Cold

At times I turn the heat down, to where it is warmer than the wintery outside but still cold. Initially I blamed it on the heating bill, which still bears most of the reason why, but in ways I liked to be a little chilly...to get under the covers in bed and have to rub against the sheets to get warm. Cold is such a negative term when applied to people. If a person is cold, then synonyms would be mean, callous, evil, un-feeling. But maybe at times we all are cold...or should be allowed to be. I am not talking about the way the words that often describe cold are used-but just not warm. Being alone, when the world wishes to embrace you, is cold or has been defined as such. Look at stars who dodge the media, atheletes who do not sign autographs for little kids, teachers who only talk to you during office hours or class...all cold. Maybe they just wanted to be alone on that day-the day they were then labeled as cold. For example, if you would like to be alone, if only for a moment, and someone asks you is that what you want or rather prefer and you say yes...well, that can be seen as cold. But, there are times when being alone is best...I don't know. It is obvious, not all questions can be answered by writing them out; the hypothetical remains...well, hypothetical.

But maybe I write it out in another manner-

cold
as if window left open on wintery morn
air in here is frigid
and the rationale not easy
to understand
nor explain
sometimes the weather changes abruptly
not necessarily anything
wrong
just the present climate
not suitable for the environment
so many toxics in the air
most invisible to the naked
eye
and I try to see it coming
prepare
but the temperature drops suddenly
and we no longer chilling
we are chilly
cold to one another
and though you may
leave for a warmer space
cannot wrap
a blanket round your emotions
hearts frozen
but pride will keep you outside
understanding
til your eyes well with ice
tears like crystal
fall...
shatter and break upon the ground
and we stand shivering
distant from one another
the winds of silence whipping
round
so cold

RushTaper Copyright 2007

Yesterday...that was

Ever thought about the phenomenon of yesterday...the past? Ever want to go back and do things over that you did already-like change the outcome of today by going back into yesterday and deleting some stuff...actions, words, decisions. Ever wish you had just spent more time with someone? Not really worried about what you had to do or where you had to be...just kinda let all else alone and enjoyed someone as if time did not matter. I am not talking about something 20 years ago, or when you were a child...more recently, like yesterday or perhaps the day before. Maybe go back as far as last year...what if you had done something different-how would you feel now? Could you imagine how different things could be...would it be better or simply the same? Does yesterday even matter...did it define today?

The realm of hypothetical questions could literally drive you insane but still I wonder, about yesterday. You see, when it is gone-be it opportunity or blessing-it is gone. Never to come again. I mean it may be in another form-your opportunity or blessing-but it will not be the same and the series of life events attached to it will also be different...the course has been altered...at least that is one theory. I lost a piece of me a few days ago...a major part of all that I am has passed on into another realm of existence-one I cannot fully comprehend yet I still believe in it. I carry with me now, memories of all that she was...my sweet Grandmother, but I ask myself why I did not see her before she passed. I could have, even took off work to do so but decided I had more time...but her time was not aligned with my own and now...well, if only I could go back to yesterday.

Still, nothing would truly change...I may feel less guilty, but my final image would be unlike that which I carry at present so selfishly I treasure all that I see when I close my eyes. My image is absent the hospital, the pain and the suffering-the tubes and smells and my own helplessness. In that I am at peace. Still, I know from this point forward I must try to deal with all that GOD has and will place in my life-presently. There is no tomorrow, no time to get it right later. All you truly have is this moment, that is all that is assured you. So do not waste it. I miss my Grandmother already-I am hopeful that she and my Grandfather have reunited and he has escorted into her place in Heaven. I know how she missed him. It seems like only yesterday I was a little child on the farm with them...I am glad for the times my parents made me go see them, for the times they dropped me off for weeks in the summer, for the Sunday dinners my Grandma cooked...for all the yesterdays I shared with them. I will take her spirit with me into tomorrow and pray to do better, be better, live better.

Julian...

My man, one of my best friends in the world, called me and told me his wife had their baby...his first baby. A boy. His name is Julian. My friend of 16 years has a son now and I see the miracle of God and his infinite blessings falling upon him. What will his little boy grow to be...a doctor, lawyer, athelete, husband, father...future. He is simply that at this moment, the future. We give children too little credit, they are the life many of us have already lost or merely given up on. They bring forth new hopes and dreams for their parents, grandparents and in many ways for all who meet them. I smile every time I see a child, for they deserve that from me. They carry no shame, no prejudice...pure innocence. What will we fill them with? Often our own issues we placate on our children, until they are burdened with issues they will never be able to grasp for themselves-for we taint their opinion, their future decisions. I pray for all little children of the world-may the adults find a better path of which to lead them upon. But on this day, in this time, I celebrate a new life and the future of my good friend's name. Congratulations my brother, love to you and he I have yet to meet...

