2011

So 2011 is closing down...what a year. My wife and I had a son. A beautiful little boy, who we just spent Christmas with. It was...well, there are really no true words to describe how wonderful it all was...my parents were with us, family came over for dinner, just love...abundant love for us and everyone. Real picturesque so to speak. Nice holiday and great way to close out the year. There are a few days left, but I sit here now and through it all it has been a very good year. I cannot complain. God has shown me how wonderful he is time and time again. Amazing.

I mean a little boy is sleep upstairs and he is my child. Amazing. My wife has been home with him everyday of his life, and we have not missed a beat. Amazing. My father has survived trial after trial-and he and my mom were here on Christmas Day. Amazing. I really love and cherish my wife...I mean we are cool, and I like her. It sounds like why is that special you should, but well, yeah considering the world. Amazing. Thank you God for all you do for me. For us. For us all.

I can't believe the year is almost over. It seems like every year we say the same things, make at least one or two of the same resolutions and promises...but it all feels the same yet different each time we get to this point in the year. Christmas is like the climax of every year. New Year's is just that last party before graduation, but it is basically a wrap. Still, 2011 was progressive and quite enlightening. The creation of life is like the most basic principle of existence yet it cannot be easily understood. Even watching my child grow and adapt is like too much to even take in. The changes are so dramatic and so rapid...frighteningly beautiful.

So if nothing else, 2011 has taught me to slow down...listen, observe and relax. It is more to it than what you see, hear, touch, feel...say. There is more to this whole thing, this whole life and existence paradigm. 2011 opened me up to this new vision for myself, my family and everything around me. The people are changing...some becoming parents and others more career-focused than ever before, but still more of who I relate to than others...just growing more with folks. Ties are stronger and expectations are different.

Discipline...

is basically a skill set that I lack. I do not really know why I cannot maintain a solid gym routine, or head to the library to write as soon as I wake up on Saturday morning. I feel it all has to do with discipline, and in my life it has been difficult to exercise it. I say this because even blogging has become, over the last year, a chore. Not like I ever was dedicated to a daily dose of thoughts here anyway, but in 2011 I probably wrote less than ever. I don't even know the last time I tried to write a poem...but life changes you and although discipline is part of the rationale of 'not doing,' other priorities often supersede, well really, they supersede time spent to improve me. I know that sounds kinda crazy but it is true.

In this year I became a father, and first and foremost it is a wonderful thing. I do not know of any other feeling, or responsibility I have ever had so intensely and taken so seriously. However, I am a father, a husband and a provider. In these roles, I feel the need to spend a significant amount of time with the two people I love the most in the world, my wife and son, and the rest of my time is often spent at work, or working, or thinking about work...or yeah. So, that being stated, the time I have put in to work on my dissertation-minimal, and the time I have put in for exercise of the mind and body-non-existent. It is not a bad thing, or a right or wrong thing, but it just is.

This is where discipline comes in. There are enough hours in the day, to do a little bit of everything. It doesn't always feel like it, but there are. You just have to manage your day better...I have to manage MY day better-maybe I should say it aloud a hundred times. It really does not give a lot of time to just chill, or watch mindless TV or lie in the bed for hours on the weekend. But it is what it will take to reach all the goals I initially set for myself. It is easy to talk about too; to say I will start tomorrow...and not do so. But why? Why is being disciplined so hard? Do I not want to be in great shape, and complete my studies and be a successful person...more successful? Do I not want to be a shining example of hard work and diligence to my son and my family?

The answers to these questions is "I do", and I think others who have this problem with discipline do as well. They, like I, are not always capable of maintaining or rather exercising discipline in their daily lives for a few reasons:

1. I deserve time to "VEG" out-this is my most common excuse for not exercising discipline in a multitude of areas. I work hard all day, and then put in time with the family so it is only natural that I take a few minutes to do nothing. The problem is, there is a stress associated with doing nothing when there is definitely something else that could be accomplished during this time...so vegging out ain't as comfortable as it may seem on the surface.

