by diligence and faith, the opportunity to reclaim that which I have worked nearly a decade for-my PhD from Howard University. It matters not, at this moment, why the quest was stalled-or why it felt that way-but it is now a more realistic journey. I was diligent-yes-but God made the way when there was no way. I am indebted to him.

It is that debt that helps me understand that is not the only reason I have been provided with this breakthrough=you see I feel he has important work for me to do and that work is directly connected to the PhD. My good friend-a man I consider family-has a son not but 20 years old lying less than a mile from here in the hospital...shot through the lung while being robbed. He is still with us-there is the blessing from God. He is a great writer-there is the answer from God. The streets he does not belong to, he belongs to God. I am supposed to tell him that.

I am supposed to tell them all that. God needs soldiers. He has given us the symbol of hope in our New President Barak Obama...but he needs foot soldiers. Scholars, educators, teachers...those who bring the message directly to the people-feed them. That is my role. It is real simple to see. I can get through to some folks that others simply cannot. I put together a one-man show, a play of sorts to promote the messages I thought needed to be out there. Right now I think that show needs to change a bit, but in the midst of getting back in school I was going to put it off. But it is in my spirit. It does not have to be the most extravagent of affairs but I still need to do it...real simple, real powerful and focused. Just like with my studying-all focused on the ultimate goal-becoming all that God intended me to be.

But still, though many things have been going well in my life the issue of school played a tremendous role in humbling me as a man. You are not afforded anything without first-God, then hard work, and lastly humility. It can all be taken away at any minute and you can be scrutinized and ridiculed. It takes one moment. Man is inconsistent, and only God is "real" with you all the time. It has been a long walk home, but I am there. Back to where I began this journey not so long ago and prepared to continue to march on to victory.

I had nearly...lost my way
wandered for what seemed like
40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness
Of life
Darkness in the world
nearly allowed my spirit to remain
unclaimed
my dreams unfulfilled
still I could not deny
my very being
the essence of this man
commands the same
as those who first framed the Constitution
those who understood the blueprint
had already been laid
and upon recognition of the
Savior
I was saved
cannot take your talents to
the grave
supposed to lift up others
with your
story
testimony of a man
who had lost his
way
still he took no steps alone
strength is gained in the journey
and thus, I begin...
the long walk home

Copyright 2008

Yes We Can

Barack Obama has been elected President of the United States. It is official. The first African American to become our President has happened 35 years into my lifetime. There is nothing bigger, that I have witnessed, than this moment. It may be the most significant event of my entire journey here on Earth. I can hardly believe it is true. President Obama.

I brought in the news with my DC family-Melissa, Mike, and Brin-oh, and perhaps the entire OBAMA-NATION! We were on 14th and U, where it seems all the most significant events in my life have taken place, at a spot called Tabaq. We wanted to go to the liberal-minded and revolutionary influenced Busboys and Poets, but it was a line longer than the one to vote that morning so we settled in around the corner. It was a packed house, and we had a table near the big screen to watch the results of the election.

The atmosphere was amazing. It was like we were at a sports contest, yet I never felt any anxiety about the outcome. I knew he-we would win. State by state came upon the screen and the people cheered...gave high fives and hugs. Total strangers embracing change. It was a wonderful sight to see. Then came the announcement- Barack Obama has been elected President of the United States. President of the United States. President. I was in awe. There was all this noise around me and movement but I could hear nothing...I was inside the moment. I was just staring at the screen.

We listened to his speech in the midst of a coalition of believers...believers in change and the possibilities of our nation. It was surreal. People were hugging and holding hands during the speech but I was in a trance...arms folded and just listening intently. I had believed this day would come, not from the beginning that would be a lie, but I had believed shortly thereafter. It came a time when hope sprung a leak in me and I could not plug the hole. During this moment I was overwhelmed with that emotion-my eyes watered at the enormity of the occasion.

You really had to see it. When we walked out of Tabaq, well, you just had to be there. I think it is on YouTube somewhere, maybe I will find it and post the link. But it was, well like nothing I had ever seen in my lifetime. U Street was full of people. The corner of 14th and U was packed with people singing, crying, yelling, dancing...all ranges of emotion. They were adorned in Obama paraphelnelia...Get Out to VOTE t-shirts, and faded jeans. It was a humongous block party that I am told went from 14th Street all the way to the White House. Police were just sitting in their cruisers watching the excitement...it was euphoria. I mean look up the word and read its definition. That is what I felt there. But I also felt that I was amongst the people of the nation- black, white, asian, indian, young, old, gay, straight, professional, thug...the country was spread across U Street dancing to the congo drums and chanting "Obama, Obama, OOOO-Ba-Ma" at the top of their lungs.

