inspired

I never knew exactly when I would know that writing was my only way out of the monotony of life. I just always thought, if I ever found there was nothing I could do...all else failed, well then I would sit and write the great American novel and be back in the world. Get a job, just writing. It was my essential fall back plan. Yup-no formal training or "by lines" to speak of, but if it all fell down I would toss in the chips and just make it as an author. That was plan B.

The problem is, plan A was never quite figured out. The bigger irony in all of this is that many would say that I am a planner. That my life has been well scripted and I am just fulfilling roles that I wrote long ago...I know this is not an original thought as I heard it in a movie once-but regardless, I am just living the screenplay I drafted college. That is what some may think. However, I am not. It may sound like it if I get into telling the story, but my history is not to be told in chronological order. No sir, it is for chapters, and cutouts and missing scenes. I am no this, then, that type of cat. But I digress.

Writing was or maybe is to be my ticket. Major hurdle in writing though is what are you even going to write about? I mean, it is easy to want to say something but realize that upon making the statement the world will view you differently. I have discussed that concept before, so no need to revisit but if you want to really get your message across to the masses...write it yourself. The world will hear you...or at least they will give you a multitude of opinions on what they heard.

But back to the great American novel...how does one begin? Did Henry David Thoreau know that Walden would be heralded as one of the great American novels? No-he just went to the woods and wrote...most probably thought he was weird but he just needed to think and be away from it all. Now his thoughts are treasured, by millions. In other words, there is no formula, you just let go and release the story that has survived within you for as long as you know. If people can relate, then you are on you way. Books transcend time because times change, but people do not. There are only so many human emotions and they do not mutate over time...humans are humans. Therefore, if you touch them in this day in age, you will touch them in the future and beyond.

So I have been inspired to write again...like every few months, and prayerfully I provide something worth reading. If not now, perhaps later. For someone. Regardless, it is a beginning to a story already begun.

Baby...

I have not written in over a month...busy with life and all the so-called essential things I guess, kinda put away the author. But right now, in this moment, 10-27-10, I had to put words down on this page-so they would be frozen in time and someday, years from now you will be able to read them. Maybe you will know from the first day you were recognized, a "yes +" on a small screen, that I already loved you, cared for you, looked forward to you being here. Hopefully, this space will not be the only place you ever recognize or know that, but regardless I needed to tell someone how amazing it is to feel how I feel right now. I am dreaming I think. Dreaming awake...and you are a reality of my dream but not so much that I am dreaming but just blessed, and overwhelmed by the blessing God has given Melissa and I...that blessing is you.

I am trying to think about the prayers that have created this moment. First all those for me to understand and be able to open myself up to true love. Then the prayers that cleared me of my single-sightedness and allowed me to find my wife...your mommy. Lastly, the prayers we both knelt down and asked of God that brought you into our spirit-which is where you dwell right now. I wonder what you will be like...how will you talk, if you will look like me or you Mom. All I really hope for is that you are healthy, 10 fingers and 10 toes and all the sensibilities God could offer. That is all that matters.

I want to be so much better than I am now. I do not think I am bad, I feel like I am doing well in the world...material success some may say. But that is not what I am talking about. I know God has provided us with the means to take care of our future, but by being better I want to be smarter about all my decisions. I am responsible for you and your mother. I take that role and responsibility seriously...more so even than my own existence, except that my existence is directly tied to your success and opportunity in this world and therefore the two are connected. I want to be a good man, friend, role model, confident, leader, teacher...father. Wow, father. I have never wanted to be anything so much, and want to do it so well. You inspire me, you may never truly realize how much.

I am very happy at this moment. My wife, she...well, she is my everything. She is half of my whole, my heart resides with her. You have been created in a most divine space. A space of pure love and everlasting emotion. All that has been a part of your creation has been beautiful. I love Melissa as I have never loved anyone, and it is in that deep sea of mutuality between two human beings, man and woman, that the seed of your life has been sown. You are a part of God's divine plan for our lives, and I thank him for you. You are the best thought I have ever had...best fear I have ever felt...best anxiety ever placed upon me...best love I have ever known.