2. Not enough hours in the day-this is the lack of serious time management in your life. Yes, there are only 24 hours in a day, and when you should sleep for 8 to 10 of those, that leaves at max 16 hours to get it done. Still, 16 hours a day is a significant amount of time. The hard part about discipline in regards to specific activities is that because you may not be able to dedicate the time you want to an activity, you just don't dedicate any time. You claim that is not discipline, but lack of time. However, a disciplined approach manages time differently-where as you may have 45 minutes to work out and that time is scheduled into your day. You would like to work out for 2 hours, but 45 minutes is all that can happen so you exercise at the same time everyday for JUST enough time, where getting showered and dressed keeps you in your 45 minute window. It is not exactly what you want...but it is more than nothing using a disciplined approach.

3. I am disciplined when I need to be-this is the notion that I can turn on discipline when I need it. An example for me has been I get to work between 8 and 9 everyday, but I like to get there before 8. Now I can, if I have a meeting or something that is pertinent, get to the office in the 7am hour, but it ain't happening daily. My rationale is it can happen when I need it too-but why not all the time? True discipline is setting standard for yourself that you do not deviate from.

So obviously I have it all figured out huh...well, exercising discipline is a lot easier than drafting this blog. It has to be a mindset-change from what is in order to head to what "can be". So, the goal is to read this entry as often as necessary to reaffirm that which I already know. I can be better, do more, achieve success and maintain balance if I try. I must try...

In the mix...

So I went back to work today...I was off a month on paternity leave. You know, men do not leave work to work on the ultimate job, that of their family. But I feel like the most important thing that I have ever done was be there to support my wife and my newborn baby. It was a phenomenal experience-filled with very high highs, and some adjustments that could be considered...at moments, lows. A child is a most precious gift, but Lord knows it ain't no easy task to take care of a baby. Heavy lifting as one of my homies says.

Regardless though, my home stay was a foundational piece for the longevity of my family. In conjunction with this family theme, we have received more love than the average person may receive in a lifetime...gifts, visits, well wishes in the most abundant way. God is grand-for I believe he speaks through his children. They have embraced us and been a reflection of his goodness. Cameron has been brought into a very special little corner of the world.

The result of all this is that I am a father. A daddy. I knew this day would come in some manner, but the actuality of it all still overwhelms me at times. I count hours now...never did that before. Everyday is so precious, he is growing by the minute and I can see it. The craziest thing is I helped to make him...he is a piece of my very being. Melissa and I created the most amazing thing in the world, a human being.

Latecomer

So we got to the hospital at about 7:25 this morning. The water broke yesterday, so we are in the say, 26th hour since that time and still no real activity. Contractions are mild and few and far between, and therefore the little one is, how shall we say it, just chillin in the womb. We were due last week, but our little person is more comfortable in than out it seems. But it is time to meet the world, and since the water broke we really had no choice but to come in and start to induce labor-ever so easy. This is all so new to me. Nothing like the movies-where the water breaks and you rush to the hospital and viola'-baby here! No, the real world is nothing like that.

This whole scene at the hospital is different, almost surreal. I know we are here, and about to have a kid but I feel like I am dreaming. My wife is already a soldier-and well, I guess I am just playing my position. Where you at lil homie-pop is waiting on you. Damn, Pop-that is bout to be me. Say word. Word.

Pending

So the tale of waiting for baby continues...I dumped my Escalade on Saturday, for a Lincoln Navigator-say what? Word, and presently I am at the dealer waiting on a new key and wheel locks. Oh, by the way-it is our anniversary-2 years and counting. I love my wife, and well, love makes you change the way you think at times. The Cadillac was my alter ego-big, gawdy and simply the loudest voice in the room. Every time I got in it, well, I became a super hero...hip hop in motion you know. But, after the theft of the wheels last year and busted out windows last week, well-the wife no longer wanted the"ego" around. Respect. So, I looked for something comparable but not as, well, you know, noticeable. So, the Navi-not sure if it is less noticeable but it hopefully will not be a "target".

Anyway, all this is part of the master plan to prepare for the little one. We want no drama, stress, or bad energy around our home or any other place while in the days of final preparation. I am so, all over the place about this baby. I mean, in a totally positive way...but just scared, nervous, psyched, proud, anxious, hesitant...all the above you know. I want to be the best father ever, but I do not know what that means. I have great father, and I had the best grandfathers too...so maybe I do know what it means in the surreal subconscious way, but I want to be the best me.