That night. That moment...well, it began. All the fanfare up to the day was real. People were as peaceful as they had ever been in life. It was hard to imagine just 40 years before people, young and high-spirited, had burned the same U Street down and rioted throughout the city at the news of the death of their beloved King. On this evening, we saw that his death was not in vain. All had been prophecized and realized in 40 years.

I do not look at tomorrow, or President Obama with unrealistic expectation. The road will not be easy-he said it himself in his speech-but it matters not. Not for this entry. Not for this moment. This moment alone, is without ridicule and critique. It is pure. It is joy. It will never be tainted. You cannot destroy this memory. It is beautiful. Our shining black prince. He is truly a representation of all that is good in America. The dream illustrated.

There are no words to describe how the ancestors feel-both black and white. Reconciliation brought forth in a people's movement for change. On this day, we allow our symbol to shine. For all those who wish to say or think we cannot we tell them simply...Yes We Can. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to witness today.

Election Eve

I just shed a tear. I feel more of them welled up behind my eyes...but the one carried in it the hope of tomorrow. Not the figurative tomorrow-the future-but truly tomorrow. November 4th, 2008. Election day in the United States of America. The day we will elect, choose, decide upon an African-American for the highest office in the land. I am emotional, I am nervous, and I am anxious. But I have no fear. This has been ordained by God. I said it long ago, and now...in the midst of financial crisis, war, and turmoil we will crown a sweet shining prince with that which has never been available to anyone with skin the hue of the earth.

It seems as though sadness must accompany joy. Senator Obama's grandmother died on this day, Election Eve-prior to seeing her most precious baby enter the office of the President. He must be tired and longing to mourn this great loss. His mother gone, his father non-existent and now his grandmother has accompanied his grandfather in heaven. But in him there is no time to mourn, for he clearly understands she brought him to this level...she laid the path for him to have this moment. It is now the time for him to walk alone. He has Michelle and the children, but at this moment-in the dawn of this new day he stands alone and waiting for we the people, to speak.

I have been overwhelmed by this campaign. The possibility no longer being simply that, a possibility, but something far greater yet still not quite tangible. I am tired of race. Obama has opened my eyes to that fatigue. I am tired of being tied to that which I have no control over. I am tired of being judged because of it-stereotyped, assumed to be that which I may not be. I love who I am and my culture-but the racialization of life is exhausting. I am even tired of thinking about race so much. We are human beings, people, Americans. We are all striving in essence for the same things and our moral compass is not that different because of our racial background. We are all the children of God. Obama will be our President, as was Clinton, and Bush. He is a man and will make mistakes...not because he is black or white, but because he is human. He will excel for the very same reason.

It is his time. I listened to the "talking heads" for as long as I could this evening but I became tired of their answers-to the polls, to excitement, to the possibility. Tired of McCain and Palin one-liners. I am biased, but still I wanted to just bask in the moment. This moment I speak of, is his moment...there is nothing I feel that can change that. It has been written. So, I want to simply meditate on it for a while. Let the joy marinate my spirit. Bask in the calm before tomorrow. I sit here and reflect on Dr. King, DuBois, Garvey, Kennedy, Roosevelt...Douglass. Men who saw the world differently and whose vision shaped who we are as a nation and a people. I want to love the President. To respect him and honor his name. Barack Obama commands that type of love and respect without asking for it. He is a leader.

It is almost like Christmas eve. I and millions of other are waiting for our gift. It is called progress. It is no longer a hypothetical statement. It is true. There are some, on both sides of the gambit who will say this means nothing...merely symbols without substance. I would argue that first of all Obama is brilliant, not just smart. I would say that his symbol alone, if he is simply that, is substantive in that it changes the symbols formerly associated with an entire race of people. For that reason-the two, symbol and substance, cannot be divided when speaking of him.

He is a learned man, with an almost regal demeanor. That is how we should be represented as a nation around the world. Our leaders should carry an air of royalty with them. They should be above pettiness and that should be apparent in all that they do. They are role models to the world, and they represent each and every one of us here in the US.

Tomorrow I will vote with a passion and vigor never found in the process before. I will smile and sing to myself upon touching the screen, or coloring in the circle or whatever I need to do to acknowledge my vote. Tomorrow I vote for my children's dreams. Langston put it like this, "I too sing America. I am the darker brother, you send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes. But I eat well, and grow strong." We are stronger. We are ready...God please, let us move forward.

Progress will be made when eve greets dawn.

