Seeking direction...

wandering through the wilderess
of the west
lost but blessed
we be for all the
sacrifices
made
tests passed without mistake
mistakes made less regrets
regrets that make for great stories
stories that bring light
to the wilderness
whilst we wander
looking for ourselves

Faded Hiatus

So I have been out of the office for 3 weeks...the first to take care of my sick 2-year old son, but the next two to write and basically move myself into the zone of finishing this dissertation.  It has been a grind, but also a lovely experience to just be researching, interviewing, thinking and doing at least a lil bit of writing.  Now-well, I gots to go back to the gig.  It is always difficult after being out for a while to get back into the saddle-but I have to hit the ground running.  There is a lot of different moving parts at my job and well I have to get everything in order and quickly.  I may not be there, so much mentally right now but it is where I have to be.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time on here trying to get my mind right...this is sort of like my safe space.  In between words and sentences...consonants and punctuation-I am free in this space.  Writing just whatever comes to mind.  That is even what I have been doing with the dissertation, however it comes to mind.  Tomorrow...well, it will be different.  The difference for me is though, well, I have to approach it all in a different way.  Only take on what I feel I can handle in a particular moment.  Understand that it is not about me, but the process of getting work done.  Empower others.  Lastly, don't take it all so seriously.

Prayerfully I can listen more, talk less, and just allow myself to fall back into to work.  Another hour it will be a new day.  Not back to the same, but on to a more positive perspective.  Pray for me yall.

34...to go

Before I enter a new decade of existence.  A little over a month.  What is next is almost cliche at this point, I say it so much.  Don't really have an answer for the question that now haunts me.  What is next, at the big number.  I mean age, cliche coming at ya, is nothing more than a number anyway but well, it has some relevance in life.  I front sometimes, or rather try to act as if I am not affected by the total revolutions of the earth but I am...especially when a new decade approaches.

I think the problem with birthdays after a certain age as they speak more to mortality than immortality.  Like, when you are young the next birthday brings with it so much excitement...13, 16, 18, 21, 25, 30...umm, yeah, kinda stop getting hype round there.  Still it is all very much about being young, or your age...hey man, I am just 30 something...not. Anymore that is.  I will not be.  Have not really grasped it all yet.  The literal aspects of it-the number you know.  Like, I am entering a club I heard about but it doesn't look like a lot of folks inside...lonely maybe.

On the flip side of anxiety regarding the sheer number itself is the practical and competitive me with me.  So, what have I accomplished?  What am I doing with my life, and am I en route to there?  Where, well, that next level of course.  Getting paid, living large, ballin...or just really enjoying what I do and being financially okay at the same time.  Questioning that right now you know.  The number does that to people.  Makes you question if you have really been working hard...enough.  Time is getting shorter...like days in the fall; wish I could fall back sometimes...midlife savings time.

But regardless of anxiety and emotion it is coming.  The number approaches, the number approaches...run for your life.  At least exercise more and eat better.  That is what the number does, makes you think a little bit more about the Venti Carmel Frappucino-and say naw-just black coffee for me.  And a water.  Side of boredom.  But seriously, I got to get it together only 34 more days to go.  Really like 33 and 1/3 as today is about shot.  33 days.

Maybe I am tripping because my wife is younger than me.  I mean, I knew that when we met.  She is great, just young...:-)  I can't say I don't love that, but it does make me think about my age sometimes.  Probably should up my life insurance.  Just jokes world...just trying to cope with this aging process that is all.  Just trying to get all prepared for the number.  Never really cared but for some reason this time it is on my mind.  At least right now.

I think it is all really about where do I feel I am in life, and basically how do I get to a "best" space?  Not so much worried about getting older, just analyzing whether or not I am moving forward as time progresses.  This is the question.  33 and 1/3 days to think it through.

Worthless...

It's gonna rain
It's gonna rain,
You better get ready...
and bear this in mind
God showed Noah on the rainbow's sign
He said it won't be water
But fire next
time

Fire like flame from cannon spit
hot shells shot
hit lil boy not meant for punishment
so severe
lying in a pool of his own life
hopes, dreams pouring out
of his insides
and inside this sick ego tripping
wannabe policeman racially motivated
murderer
there is no conscience...
same as the legal system which supported
this institutionally justified homicide
same as the six culturally insensitive females
that decided bruises on skin of man more akin to them
legalized the killing of a colored child
armed with nothing more than pride
and a bag of candy...
can't be reality-yet it is
black life simply
worthless
having no value or use
despicable

not held in the same regard 

as those of a different hue
not deserving of justice
nor redemption
meaning black life is
less than
a negative factor when entered into any
equation
and thus equating the designation
worthless
so there is no thought of self defense for
a child stalked by man
with ill intent and no authority
to perform any action against
the child's person...
there is no sympathy for a black mother
who identifies the screams of her child
as truth...her truth denied as a lie
there is no question raised to a perpetrator's
actions simply because he feared for his life...
as if the black child did not, but since his life worth less
than it is fair that he died
Justice it all seems to be
to a society
centered on moving past apologies
of atrocities of the past
past legislative policies that address inequalities
masked as discrimination to the majority
past urban school systems that work
past equal pay for equal work
past decisions that cast doubt upon
any illusion of progress that an African American may
possess
the election of a president has not changed
the present...
seems we have seen it all before
this acknowledgement of our people's worth
burns our hearts
like crosses on the front lawn
firehoses outside Woolworth's store
broken dreams left lying on hotel balconies
strange fruit hanging from Georgia trees
or the face of a young Emmett Till...before and after
on cover of Jet magazine
we are familiar with this recognition of value
admittance of indifference
and it blankets our community with anxiety
about the future of our children
the lives of little black boys
Priceless...
invaluable in my mind
but fear clouds my thoughts...
how will our babies survive?
and all I see is clouds
praying for our sons
all I see is clouds
praying for the sun
For it rained on Saturday...a mighty storm it
came a falling from the sky
waterdrops fell violently
similar to the tears from my eyes
hush now, they say...rain will pass,
but I ask what happens
when the rain
subsides...?
will we be better
when the fire comes...
next time?

Can't Stand the Complacency

Of me currently

be 40 in a few weeks and it seems 

been on cruise control for a few

years

and in a few years

I just want to cruise into the golden age

but can't do so if aint no wages

made presently 

so complacency got to change

like dollars to cents

or diapers full of shit 

and I been full of it

for some time but 

it has run out...time that is 

and I am tired of just running my lips 

talking 

loud 

saying much of nothing 

or alot of the same 

but the game made for franchise players

and I aint even starting

late comer perhaps 

woke from my midlife nap and see 

cats out here eating

better than me and I am working on 

a 3rd degree

no black belt except the one holding up these

dungarees  

he who wears the pants sometime is worse for wear

and I am worn out but not faded

clear thinking...thinking I got to make some paper off these papers

sense to dollars

the ink of a scholar worthless if nothing has been written

light hidden by the darkness 

of doubt

statements made permanent during internal conversations 

turn down the volume in my mind

turn down the noise...

background noise just jazz in my granddad's caddy

traveling music taking me 

from here to where I am going

gone from the land where a man stands

still

waiting for change to happen upon him

he is adjacent to opportunity

I rather be perpendicular 

opportunity and I intersecting 

crashing into one another

falling recklessly into my future...

embracing the past like a great novel read 

on vacation

never read novels twice do I 

reflect but don't repeat 

moving toward the vision of tomorrow

the un-accomplished...mission possible

and even if they call for rain

I will carry an umbrella

or dare to get wet

drenched in ancestral optimism

can't stand so I sit and write away the blues