Cold

At times I turn the heat down, to where it is warmer than the wintery outside but still cold. Initially I blamed it on the heating bill, which still bears most of the reason why, but in ways I liked to be a little chilly...to get under the covers in bed and have to rub against the sheets to get warm. Cold is such a negative term when applied to people. If a person is cold, then synonyms would be mean, callous, evil, un-feeling. But maybe at times we all are cold...or should be allowed to be. I am not talking about the way the words that often describe cold are used-but just not warm. Being alone, when the world wishes to embrace you, is cold or has been defined as such. Look at stars who dodge the media, atheletes who do not sign autographs for little kids, teachers who only talk to you during office hours or class...all cold. Maybe they just wanted to be alone on that day-the day they were then labeled as cold. For example, if you would like to be alone, if only for a moment, and someone asks you is that what you want or rather prefer and you say yes...well, that can be seen as cold. But, there are times when being alone is best...I don't know. It is obvious, not all questions can be answered by writing them out; the hypothetical remains...well, hypothetical.

But maybe I write it out in another manner-

cold
as if window left open on wintery morn
air in here is frigid
and the rationale not easy
to understand
nor explain
sometimes the weather changes abruptly
not necessarily anything
wrong
just the present climate
not suitable for the environment
so many toxics in the air
most invisible to the naked
eye
and I try to see it coming
prepare
but the temperature drops suddenly
and we no longer chilling
we are chilly
cold to one another
and though you may
leave for a warmer space
cannot wrap
a blanket round your emotions
hearts frozen
but pride will keep you outside
understanding
til your eyes well with ice
tears like crystal
fall...
shatter and break upon the ground
and we stand shivering
distant from one another
the winds of silence whipping
round
so cold

RushTaper Copyright 2007

Yesterday...that was

Ever thought about the phenomenon of yesterday...the past? Ever want to go back and do things over that you did already-like change the outcome of today by going back into yesterday and deleting some stuff...actions, words, decisions. Ever wish you had just spent more time with someone? Not really worried about what you had to do or where you had to be...just kinda let all else alone and enjoyed someone as if time did not matter. I am not talking about something 20 years ago, or when you were a child...more recently, like yesterday or perhaps the day before. Maybe go back as far as last year...what if you had done something different-how would you feel now? Could you imagine how different things could be...would it be better or simply the same? Does yesterday even matter...did it define today?

The realm of hypothetical questions could literally drive you insane but still I wonder, about yesterday. You see, when it is gone-be it opportunity or blessing-it is gone. Never to come again. I mean it may be in another form-your opportunity or blessing-but it will not be the same and the series of life events attached to it will also be different...the course has been altered...at least that is one theory. I lost a piece of me a few days ago...a major part of all that I am has passed on into another realm of existence-one I cannot fully comprehend yet I still believe in it. I carry with me now, memories of all that she was...my sweet Grandmother, but I ask myself why I did not see her before she passed. I could have, even took off work to do so but decided I had more time...but her time was not aligned with my own and now...well, if only I could go back to yesterday.

Still, nothing would truly change...I may feel less guilty, but my final image would be unlike that which I carry at present so selfishly I treasure all that I see when I close my eyes. My image is absent the hospital, the pain and the suffering-the tubes and smells and my own helplessness. In that I am at peace. Still, I know from this point forward I must try to deal with all that GOD has and will place in my life-presently. There is no tomorrow, no time to get it right later. All you truly have is this moment, that is all that is assured you. So do not waste it. I miss my Grandmother already-I am hopeful that she and my Grandfather have reunited and he has escorted into her place in Heaven. I know how she missed him. It seems like only yesterday I was a little child on the farm with them...I am glad for the times my parents made me go see them, for the times they dropped me off for weeks in the summer, for the Sunday dinners my Grandma cooked...for all the yesterdays I shared with them. I will take her spirit with me into tomorrow and pray to do better, be better, live better.