We sent my grandmother home today, Mary Louise Banks. She was 90 years old. She was my favorite person. She just, well, she put so much into me. So much life, and I tried to be a good grandson I really did. But, I always think of more I could of done; things I could have said; time I could have spent. I actually know there is no place for that right now...that guilt accompanies death like personal servant-attending to all its needs. I need not buy into guilt right now, but part of me wants to dwell in this sad place...the pain, the tears somehow bring me closer to her. I know this all sounds like nonsense but emotions have no basis in fact or reality. They are not bound to rules or parameters...emotions are free and whether you choose to submit to them or not, they are ever-present. On days such as this one, their power is overwhelming.
I cannot be sad but I cannot be happy either. My grandma is gone; outside this existence and entering into a new day. A day undefined by time, hours or minutes, and lasting infinitely.
No comments:
Post a Comment