I promise to be there for you, to take care of you, to love you and your mother, to provide for you both, and to never let you down. I accept you willingly and completely, and you are the most beautiful gift I could ever have been given. I can't wait to meet you. Daddy loves you very much my sweet, and I will see you soon.

Labor-less Day

We celebrate Labor Day today...but with the unemployment rates sky high and jobs exported faster than "made in China" is printed on all products at Wal-Mart, well, what is the celebration about? I mean I was happy to get off, but more than ecstatic to get back on Tuesday. The President is taking a whipping for the economy-job losses-and the like but he cannot do much about it. He is just one man and actually he cannot even pass legislation-that is Congress' job. The problem with some of our Congressmen is that they are more concerned with re-election than doing what is right...at least that is in my opinion.

A change in party wont change the rules of this game. If the corporations truly wield the power, and let's just call them Labor, which drives both the wages and use of the worker, than Labor day is no more than a day to celebrate the corporation and its inherent control over the people...or the workers of the world. Now before I begin to get off on a Marxist tangent, there has to be a relationship between business, government and the people in any society...most specifically one that is driven by capital. However, in this relationship here in America, the power is held by business-more or less regulated by government and the people, well, their say is limited to a representative who has nothing in common with the average man (woman). As stated the rules of the game have nothing to do with a party-they will exist regardless of what you name the factions folks fall into.

The major problem is that the people are ignorant-in part because they wish to be and in part because the system is so complicated that it cannot be explained in layman's terms, and thus, most being laymen, they will never know the true nature of the system we dwell within. Even as unemployment is discussed, the fact that many businesses have taken their manufacturing arm to foreign countries because of the cost of labor has not been discussed. People speak of it in an anecdotal way, but not with numbers and graphs and charts like they do everything else.

Then we have the Wal-Marts of the world...where Americans choose to buy their goods. Most of the merchandise is not created here in America-so the dollar goes to Wal-Mart then leaves the American economy almost in an instant...but the people cry for jobs and spend their unemployment compensation on goods made in China. Ignorance is always held as a negative term, and it incites anger. Shame that truth does not give rise to the same emotions, for if the truth is that the ignorance of America will lead to her demise then why are we lying to the people? Acting as if pouring money into Wall Street will save the guy on Main Street...Wall Street is concerned with capital, not humanity. Labor is pre-occupied with the same, yet we celebrate it as if the worker should lay praise to the machine.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was to make you think he did not exist.

Mac and Cheese

I am a big brother. Not literally-naw, I am a Big in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. My Little, as we call them, is my man. The other day on my b-day he gives me this home-made card and it says alot of deep stuff. Like no matter how many gifts you give me or where ever you take me, it all don't matter...not like I do not like those things but the real thing I enjoy is just spending time with you. He was like we got each other's backs, we just like mac and cheese. Word, that is what he said, we like mac and cheese. It was probably one of the most beautiful things that anyone has ever said to me.

It made me think about how I go about my life. I mean, I am trying desperately to be a good person, do the right thing all the time. I know that I make mistakes but I am trying. Still, it ain't always how you do things...it is the fact that you do it. In other words, here I am doing all these things with my Little, trying to plan the ultimate time and even not scooping him when I can't think of like the coolest outing...but all that doesn't matter. Just do what you can, and it i appreciated even more. Life is simple like that.

The whole mac and cheese comment, well it got me. I never would have used that term, but it is so fitting. It is like over time, we have kinda melted together and in the process of our relationship "baking" we have both come about with a better perspective on life...better taste for the future and more flavor within our own existence. Cheese is good, and macaroni is alright but together man they are fantastic.

You never know how you will affect people's lives, so you have to be thankful for the moments to do so and you must represent God in all your interactions. My Little, he represents the beauty that God has provided to us when we spend time with children. They see the world in a most unique, and new way. They are more optimistic, more forthcoming and most of all more loving than almost any adult I have ever met. See, they are not tainted, not yet, by life's disappointments. I mean, they see the good in you...even if you can't tell if it is there or not.

The funny thing is, I am supposed to be the mentor in this relationship, but I learn just as much from my Little as, well, as I hope he does from me. At the end of the day, it is all about love. I mean, it cost nothing to love and you really do not have to limit the amount of people that you allow yourself to love...there is no cap on it. Just have to be open to all that love, friendship and time can offer.