Identity

There are times, when I do not identify with people who are supposedly like me. It is not that I try to be different than everyone, I mean at some point we are all individuals and no two persons have the exact same experiences. But we categorize, generalize and basically lump people together all the time. I think it is this "lumping" that I resist the most. I don't know...at times I feel like I may think I am not in a category but in reality I am. It is in this exploration, or perhaps a better word 'confrontation' with self that the question of identity arises. Who am I really? Like beyond the "how I see me," who does the world see me? My family-friends? Who is it that I portray on a daily basis?

I ask these questions not truly in expectation of some miraculous answer to suddenly appear-but in hopes of analyzing myself and taking a step back from simply being...to start becoming. I know this is all abstract so I will try to frame it. I have been moving along the pathway of life for 35 years...not exactly in control of the path, but more taking it as it came and dealing with the joys and pains along the way. At one point perhaps I charted my course, but when various happenings, well, happened, and the course I charted was re-routed I kinda just went with it. I have not controlled many of the outcomes that have happened, I was simply a recipient of the positive or negative affects. When a person lives this way, where life is on somewhat of auto-pilot than I feel that person is simply being. This doesn't mean that no decisions are made, but life is not moving in a definite direction because of the input or work of the individual. Arguably, it is moving in a direction because of the lack of input and/or work.

I am simply being. In being, one's identity is soft...like lines drawn in sand. The person is somewhat unsure of who he or she truly is, or wants to be, and is most often in a continuous state of 'figuring' that out. To be or not to be; that is the question. I feel most are in this place, where there identity is fluid and although the traits of their personality may be well-defined who they essentially are-beyond paper-is less rigid. It is not bad to just be...but to become, well that is something more structured; purposeful.

To become is first to understand what it is and who it is you wish to become. In other words, there is a finish line...a completion date. The irony in this is that it may never be met, but the actions and work in this individual's life is all in an effort to become "someone," greater than the present state. For example-he wanted to become a writer. So he wrote, and became an author. So he published his writings and continued to become a novelist. Thus to become, is to be in the continuous state of becoming...moving, progressing, increasing, rising, developing.


Therefore identity, is not a stagnant term. In this I mean if we are in a constant state of becoming, then our identity is ever-changing. We do not have to be defined simply by who we have been, but also by who we wish to be. It is in this notion, that we do not have to be constricted by our identity. I am not a simply a man...but so much more.

I am who I be...
and I am not
I can change the frame
around this thing
but the same
will be
and still not entirely
I am at times
simply who you see-
defined by the world
my reality
far different
than that which others
perceive
yet
I admit it
seems I have got
an image that is
inconsistently projected
on the jumbo screen
of daily life
and as much as I
believe
I be as real as they
come
I am not
not good or bad
nor more or less
the best of me is all I got
and these issues
with my identity

Blood on the Ballot Box...boy

On this past evening I attended a most powerful "Get Out to VOTE" Rally, and I must admit I was overwhelmed. I was actually on the program, with the likes of folks from the show The Wire, and National Urban League President and CEO Marc Morial...it was quite riveting to say the least. I performed a recently written piece entitle "Blood on the Ballot Box." I did not know it would register with people the way that it did and I am proud of the response. My critique of myself is it could have been tighter-muffed some lines-but at the end of the day the message is the most meaningful aspect and the audience got that.

I think the audience, the nation really, understands that concept better now than ever before. We are indebted to the ancestors, for it is their blood that was lost so we could gain-so we could have just this moment to seriously ponder a black man as our president. The fear in all this is that the race is far from over, and there are forces that will try to negate the power of this moment, and others that will try to reverse this tide of change. However, that which has been ordained by God, no man can deny.

Barack Obama...from great speech in '04, to longshot, to presumptive nominee, to party leader to this moment. The ride has been remarkable, but it is not simply his rise to party prominence and international notariety that I pay attention to but the emotions of our people...citizens of this democratic America whom are ready to make a difference in their country and the world. I do not think that it is ironic that I was in Williamsburg, Virginia for the entire week before the rally. I was assisting with a government fellows program entitled Excellence in Government, and our kickoff celebration was in the historic and presently colonial Williamsburg.

The beauty in the fact that I was there came in the form of past reality. In the term past reality, I mean that I was forced to examine the construction of this nation, in its most raw form. Slavery was discussed as a necessary-economic phenomenon in the same breath as equality of man. As I sat there inhaling the eloquence of the Declaration of Independence, I simultaneously thought of all my ancestors whose blood, sweat and tears held this nation up during its most formative years. Then...as I returned to my hotel room I would turn on the TV and sit and watch the nation debate the legitimacy of man-a man whose own ethnic heritage is the combination of all that is great about this country-to be President of these United States.

