We sent my grandmother home today, Mary Louise Banks. She was 90 years old. She was my favorite person. She just, well, she put so much into me. So much life, and I tried to be a good grandson I really did. But, I always think of more I could of done; things I could have said; time I could have spent. I actually know there is no place for that right now...that guilt accompanies death like personal servant-attending to all its needs. I need not buy into guilt right now, but part of me wants to dwell in this sad place...the pain, the tears somehow bring me closer to her. I know this all sounds like nonsense but emotions have no basis in fact or reality. They are not bound to rules or parameters...emotions are free and whether you choose to submit to them or not, they are ever-present. On days such as this one, their power is overwhelming.
I cannot be sad but I cannot be happy either. My grandma is gone; outside this existence and entering into a new day. A day undefined by time, hours or minutes, and lasting infinitely.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Extended
I was in a training class today-actually an executive leadership class and the coach asked everyone how they were feeling at the end of it. People went about the normal list of terms-"motivated", "present", "engaged"...yada, yada, yada. I mean I am usually on that train as well, but today, well just in general lately I have felt particularly extended. Almost like Mr. Fantastic. Not familiar with the Fantastic Four? Well, Mr. Fantastic the self-appointed leader of the four, was basically an elastic man-whose limbs could stretch hundreds of feet. In every one of their adventures it would somehow be necessary for him to stretch to the maximum of his body limit to stop a train, or save a helpless citizen. Afterwards however, he would be stretched out (literally) and weak. Extended.
I just think I have so much happening that the thing I really need to take care of-my dissertation proposal, is the last piece of work that I have touched. I sit here now and write a blog when I could be taking a few minutes to do something toward it. But I always say tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I will do no more tomorrow but it make me feel okay about today...Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow...yeah, you get it right. I am succumbing to what many have called self-sabotage. I must fight my way out of my way...or I am destined to not quite get this right.
Still, regardless of what I have to do-I feel drained. Like no matter how much work I put in, there is only more work as the prize. It is like being inside a box and working diligently to break out of that box, and you bust through and find-you are still in another box. So you begin to work on busting out of that and you finally make it and...another box. No light just tunnel. It can be discouraging...and at times can move you into the space of nothingness. What is nothingness? Well, it is when you do nothing, say nothing, feel nothing and have nothing to look forward to. Got to, for me to be successful, make something out of nothing.
I just think I have so much happening that the thing I really need to take care of-my dissertation proposal, is the last piece of work that I have touched. I sit here now and write a blog when I could be taking a few minutes to do something toward it. But I always say tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I will do no more tomorrow but it make me feel okay about today...Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow...yeah, you get it right. I am succumbing to what many have called self-sabotage. I must fight my way out of my way...or I am destined to not quite get this right.
Still, regardless of what I have to do-I feel drained. Like no matter how much work I put in, there is only more work as the prize. It is like being inside a box and working diligently to break out of that box, and you bust through and find-you are still in another box. So you begin to work on busting out of that and you finally make it and...another box. No light just tunnel. It can be discouraging...and at times can move you into the space of nothingness. What is nothingness? Well, it is when you do nothing, say nothing, feel nothing and have nothing to look forward to. Got to, for me to be successful, make something out of nothing.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Standing in the Gap
So I am a big brother. Not literally, but a Big in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. I have been in the program for, well, about 5 years. My little is a good kid, but just hit 13 and well I think change is in our midst. Not change for the worse, but just teenage change and my role has to change as well. I don't ever mean to say I would try to be anyone's father-I have a son-but I need to be more involved. He is a young African American male, growing up in one of the toughest neighborhoods in DC, toughest in the country for that matter...and he is very much a boy. A good boy. The kind that the streets love to devour, detour, disintegrate...destroy. I cannot say I will not let that happen-what will happen will happen. But I must do my part to not allow it to happen.
Life is full of responsibilities-some you take on willing and others that just stand in front of you asking to be acquired. I am not one to run from responsibility. I feel that not only do I have a responsibility to every little boy, especially little African American boys, but most specifically to my little brother. I have known him since he was 8 years old. I remember meeting him at the Big Brothers/Sisters Office. He was with his mom and grandma. They had to check me out and ask some questions-then I met him. Skinny little kid with a big head-he would be so mad if he read that. Big ol' eyes just taking me in. He will never know I was actually scared to meet him too. I had been trying to get into the program for a while, but at first I could not get in contact with the right office, then they lost my fingerprints, then I got busy and just did not respond to calls...and finally, he and I sit across from one another.
I couldn't really say exactly why it was so important for me to be in the program. I guess it is that I have a great dad, and I knew both my grandfathers and spent an enormous amount of time with them. I am who I am because of the men in my life. I just felt I needed to be appreciative of the love that was given to me and not take that blessing for granted...and just try to give back a bit, if I could. Maybe I could help at least one little guy. Maybe.
The time has just passed by, and we have spent some great times together. I love this kid, sincerely, and I want the best for him. Young people are the only hope our future has, and they are beautiful...every one of them. It is just that some of the challenges they face are unfair, unjust and simply unequal. But that is the situation they have been placed in. The cards they have been dealt. People like me, and maybe you if your are reading this, are their only hope at times. That is just how it has been laid out. The cards that we have been dealt.