Though we started out in different spaces

I see traces of myself in his smile

for a while wondered if I was doing

this 'brother' thing right, being better than just

a buddy

spending money on movies, food and frolic

ironic, this kid a quick study

old soul in a child's frame

the fundamentals what young'un seeking

every time we connect

all he yearning for is teaching

our conversations benefit us both

see the joy in his greeting, no words can

relay

say we vibe like mac and cheese

stick tight like beans and rice

and we might end up being

friends longer than most others...

born in different spaces

still God placed us both as

brothers

copyright 2010

B-Day...the Thirty-somethin' Chronicles

So here it is, August 21st and the Lord has blessed me to get through another year of life. The thirties seem to be the most transitional period of any man and woman's lives, in that as young as you sometimes feel the full girth of your responsibilities become more than evident. In other words, you all grown up now. I have a wife, two homes, a dog, a Director position, and I am one of the anchors in my family. This is not tooting my horn, that does not need to happen, this is what is real when you accept all that you have been led and expected to do. It is not a game...but it is fun all the same.

My relationship with both family and friends is different now-I know there is both a role I play in others lives as well a position they hold in mine. My friends are all moving in a positive direction, even if that direction is just keeping their heads above water and trying to make it...it is positive. I have no time for the negativity the world tries to project on you-got to be beyond that. I can only spend time with those who move through their issues with determination and what I like to call "intestinal fortitude". At this age, there is no such thing as giving up or trying to just getting over on others, no sir. At this age it is about getting up, getting out and getting something...sounds like an old hip-hop song. But that is what it is.

I was just telling someone the other day, I never dreamed of being at this age-not when I was a kid or even more recently. But time passes, regardless of how you try to stay at the same spot in life...time, well it is in control. The major point in even making that statement though, about time, is that you have to do something with it. An example is a few years ago I ran into some overwhelming issues in grad school-and there was a point when I just wanted to quit. Yeah the big Q. But a good friend laid the realest statement on me I ever got- he was like the time gonna pass anyway. Whether it takes you 10 years or 2, the time is gonna pass-question is what you gonna do with it?

Say word. In all my years on this good ol' Earth, damn-am I making the best of my time? There has been plenty wasted, even doing wrong...but if there were lessons and laughs within that then I have to say it was still time well spent. However, at this point, when you are fully aware of where you want to go and all you wish to be (never stop wishing), then time is more of a commodity. No longer am I waiting for time to just pass...waiting for the weekend or the next holiday. Naw, each day, hour, minute...second, is precious in itself.

So all in all, birthdays are the best days. Just get to celebrate yourself, that fact that you exist...your life. Everyone around you, just happy that you are alive and that you have been a part in some minuscule way, of their life. How wonderful it is, to reflect on time and who with and how you have spent it. It is also a day to think about what you plan to do with the next year of your life. I mean, some people make New Year's resolutions, but I tend to make B-Day Resoul-lutions. Yeah, you can bite the style if you want. Just to me, the next year of my own life has more relevance than the calendar year. What do I want to accomplish in the next 365 of my own existence?

I will ponder on where I will be

when the time I find in front of me

is behind

and yesterday

is but a memory in my mind

a reflection of the discipline of hours

passed

and the questions asked of the future

on today

have been answered...

but alas,

I tend to dream during the day

while my night is the only time

I am sleeping

for time awake

is made to create

eyes wide open

for I am seeing all that

I am supposed to be far out in

front of me

reaching towards the stars

for their light heals scars and mistakes

pain and heartbreaks

meaning-

I illuminate the darkness

with statements and phrases

about God's amazing gift

to turn sinner to servant

heathen to healer

all revealed within the midst

of trials and tribulations of life...

I might save somebody's soul

when they hear tale of the rocky road

been traveled

dastardly deeds been done

see they ain't the only one

hopes unraveled

shame shown plain like the sun

yet still here

triumph over challenge

and

balance gained one...

day at a time

on this one day I am

inclined to celebrate

my own birth

allow my self-worth

to shimmer...

shine...

shadow-shatter the impossibilities

never

mine

copyright 2010