I was very emotional when I sat down to write the piece, Blood on the Ballot Box. It is my term, I have coined it and perhaps I heard it somewhere before but it was in the emotional state of my Williamsburg visit that I gave life to a poem that may very well define our moment-and the responsibility that we hold as citizens during this most critical time in our history...

My granddaddy said there is
Blood on the ballot box boy
Best not to take your right
So liberally
When you turn 18
Many laid down their lives
So you could be free
And that freedom may not be
Infinite-
So your only guarantee is to make sure
You are represented
In those nation conversations
Up there on the hill
It would be to your
Benefit
To pay close attention to current events
At least most of the time
Read both sides of the arguments
So you can pick through the lies
Delete the deceit
And develop a personal understanding
Of what America is supposed to be
America is supposed to be
Something different than what I see
At present
Seems we put war before diplomacy…
Got us losing little children
In the sandbox overseas
Seems our fear of terrorism has led us
To become that which we
Despise
Can’t tell me the amount of lives mistakenly
Taken during our occupation
Of sovereign nations
Not to mention the suspension of civil rights
For all those
At Guantanamo
Yes, there is blood on the ballot box boy
But seems we bleed black
Our people so addicted to oil our arms
Filled with tracks
Shooting up SUVs and luxury sedans
With that premium petro
While profits stack for the Exxons and BPs…
And you-
You have to choose to drive to work
Or eat
Merely survive or meet defeat
Must be blood on the ballot box boy
Homeowners homeless because
Banks bleeding families…
And they both dying off the sub-prime beast
That is eating its way through
Capitalism…
But who unleashed its wrath
Legs of the stock market so weak
The entire economy about to crash
And burn
Like the money you thought your
IRA would earn
So no one can retire and if you get fired
You join the millions
Already in line
Unemployment rates climb
High atop these mountains of debt
Half a trillion dollar deficit…
Weighs heavily on the taxpayers
Backs…
But there be blood on that ballot box boy
You best to know the facts
For you step inside the booth
Make sure the truth is not what you lack
This race is not about
Race…
Analyze the candidates
Study their platforms and agendas
Listen to the debates
Who is real, and who is the
Pretender?
But regardless of whom you choose
It is this you must remember
There is blood on the ballot box boy
Ancestors died to protect
The constitutional right for
You and I to select
Representatives dedicated to making
America what it is supposed to be-
Pray we do their blood justice
And rewrite our future history

Copyright 2008

October Sky

This is one of those days when the freestyle just hits me-I need to write...

October sky
at dusk
trust that the
conclusion of another
year is near
and all that has been done
is done
and all that will be
is yet locked
in the mind
still the skyline
rekindles memories
of Fall befores
Autumns' past that last
on in thought
and the breeze still smells the same
like dried leaves and pumpkin
pie
under the orange-blue sky
I forget the present and
drift into the abyss
of yesterday
mid-term grades
and Homecoming parades
but never made the dance
by chance
I disguise my feelings
as if Hallow's eve
and no one can see
the summer serenade in
my eyes
only the reflection
of this
October
sky...

Fall...

It is fall...as I stare out of my window the beauty of God's paint brush is evident. The trees have changed color, an array of yellows, oranges, reds and greens lie across the grass-fallen from their momentary perch of display. The sky is as blue as Caribbean water...with cottonballs sprinkled throughout its canvas. It is a truly beautiful day. It is actually Howard University Homecoming, and again-a wonderful day for the game and the fashion show on campus. But outside of all that, I feel good. Life is not easy nor simple by far, but it is good. I am healthy, I have love, I am able to pay my bills and eat...not so bad this life.

I had not been blogging regularly for some time, I do not know how many entries begin with "it has been a while since I have written..." I have somewhat of an erratic sense of being with regard to my art. I do feel I am an artist-we are all self-defined beings in one way or another-but I feel that I create something from nothing...infrequently but enough to designate that ability as artistic. I am a writer...not reknown or even plain known for that title but that is what I feel I am and one day-perhaps-will truly be. Presently I am just figuring it all out.

I just turned 35. Well, it was actually several months ago but feels like "just." I sometimes look at where others are at in their respective life at 35-actors, business people, atheletes...but that is truly an unrealistic comparison. I do not feel like 35 is mid-life, but at some point dreams of being "famous" or really doing some major things tend to diminish the older you get. 35 is the age when you begin to come to terms with the possibility of never fulfilling those dreams. Does not in any way mean that you will not, but responsibilities have changed for many at this age and with responsibility-mortgage, family, job/career-dreams sometimes are, well as Langston put it, deferred.