I am not trying to save the world, not all of it at once LOL. But I do want to make a difference. I have to do the right thing. It is necessary for my own survival. It is just how I am wired. I am not saying all this to paint some perfect picture of myself-not at all. Every man has their vices, issues, demons to be exorcised. But in my heart, I truly live to help people. Young people are so amazing to me. Their energy, ingenuity and naivety all rolled up into one is something that can fade over time-which is in part good but more so bad. Their eyes full of so much passion and confidence...as if nothing could ever shift them from their dreams and vision of the world. We must support that belief in the impossible...enforce imagination and sponsor dreams, as much as we can. If we do not, then...well, they become lifeless souls who exist for material gain and individual pleasure-and do not understand that each person has been placed here with a purpose...beyond him or herself. A purpose for humanity, that they must fulfill.
Regardless, I need to just be a better friend to my little right now. He is going through some things, growing pains, that can cause a young man to lose his focus. It is a precious time, and without significant "positive" role models than others will be found, and they may not have his best interest at heart. I, for the moment, am still cool to him. I have to capitalize on that-while it lasts. I will pray that God watches over him, and affords me the time to invest a bit more into him as well. Together, I pray we can help influence his life. We all must stand in the gap for folks at some point, because if you truly analyze your own journey you will know that many others stood in the gap for you. Give back...and receive life.
Not of blood relation but we still
kin-folk
Been told stories of my granddaddy's peoples
that was separated and sold
so we don't know if we really distant
cousins
doesn't matter be my
brother
regardless
and I will come when he call
lift him if he fall
stand beside in trouble
and applaud in triumph
for his victory is my own
and we have grown in our short
time together
yet a relationship not measured
by hours and seconds
but the investment in one another
the intangibles gained
frame the picture round our existence
and bear witness,
I will be here when the losses outweigh the wins
the good deeds overshadowed
by sins
and the world casts doubt on your very name
I promise to be the same
solid
situated differently than all others
simply put
Your brother...
Copyright 12
Life is full of responsibilities-some you take on willing and others that just stand in front of you asking to be acquired. I am not one to run from responsibility. I feel that not only do I have a responsibility to every little boy, especially little African American boys, but most specifically to my little brother. I have known him since he was 8 years old. I remember meeting him at the Big Brothers/Sisters Office. He was with his mom and grandma. They had to check me out and ask some questions-then I met him. Skinny little kid with a big head-he would be so mad if he read that. Big ol' eyes just taking me in. He will never know I was actually scared to meet him too. I had been trying to get into the program for a while, but at first I could not get in contact with the right office, then they lost my fingerprints, then I got busy and just did not respond to calls...and finally, he and I sit across from one another.
I couldn't really say exactly why it was so important for me to be in the program. I guess it is that I have a great dad, and I knew both my grandfathers and spent an enormous amount of time with them. I am who I am because of the men in my life. I just felt I needed to be appreciative of the love that was given to me and not take that blessing for granted...and just try to give back a bit, if I could. Maybe I could help at least one little guy. Maybe.
The time has just passed by, and we have spent some great times together. I love this kid, sincerely, and I want the best for him. Young people are the only hope our future has, and they are beautiful...every one of them. It is just that some of the challenges they face are unfair, unjust and simply unequal. But that is the situation they have been placed in. The cards they have been dealt. People like me, and maybe you if your are reading this, are their only hope at times. That is just how it has been laid out. The cards that we have been dealt.
I am not trying to save the world, not all of it at once LOL. But I do want to make a difference. I have to do the right thing. It is necessary for my own survival. It is just how I am wired. I am not saying all this to paint some perfect picture of myself-not at all. Every man has their vices, issues, demons to be exorcised. But in my heart, I truly live to help people. Young people are so amazing to me. Their energy, ingenuity and naivety all rolled up into one is something that can fade over time-which is in part good but more so bad. Their eyes full of so much passion and confidence...as if nothing could ever shift them from their dreams and vision of the world. We must support that belief in the impossible...enforce imagination and sponsor dreams, as much as we can. If we do not, then...well, they become lifeless souls who exist for material gain and individual pleasure-and do not understand that each person has been placed here with a purpose...beyond him or herself. A purpose for humanity, that they must fulfill.
Regardless, I need to just be a better friend to my little right now. He is going through some things, growing pains, that can cause a young man to lose his focus. It is a precious time, and without significant "positive" role models than others will be found, and they may not have his best interest at heart. I, for the moment, am still cool to him. I have to capitalize on that-while it lasts. I will pray that God watches over him, and affords me the time to invest a bit more into him as well. Together, I pray we can help influence his life. We all must stand in the gap for folks at some point, because if you truly analyze your own journey you will know that many others stood in the gap for you. Give back...and receive life.
Not of blood relation but we still
kin-folk
Been told stories of my granddaddy's peoples
that was separated and sold
so we don't know if we really distant
cousins
doesn't matter be my
brother
regardless
and I will come when he call
lift him if he fall
stand beside in trouble
and applaud in triumph
for his victory is my own
and we have grown in our short
time together
yet a relationship not measured
by hours and seconds
but the investment in one another
the intangibles gained
frame the picture round our existence
and bear witness,
I will be here when the losses outweigh the wins
the good deeds overshadowed
by sins
and the world casts doubt on your very name
I promise to be the same
solid
situated differently than all others
simply put
Your brother...
Copyright 12
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