inspired

I never knew exactly when I would know that writing was my only way out of the monotony of life. I just always thought, if I ever found there was nothing I could do...all else failed, well then I would sit and write the great American novel and be back in the world. Get a job, just writing. It was my essential fall back plan. Yup-no formal training or "by lines" to speak of, but if it all fell down I would toss in the chips and just make it as an author. That was plan B.

The problem is, plan A was never quite figured out. The bigger irony in all of this is that many would say that I am a planner. That my life has been well scripted and I am just fulfilling roles that I wrote long ago...I know this is not an original thought as I heard it in a movie once-but regardless, I am just living the screenplay I drafted college. That is what some may think. However, I am not. It may sound like it if I get into telling the story, but my history is not to be told in chronological order. No sir, it is for chapters, and cutouts and missing scenes. I am no this, then, that type of cat. But I digress.

Writing was or maybe is to be my ticket. Major hurdle in writing though is what are you even going to write about? I mean, it is easy to want to say something but realize that upon making the statement the world will view you differently. I have discussed that concept before, so no need to revisit but if you want to really get your message across to the masses...write it yourself. The world will hear you...or at least they will give you a multitude of opinions on what they heard.

But back to the great American novel...how does one begin? Did Henry David Thoreau know that Walden would be heralded as one of the great American novels? No-he just went to the woods and wrote...most probably thought he was weird but he just needed to think and be away from it all. Now his thoughts are treasured, by millions. In other words, there is no formula, you just let go and release the story that has survived within you for as long as you know. If people can relate, then you are on you way. Books transcend time because times change, but people do not. There are only so many human emotions and they do not mutate over time...humans are humans. Therefore, if you touch them in this day in age, you will touch them in the future and beyond.

So I have been inspired to write again...like every few months, and prayerfully I provide something worth reading. If not now, perhaps later. For someone. Regardless, it is a beginning to a story already begun.

Baby...

I have not written in over a month...busy with life and all the so-called essential things I guess, kinda put away the author. But right now, in this moment, 10-27-10, I had to put words down on this page-so they would be frozen in time and someday, years from now you will be able to read them. Maybe you will know from the first day you were recognized, a "yes +" on a small screen, that I already loved you, cared for you, looked forward to you being here. Hopefully, this space will not be the only place you ever recognize or know that, but regardless I needed to tell someone how amazing it is to feel how I feel right now. I am dreaming I think. Dreaming awake...and you are a reality of my dream but not so much that I am dreaming but just blessed, and overwhelmed by the blessing God has given Melissa and I...that blessing is you.

I am trying to think about the prayers that have created this moment. First all those for me to understand and be able to open myself up to true love. Then the prayers that cleared me of my single-sightedness and allowed me to find my wife...your mommy. Lastly, the prayers we both knelt down and asked of God that brought you into our spirit-which is where you dwell right now. I wonder what you will be like...how will you talk, if you will look like me or you Mom. All I really hope for is that you are healthy, 10 fingers and 10 toes and all the sensibilities God could offer. That is all that matters.

I want to be so much better than I am now. I do not think I am bad, I feel like I am doing well in the world...material success some may say. But that is not what I am talking about. I know God has provided us with the means to take care of our future, but by being better I want to be smarter about all my decisions. I am responsible for you and your mother. I take that role and responsibility seriously...more so even than my own existence, except that my existence is directly tied to your success and opportunity in this world and therefore the two are connected. I want to be a good man, friend, role model, confident, leader, teacher...father. Wow, father. I have never wanted to be anything so much, and want to do it so well. You inspire me, you may never truly realize how much.

I am very happy at this moment. My wife, she...well, she is my everything. She is half of my whole, my heart resides with her. You have been created in a most divine space. A space of pure love and everlasting emotion. All that has been a part of your creation has been beautiful. I love Melissa as I have never loved anyone, and it is in that deep sea of mutuality between two human beings, man and woman, that the seed of your life has been sown. You are a part of God's divine plan for our lives, and I thank him for you. You are the best thought I have ever had...best fear I have ever felt...best anxiety ever placed upon me...best love I have ever known.

I promise to be there for you, to take care of you, to love you and your mother, to provide for you both, and to never let you down. I accept you willingly and completely, and you are the most beautiful gift I could ever have been given. I can't wait to meet you. Daddy loves you very much my sweet, and I will see you soon.