I just read a book about dreams...it was not phrased that way at all but that was what it is about, following your dreams and passion. It was entitled the Alchemist. I recommend it to all out there in internet land. It has me really thinking about my dreams, or as referenced in the book, my personal legend. It is like there is something within you, something you have always wanted out of life but perhaps feared taking the chance or the steps to attain it. You may be comfortable and safe in your life now, but that emotion of "what could have been" gnaws at you every so often. The book said most never respond to that feeling...never seek out their personal legend. Never really fulfill their heart's purpose. I do not want to be old and gray and still wonder what if? I know I do it now...and that may be the only problem-finding the courage to pursue that which is within your soul.

There is a line in the book that stays with me, and I will paraphrase it here-if you really follow your dream or your personal legend and it is in tune with that which God has placed in your spirit for you then all the powers of the universe will conspire to make it happen in your life. Deep, all the powers of the universe will conspire to make your goal a reality. What if we really believe that...I know it is simply an illustration of faith in God, but if we really gave it all to God and did our best to accomplish that which drives our spirit...hmmmm, what are the possibilities?

Fall. One of my most favorite times of the year. School used to start, so it always reminds me a new beginning. A time for learning new things, new ideas and ways to achieve in life. The earth puts on one last show before the old is passed away and the new life is born in the spring. Fall-how beautiful today is.

Half-moon...

Through the blinds I see a half-moon. It is clear tonight, and it is almost as if I have a telescope attached to my naked eye. The craters and the pure imagery on the moon is visible. It makes me wonder. Who else is looking right now at the moon...feeling something, wondering as well who else is "feeling" with them. The universe is truly beyond my own comprehension, but at times just the earth...America...this city I live in and all the people within-it is just beyond my comprehension. What if for one moment we were all looking at the moon...all at the same time. Would that not be divine?

The awesome power of the world. I don't think that I respect that power enough. The moon controls the ocean...its magnetic force causes the waves to move. It is like Earth's partner, following the planet around eternally. The moon must love the Earth...

Timelines

Life is a series of timelines...how much time will it take to get here, or there? When will I complete this project, this degree program...this workday. I think sometimes we live so much in between the timeline, that we kinda lose sight of that which is going on inside of it. I mean, you can become hell bent on completing something and find out that you never enjoyed what you were doing in the process. It should not always be about the reward...the story is not written just to get to the conclusion. It is often the story itself that makes it all worth while.

Perhaps I too am guilty of lessening the value of the journey for want of the destination. To live without parameters and essentially enjoy the very essence of each day...maybe I will have to throw away my watch and allow life to dictate time with no rule....maybe for at least a few hours a week. LOL

Ages...

It has been ages since a put words on this page

and today

well...I have aged

aged as if any day but on this one in particular

particularly the day before

I became one more

year older

stronger...wiser

I'm told a good man

is hard

to locate when you looking

so I look at me

and see the reflection of

years gone by

and hopes of tomorrow

dancing in my own eyes

I am the future

redesigned by time

35...

The Presumptive Nominee

Words are powerful...yet no matter how much the moment is lessened by unnecessary adjectives the media seems to develop at a moment's notice-such as presumptive-it has happened. The unfathomable has occurred. For the first time in American history, an African-American has received the nomination from one of the two political parties in the United States. The Democratic party has chosen Barack Obama as their respective nominee for President of the United States. It is a grand moment. One that fills me with pride, and a deep regard for my fellow Americans who have turned the page on possibility and wrote a new chapter in the book of American Dreams. We, in this moment, have moved beyond skin color and begun to see ability for what it truly is-the power, intelligence, and determination of one's spirit to make our country better for us all.

Now, do not think that I believe the fight is over. No, on the contrary, the battle for true equality begins today. As one pundit put it, Obama has been largely speaking to the choir with regard to agenda and during the fight for the nomination...now, he will speak to the entirety of the congregation...the congregation of America and seek their buy-in. But will they listen?

Convicted...

I have never really felt like anything was permanent. Not my relationships, not my status in life...not even my feelings about my own existence. What does permanence mean? The opposite of temporary? Forever? Well, today, right now at this moment I feel a sense of permanence...in my conviction to serve God. I have been in a conversation all evening about when and where to serve as well as being posed the question of time that I will serve...all in the name of love. The questions came not from those who doubt my assertion, but who use caution when they speak of the Almighty. At the time of our conversation I felt even more convicted, but now I sit here and try to make sure that was not because of the moment that I found myself within, or truly because the spirit is all that my conviction is about.