He is my first son,
born to me as blessing
and I cry tears of
revery
for he is all of the best
of everything I could
ever dream of...
all the best of
me...
my son
this child whom has grown
deep within the warmth of
love
shared between I and
she
my reflection
we have created
life
new...fresh...pure
a cure for all that ails
my spirit
and I can hear
the Creator whispering praise
in my ear
in my eyes I see
the beauty
of my ancestors
and my Grandmother
would be so proud
of this most recent
addition
she is positioned over
us both
for protection
and what a blessing
that God chose we
my wife and I
given life
in the form of
he
my sweet and beautiful
son
Julian

RushTaper Copyright 2007

Passion

I once met a woman and began to talk to her. We exchanged the normal pleasantries, titles and occupations with relative ease and the conversation was enjoyable. I then abruptly asked her, "What is you passion?" She did not quite understand the question, and asked me to explain. I simply restated the word- passion- "What is your passion...or rather what are you most passionate about?" She told me no one had ever asked her that question...and that she did not know. The conversation trailed off after that exchange...and well, I could not even tell you her name. In essence, the name of the woman does not matter it is the interaction that brings forth this entry, and that is the fact that she did not know what her passion was and had never bothered to even think of it. I do not feel like she is alone; that most people do not know what their passion is nor are they in active pursuit of it.

I may be one of those people. I went to a play last night. It was an August Wilson play entitled Jitney at the Ford's Theater. I knew one of the cast members, as we had worked together about 5 or 6 years ago. He had told me when we were both employees in the same spot, that this 9 to 5 was not him and he longed to be an actor. He told me he was going to try to make because he had a passion for acting. I remember thinking, man, you are way older than me-why you gonna try and be an actor now...that is not real responsible. I was a doubter...not necessarily in him but in the entire notion of pursuing your passion. I went to a reception after the play, and got to meet all the actors and see my friend. I told him how proud I was of him, and how much I enjoyed the play and his role within it. He told me the road has not been easy, but he feels so good simply doing what he loves to do...

Often, we are caught in routine; a safe routine where the biggest chance we take is buying a lottery ticket. I truly think that most are deterred from their passion as children...parents try to mold their children's lives to ensure they have the best opportunity to be successful. However, even if certain traits or desires are identified early, if they do not coincide with the route a parent thinks is best then those traits, desires...passions are not cultivated. I do not blame parents for this, it is a matter of socialization. I mean, if I had to work hard to make it I want my child to have it easier, and take the opportunities I provide to be better than me. The problem is that this notion of better most often has to do with "finance" and nothing to do with passion. Money does not equate happiness; a job that you have no love for is more punishment than pleasure.

The arguement is however, that passion cannot feed you. It can...there are millions of people eatting off their passion. But I do understand, a good job that pays well is not always easy to come by. The responsibilities of life can move you quickly from what one would like to do, to what one has to do. Passion can be misleading, unpredictable and inconsistent. It can rise and fall, and bring ridicule and even shame. Still, to live life for something that you really and truly believe in and to committ your life to work in that area is a beautiful notion. To be all your heart desires you to be...is that not what God intended? To me, God placed a passion for something within us all...and in some way the Creator wishes for us to pursue that which has been placed into our spirit-the catch is we must trust in him, through trial and tribulation, to reach that which we were born to pursue. Thus, passion and faith go hand in hand.

If we continue to hide from ourselves, we will never really know all we can be. If we never pursue our passion, then will we have ever truly lived? There are no true answers to this question, all must ask it of themselves and then reflect on their lives...am I getting the most out of this life or is it a dull routine that becomes more mundane by the minute? I used to perform and do spoken word poetry...now, I remember when I did. Occasionally I may do a performance-church or a school-but it is not as frequent as I would like. I think I will begin again...seeking out my passion and living, at least in part, for it. So I go back to the conversation with the unknown woman and ask the world- "What is your Passion?" - and will you ever pursue that which is within yourself?