There is no way of knowing how you will do until, well, until you begin doing it so I guess all in all that will be the testimony-once it begins. It is approaching so fast-seems like all the months went by in a flash, and here Liss and I are, on the cusp of parenthood. I never wanted to be so right in all my life-right like in righteous; walking a straighter path. Lord knows I need help to be the best me, so I feel like he blessed us with the little wonder. This responsibility to take both Melissa and I to our next level of consciousness. Not simply on somewhat can I do for my child, but what can I be and what type of example will I set for my child. It is not about losing yourself for the little one, but about becoming the best you for the little one. Least that is how I am thinking about it right now...at this moment. The true emotions that I will feel, when he or she gets to the world is locked somewhere deep down inside me, but I have a feeling it will surge to the top of my being when I get my first look at our child. Love is pending release.

Stay tuned.

VCU...Final Four

So I graduated from a state school over 15 years ago...it is a University, but not one that is, well, shall we say a household name. I used to say the name of the school to people and they would be like where is that? I would break it down, talk about their accredited communications program and kinda leave it at that. I have always been proud of my alma mater, can't say I have filled the coffers of the alumni association with big dollars, but I represent the brand and that accounts for a little bit.

On the statistical side, the school is not tiny, it has about 20,000 students, but most are local kids...or maybe they go to the Medical College attached to the University. Still, it is a great institution, just has not gotten the notoriety of those schools with gigantic sports programs, like say a Georgetown or Kansas for that matter. But in the last week, the entire world has become aware of the school with the long name, and came face to face with the fact that maybe...just maybe fairytales do come true. I am talking about what has now become the "improbable" run of the Smart (Coach Shaka Smart) led Virginia Commonwealth University men's basketball team to the 2011 Final Four.

In the midst of 2 weeks and 5 games, the Rams have entered the hearts and minds of the nation by showing up to the big dance, and well-not looking to leave. They beat USC in the first four, the first time there was a first four and well solidified that this will not be the last time. They then beat Georgetown-I mean whipped them, and simultaneously beat the notion that this mid-major should have ever made the tourney. They then smacked Purdue-a #3 seed and folks began to say, "wait a minute, who the hell are these guys busting my brackets?" And at last the Mighty Kansas falls...black and yellow baby.

So we are going to the Final Four. The little school with the long name, my alma mater. No longer will I have to repeat myself several times when folks ask-where did you go to undergrad again? Yeah, this is for the mid-major, state school, Pell Grant receiving degreed professionals who went to a good, yet relatively unknown University. You got alot on your backs running Rams, carry the load as best you can. Regardless of win or lose though, I got bragging rights til March of next year...and beyond. Go RAMS!!!

Plain Jane

I suppose she wore plain clothes

to deafen the sound of her beauty

still, most could hear nothing when she

walked in the room

silencer of idle conversation...

men and women alike found themselves bound in

admiration when gazing upon

her frame

like an airbrushed photograph there were no

flaws revealed...

she appealed to all types,

no denial by any with eyes

and once heard tell that a blind man could feel

her physical perfection if he got within

10 feet of her person

petite yet not, she is

with curves that capture the imagination

a dream perhaps

yet the mind could not conceive

the creator's work in its purest form

Eve might have been her name

Untitled

She sleeping and I lie awake,

wondering what has taken place

in our lives

up to this moment...

3 of us here where once were two

and though I cannot see everyone presently

both present here with me

presents they both be

so I lie awake and contemplate

how to make dollars out of the few

senses I have

intentions clad in my best clothes

and though the stress shows on my temples

I wash away the gray with tears

happiness escapes my eyes

and it is the first time I have cried...

not in fear

perhaps simply foreshadowing

responsibility placed upon me by our Father

Father I too...will be

inhibitions appear but I look beyond them

look to she...sleeping

I, awake

no mistakes in this life

ours more like an unexpected plan

still the expectations of a man

I plan to fulfill

as one is supposed to

so close to God...I reach out

to touch his divine creation

and the movement across her mid-section

a most blessed response

a key in the riddle of eternity...

we 3, infinitely connected

A family