It must be understood, that everyone does not believe in God. Nor of those that do, do all believe in him the same way. There are a multitude of variations of belief-yet only one God. In my system he controls all things, planet and universe, and all within it. I believe your path in life is written, and based on the decisions you make along the way you will live and meet your destiny. I cannot prove this theory-but it is mine and I embrace it. I also believe that God speaks to me...not some crazy voice in the night but within my spirit he provides guidance, and through the lessons of life I find ways to apply it. I ask myself have I ever totally trusted God, and I cannot answer. I want to say yes, but if I analyze my actions carefully I may say no. Not all the time. But that is why this revelation, this conviction that I feel is so important now.

I must trust in God...in the decisions that I have made and pray on all those that I even think to make in the future. Though I waver, and struggle to stay on the path of righteousness I am convicted in my belief of the Almighty-and that his power governs my existence.

Took an L...

I made it to the District level competition in Toastmasters...and well, that is where I made it to. I took a royal butt kicking tonight; I did not even place in the top 3. I know this does not say I cannot give a speech, but as far as TM technique goes, well, I just aint got it so to speak. I dont know if I can have it...but that is the defeat talking. Still, I met some wonderful people and it was a blessing to be in the competition at all. If I had practiced more, and perhaps took it a bit more seriously than who knows. Anyway, in conjunction with that someone vandalized my car today. Paint on it, scratch-real petty. So this Saturday was not so good...glad tomorrow is here. Maybe Sunday will be better.

Storm a brewing...

There is a storm outside...thunder, lightning and rain. I know the Springtime brings about these showers, but as the rain beats down upon my roof I cannot help but feel the awesome power of GOD.

Life's Writing Blocks...

Life has gotten in the way of my blogs...my notes to self and all others who would dare peer in. So much has happened in the nearly four months since I exposed my thoughts here for eternal perusal. I look at the current state of America, where every thought you have ever had, every person you have ever associated with in the past becomes a definitive reflection of who you are today. It can be argued one way or another-but yesterday is simply that to me. People change, friends fade away, maturity happens. It is life...yet, somewhere between the print ads and the weather we have lost our humanity and forgotten the sins of self, and place unrealistic judgments upon men and women we at one moment revere...celebrities, athletes, politicians...all human beings.

I don't know, I did not come to my computer to condemn society for holding the few to some upright moral code. No, I just ask that we apply it more evenly...most importantly that we apply it to ourselves as we would the next person persecuted on TV. How easy it is to judge, but how uncomfortable it is to look deeply at oneself. Over the last few months, last year or so really, I have performed some self-analysis. No true conclusions yet. Guess the study is not over, but I have learned alot about myself. It is a journey though, and I have yet to truly determine the destination. I tell myself I want to be a better man-in all aspects of the term- "better man." You can take that how you want, define it for yourself. Some may say you must be bad to want to be better, some will see it as striving to be the best, some will even justify it as needing only slight improvements in certain areas...it is open to interpretation. I am still interpreting "better man" myself. However, I have some of the principles down, and I am working towards them.

Better man-better world. Change. Right. One person, regardless of who they are, cannot change the world; can they? That is the talk in America right now...change the world. Change politics, change America, change the perception of over a billion people. Better world. That is what is on the tip of every one's tongue. I believe it though. Crazy as it may seem, I believe change is coming...we are in its midst. I am a part of it-and so are you if you are just reading this. Our communication is different. our opinions are different and most of all our concept of humanity is different. Better world.

But you may ask who is in the we...well, it is a movement going on. It is not just about Obama-though his campaign illustrates the movement. It is tied to the need to see beyond the parameters of race drawn long ago. Beyond skill set, gender, religious affiliation and sexual orientation. Just see beyond it. You do not have to agree, but that is okay. You can criticize, but respect others rights to not agree. Dispel the usage of terms hate, bigot, racists...they divide. They may even have relevance, but once applied what is solved. We must move beyond that which we do not know nor understand about one another and move towards reconciliation and forgiveness.

People talk about the environment, and how the world is dying. Well, we, people, humanity is dying. The earth is our reflection and she will go as we go...and as we go, from ignorance, hatred and war she too suffers...in the end, there will be no history for there may be no present. The past truly does not matter if we are determined to die today. A movement beyond yesterday...that is what we need.

a movement beyond yesterday
as if tomorrow bound to be better
broken from the bonds of the past
no changing that which has been done

A New Day is Dawning...

Perhaps the title of this entry is too hopeful; too optimistic. Perhaps it is simply the calm before the storm that we are witnessing here in America. Maybe nothing has changed, and people are not moved by the possibilities of this election...not as much as I am as I sit here and reflect. Perhaps it is not a new day at all...but what if it is. What if we, all of us, are living in the midst of a dynamic change. Where the country could truly throw off the shackles of racism and second-class citizenship and see beyond yesterday-staring straight into the promise of tomorrow. What if a new day is dawning...and you are awaking to the sun?