Now and Then

On Monday we, America, celebrated the life of a King...Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. You can just look at his name and understand that God had a plan for his life...King...hmmm. I mean there are others with the same surname, but my comment just goes to the fact that his name and life's work was most appropriate. Most know the story of the Civil Rights Movement, in some form or fashion. Black folks got the right to vote, access to housing and public space, better schools...equality in all things civil, hence the term. However, the irony is that these Civil Rights had been assured long before-just never upheld and protected. So legislation was drafted atop legislation which had been drafted to, how shall I say, supersede the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. In other words, that which the Declaration, well, declared, had not been enough. That all men were created equal...the ideology of equality was compromised, ironically, it was a mere half-truth or more appropriately 3/5th of the truth-(insert laugh if you think appropriate.)

None-the-less, on the backs of ancestors much stronger than any men or women present today the African people in American survived...subsequently, now African-American people have a totally different comprehension of the freedom their fore mentioned ancestors prayed to attained. I assume each generation of people has a different viewpoint with regard to their respective history. It is drawn from their own experiences and the translation of the experiences of those that came before them. Today one of the biggest oppressors of African-American people is in some respects African-American people, themselves. But that is not the issue in this entry. Dr. King was hope. He was one man, who represented the thousands that moved a country into a new and unfamiliar stage of enlightenment. Dr. King was arguably the most powerful African-American man of his time...and of all time for that matter. In this, power is not relegated to economic or social status, but to the ability to evoke change and make folks who would otherwise ignore you-listen and possibly act. Since April 3rd, 1968 African-American people have sought out a new leader...the nation has sought out a person with as deep a concern for the kaleidoscope of humanity...yet found no one.

That was then...til now. It must be understood that there is no comparison to Dr. King. The man is often defined by the situation he finds himself within, and how he overcomes and achieves in spite of it. The situation presented to King was an America deep within the throes of segregation, discrimination and injustice. Against overwhelming odds, he became the face of a collective movement into a foreign territory-the dream of a truly shared reality where prejudice is lessened by identifying the "sameness" of humanity. We are one nation, one people...America. The nation was summarily moved...both literally and figuratively speaking. That was then...til now.

There is no measurement stick on how far we have come. There are many opinions; my own life a grand illustration of the possibilities of my generation-1st male to go to college in my immediate family, 1st male to graduate, 1st male to receive a Master's degree and continue...others have followed and will continue to. This was the dream of my grandfathers, and those before them...it is now reality. But simultaneously, there is a large number within the collective African-American community who are suffering from poverty, mis-education, self-hate, injustice and indifference. Theirs is a reality dark in comparison and thus the measuring stick of progress serves no purpose or rather it cannot be applied consistently. Still, the possibilities of my generation and this time period are tremendous. Some may argue the possibilities are perhaps more than King could have imagined? I mean when I have a child I can tell them that he or she, can be anything...anything they want to be. He or she could even be President of the United States. Right?

Jesse Jackson, Sr., who stood beside King when he was gunned down at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee, ran for President in 1984 and 1988. Although some argue it was more symbolic than substantive, it happened. For me as a child during the first campaign and a teen during the second, it was encouraging. I remember using his "Our Time Has Come" slogan in my campaign for class president in high school. Jesse did not receive the Democratic nomination and therefore did not win the election...but I did. His effort gave life to the work of King, regardless of the outcome of the actual election African-American people won something else during his presidential bid. It can be seen simply as relevance; it can arguably be seen as progress. The question then however, was could it be seen as realistic?

That was then...til now. It has been most recently stated that Illinois Senator Barak Obama is the first legitimate African-American candidate to seek the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. By legitimate, it is inferred that his possibility of winning is more probable than it has ever been for an African-American. I do not wish to debate that probability, or whether or not I feel he is ready; for this entry none of that even matters. The only point I am making, as I reflect on the dream of Dr. King, is the fact that this probability as it was so stated...is in fact the dream realized. It is in that probability, again whether big or small, that we are one step closer to whatever it is this country is destined to be. You see, it is not that African-Americans have never been capable of holding the highest office in the land...there are and have been some of the most capable human beings to ever exist within the African-American race. But it seems it was never probable.

The mere fact that the word probability has even been used still illustrates that there is a far way for this country to go to truly become a place where all men are regarded as equal. However, progress has been made. We, as a nation are moving. Despite all that is wrong with this country there is much that is right. Dr. King, and all the others who have lost their lives for their love of this nation have not died in vain. There is beauty here...I believe the future holds so much more. But alas, I too am a dreamer...for now. The Presidential election is in November of 2008...perhaps then, my dreams may begin to find realization.