Unsure?

Have you ever been unsure of yourself, like really not knowing whether you were right or wrong...if you would lose or win? I mean, I think most people are often this way-unsure-some so much that it is detrimental to their respective progress in life. I was historically the opposite...very confident and secure in who I was and the decisions I made. I was always optimistic about situations, be it a test just taken or a date with a sister, all positive outcomes to be had in my eyes. I was just so sure of that. But today, or perhaps for a while now, I have been very unsure about some things and to an extent about my immediate future...and it scares me.

I am not scared as in frightened, but scared of the unknown and what will come out of it...again, I usually welcomed tomorrow and dashed toward it with reckless abandon. I, and maybe it is just today, am more cautious now...and to a point skeptical about my own abilities. It is as if God has been on a mission to humble me, forcing me to focus on that which I want with all I have within, and not the half-way approach I have taken to things before. The foundation for this feeling or this sudden period of self awareness came earlier in 2006 when I did not pass a test in Graduate school. It was a test on all the knowledge I held within, regarding the subject that had been the major course of my study since I began graduate school...but I failed.

I have not experienced an intimate relationship with failure before, and subsequently I may have ignored the fact that I had failed at all. I avoided thinking about it, although I did accept it. It was upon the acceptance that I internally felt, well, I have learned my lesson Lord so thanks and on this next test there will be no problems. Honestly, I studied harder and did all the preliminary things prior to taking the test-just a few weeks ago. However, I do not feel good about the outcome...and right now, at this very moment, I am unsure. Unsure of my performance, unsure of the perception of me by professors I so respect...and as stated, unsure about my ability to even be successful with this endeavor.

To second guess oneself is common...we are human. We look for the respect and acceptance of others...oft times to even provide us with any self-worth. Self-worth measured by the measurement of ourselves by other men. However, this is not about a lack of self esteem on my part, not this time. It is about personal uncertainty- the space in time between self-hate and self-adoration...the area where you asks real questions about your own character but find no answers, only more questions. Frederick Douglass once said there is no success without struggle...and that struggle is defined individually. Perhaps this is my struggle at present, unlike others but for my life a major struggle indeed. It could also be a defining moment-how you respond to challenges, big or small, will define you over time.