Great Movie...no debate

I have heard the accolades from everyone that I know, my mom, my aunts, friends, etc etc. So tonight, I went to see it...the Great Debaters and well, I loved it. I know it was to many, highly predictable and all-too inspirational, but why is that bad. I am the first to say the African-American community has plenty of "realism", at least that is what a majority of the hip-hop music says it is-real. So why not provide the world with a more positive illustration of not only African-American triumph, but the beginning of American change and movement. This movie was and is a testament to the perserverance and tenacity of the human spirit. It is the cry for equality-while standing beside adversity. It is a call for change in how African-Americans look at themselves...for to not know your history is to deny yourself the true identity of your being.

If you have not seen the film, here is the link http://www.thegreatdebatersmovie.com/ so you can go on there, see some highlights and be inspired to take it in. With all that is wrong with Hollywood, and the negative images it portrays of African-American people (majority of the time), for all the bufoonery that shows up on the movie screen i.e. First Sunday (I won't even provide the link for this foolishness), The Great Debaters gives the community something to take pride in and cheer about. Literally, when the movie was over the crowd applauded-white, black, hispanic-applauded. That is for real.

In return, I applaud Denzel Washington and Oprah Winfrey. I have been hard on Oprah before, but in hindsight much of my criticsm has been unfounded. Regardless of that, this in my opinion is one of their finest hours. There are plenty of black folk in showbiz, shucking and jiving all over the place, but these two highly regarded professionals-icons really-have utilized their talent and wallets to put forth a piece of work that strikes pride in our people. Bravo!

Fast enough to slow down...

I have never been one to just do something because someone else was doing it...never a follower. Well, to be honest, I have followed before, but that was when I was younger; trying desperately to fit in. But since those isolated moments, I have not been one to follow the most prescribed way of doing anything. At times it was to my detriment-too many questions and no answers to satisfy my insatiable thirst to simply question...everything. But you cannot really do that when it comes to faith. I mean you can-but unless you truly understand the path to clarity then you will always question and never truly believe.

Faith is trust and reliance on God. The belief in the unseen. God, to most is an abstract concept because he cannot be touched, or seen or heard. He does not exist in the physical, but only in the spiritual sense of being. In this, what some may say is a conceptual framework, exists this all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful master of the universe. Therefore, faith, is man's connection to God. The question is then, how does one maintain their faith and move even closer to God? How can you better understand your purpose and truly gain insight to the divine rationale for your own existence?

Great books have been written on the subject, by the most annointed amongst us...but regardless of what any man or woman may say on the subject, faith and the intimate interaction with God is a personal experience. The Protestant Reformation led by Martin Luther (not Dr. King either history buffs) put forth the concept of "the priesthood of all believers." This concept meant to me that the priesthood, which at one point was thought to be the only "direct connect" to God, was not simply a fraternity of men who studied the word and were ordained as priest in the Church. No, the priesthood of all believers meant to me that all men and women who believed in God had a direct connection to him-regardless of their status in the Church or even their status in society. God loves all, and all who profess their love for him may access the kingdom.

Now, that all is logical in the spiritual sense of the term (inside joke.) However, when this life we are living gives us ups and downs-high hi's and low lo's then we sometimes may question whether God is with us...even whether he is real at all. At these times we lose "faith" in all that we believe in. So again, the question is how do we maintain our faith and move closer to God? Well, I had heard of fasting before but I had never tried it...not honestly and not while trying to gain a deeper understanding of God. The glossary in the New International Version of the Bible says that fasting is abstinence from food or drink for a period of time, especially for spiritual reasons at a time of national crisis. But within the Bible it says,

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen;
to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-
when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say:
Here am I.
NIV Isaiah 58:6-9

The passage above is very clear, that when you fast then there are direct benefits, and not in the way of getting something tangible, but more in the line of gaining an infinite understanding and deeper belief in the power of the Almighty Lord. I feel like it infers a sense of protection, that now, upon fasting, you have opened yourself to receive the Lord, by electing to sacrifice something totally in his Name, and from that sacrifice and openess you then receive God. It is in the receipt of God that you allow him to work more in your life, in your heart and in your mind. God is able to see your dedication to him, and your willingness to receive him when you deny yourself food or drink and in this he is pleased, and will be able to use you better in the divine order of things.

So, I decided to begin this journey-seeking out the Lord through prayer and fasting. My lady and I have agreed to make this a joint effort, to lend support to one another in meeting our individual goals with the fast and to also set forth unified goals to meet as partners in life. It is a very exciting time and I know that God is with us in journey and that he wants us to come closer to him. Today I was just talking to a good friend about the beauty of God, and how I was trying to improve my relationship with him and my friend hands me a book, entitled The Miracle Results of Fasting, by Dave Williams. It is a guide to assist you in a Christian fast...how awesome is God!

Well, I must retire at this point, but if you happen to read this, please be encouraged. God is trying to talk to you, but you have to be open to receiving him and allowing him to work in your life. Do not wait, for tomorrow or for when you get your life "in order" as that day may never come. Why? Because you need the Lord to assist you. We are nothing without God...mortals trying to fulfill the urges of the flesh. Life can be lived more abundantly...but you must humble yourself before the Lord...what is so wrong with that? But I do not want to preach, just something to think about. Stay tuned...for the journey has just begun.

He speaks to me
even when I fail to hear
He is here
near to my heart and mind
my soul filled with
his presence
yet I am hesitant to accept
the emotion
born from his whispers
calling me to aid
in this battle
we losing human beings
who no longer seeing
a better way
confused by the world and
pleasures of the flesh
abused by their own sins
and the lust of success
I profess that the worst is yet
to come
but our children numb to death
and their values
eroding faster than they growing
but yet
He speaks to me
even when I fail to hear
he is here
nailed upon the cross
his loss was to be
our gain
his pain for
our progress
but I guess it aint
nobody listening
like we all missing the point
of the tsunami's and hurricanes
floods from torrential rain
and the fire
in the streets of Babylon
maybe we hesistant to accept
the emotion born
from his whispers
or maybe we just deaf
to our own demise
still I swear he speaks to me
guess I need to listen
Go out amongst the people
and tell them of the times
and pray
they are less
hard of
hearing than I
pray
they are less
hard of
hearing...
than I
Copyright Rush Taper 2008

2008

A new year...yeah, I could have written on the first day, but why? Everyone starts something on the first day, so I wanted to start on the 7th, but here, on the 8th day of 2008 I struggle to put words and thoughts together-stir them like a flavorful beverage for the "of age" and pour them out across cyberspace for any and all to sample. 2008...how many human beings will ask themselves the most common start of the year question- "What will become of this Year-for me?"...or some variation thereof. Basically, what does this new year hold? We want to know, but not really. The new year is the final Christmas gift, that you open every day for another 365 days...never quite knowing just what it might be-perhaps having an idea, but each day the present could be a surprise.

Maybe that is why Christmas was placed right next to the New Year, in our oh so conveniant Roman calendar. You may escape God on Christmas, by taking Christ out with your bevy of expensive gifts and shopping mall attitudes, but you must reckon with your past sins and deal with the possibility of a new beginning on the New Year...some may say whatever, but most of you to include myself, think of some type of change come January 1st. Some sort of resolution we, deep in our hearts desperately wish to hold on to. The New Year brings forth reflection and evaluation...and at times repentance and the quest for forgiveness. Still, by February, most of that newness of renewal of virtue and all that jazz has faded from our short term memory and many-to in the past include myself-are back to being the same person we were prior to the resolutions. But there is always next year, right?

Maybe, and maybe not. Still, this year, 2008...well, I want to try and stick to some of that which I told myself. I want to complete some chapters in my life and possibly become the man that I have been putting off. The man I have been putting off. Think of that. I have been, like many, procrastinating with regard to becoming the best I can be in life. Acting as if what I have been giving, to myself no less, was enough. Like saving the best of me, for later...but later has no date, no time stamp, no actual address or destination point. Later is simply that. Not now but sometime in the not so distant unpromised tomorrow. 2008, I want to do better. Work toward that man...the guy I see myself as. The man I long to be.

I know all this may sound like much of the conversation that has gone on in your own head, or some melodramatic movie that played over the holidays-a Christmas Carol comes to mind, but it comes a time in a man's life when he must make decisions about his future. I mean a woman must too, so in a human's life...but there does. It is like I see people younger than me who have life by its reigns and who seem totally in control of their future...their destiny tied entirely to the desires of their heart and mind. Then there are the other millions of us who plod along the path of existence merely existing. Alive, but our spirits are dead...souls without a song.

So I testify here, before the entire free world that I...well, I begin the revolution today. The revolution to take charge of my life, and to encourage others to do the same. It does not have to be alot, just do something this week that is of your heart's desire...anything, and enjoy yourself. Live, if only for a minute and escape the mundane. You are truly all that you wish and think you can be...allow yourself to cast off fear and exercise a bit of those dreams locked up in the cavities of your mind. Be more human...and then, by next year this entry will be pointless. You may come back to it and say it means nothing...for everyday is to be lived as if it were the last one here. In 2008, make no excuses...just live. As for me, well, I will keep you posted on my new adventures oh so frequently...peace and happy new year.