Do you even write anymore...?

I said to myself...
Writing has seemed so distant.
Like a club I used to frequent when I was a single man.  Lots of time on my hands.
Kept the hands busy with the crafting of sentences and the development of thoughts on paper.
Do I even write...anymore?
Not as much as I used to but the truth be told not at all.
I take no time for mental exercise in the way in which, well it was.
Maybe that is why I do not write anymore-
Everything I am dying to say to already been said a thousand times over.
Who am I but a small voice in a crowd of spectators.
Trying to make sense of it,  prior to making my thoughts immortal.
Now it seems my passion near extinct...a paragraph sighting a year ago.
Maybe two.
Used to wear words like new clothes, poetry was my garment of choice.
An artist muse...married to the rhythm of stanzas in iambic pentameter.
Presently, divorced and not dating too often.
Gave my gifts to the good will.
When will good come of the abundance of vocabulary hidden away in my bosom?  
I am a memory...of sun-drenched circles saturated with soulful sounds,
brown hands clapping while a serenade of rhyme and meter passes amongst friends.
Cyphers from dusk to dawn.
That time some time before when
I used to write...so why do I not
Anymore?

Genius...

They say he was a genius; least that is what one person-who barely knew the "terrorist" that stormed into an elementary school just the other day and opened fire-called him.  He was a normal kid.  Withdrawn.  I say, even though no one has asked, how dare anyone label him anything other than a "terrorist".  He is no genius.  I do not wish to hear about his mental problems or his social inadequacy.  It means nothing.  Not how nice his mother was, or how she always spoke to her neighbors.  That does not matter at this point.  You cannot blame the dead for the sins of their children-but something was wrong here...something was not right and in time it may come to light.  Something that triggered this rampage.  But something that was known.

But what could have been known, at a time before has no relevance now.  He was and in our history will always be a "terrorist".  Worse even than Al Qaeda, in that he took away our freedom.  Not an attack on the principles of our nation.  Not a planned confrontation by a radical leader on the integrity of our political and financial systems.  There is pain in 9/11.  Pain that will never heal.  But we sent our soldiers abroad to seek, fight, find and assassinate the mastermind behind the plot.  Bin Laden is dead.  America felt a bit safer.  Until the terrorist from within robbed us of any peace we may ever feel.

We were not looking for him...did not suspect him at all.  He walked among us; the awkward guy in the back row of class.  He is now present in our minds.  A nightmare in the midst of our dreams.  He stole our most precious gifts...and left nothing.  At Christmas.

Our children are the most prized possession in our country.  They are our future, our present, our joy.  You cannot help but smile when you look at them, hear them laugh, talk to them...children are a gift from God.  There is nothing bad in a child.  Sure, they may act out at times...talk back, and even yell and scream but they are good.  They are like sunshine-nourishing the entirety of the world around them.  We love them, teach them, guide them, nurture them but most of all we protect them.  Everyone, regardless of race, color, creed or religion should protect the children.  But at this moment...this precious moment, how do we accomplish what is unquestionably our most important task?

He took our ability.  We are handicapped by a fear that we cannot even put into words.  Weakened by a sense of helplessness that now plagues our society.  I am scared.  There is no relief to this fear.  Many will call on faith, others on processes and systems to prevent future events...but the fact is the damage has been done.  We will never be the same.  Terrorism is not often defined simply by the act, but the effects of the act on the human being...the human mind, for the future.  How many parents will ever feel safe, dropping their kids off at school again?

He took away our sunshine.  He is no genius.  No misunderstood boy, or man.  He was, is and will always be a "terrorist".  I will not praise or endorse any semblance of compassion for this person.  We are broken by this event.  A nation that prides itself on self-defense, and military might, has been crippled by a terrorist of our own making...able to wield weapons found in the hands of our military-who defend the nation-legally.  Right to bear arms?  However, this terrorist used these weapons on our babies.  He took our future and bludgeoned it.  It is no longer recognizable.  Tomorrow is a foreign concept.

I do not care to know who he was.  I do not care how he felt.  I care to know the teachers, the principal and the children...what were their dreams?  What did they eat for breakfast?  Who was their best friend?  I do not want to know anything about his family, his past, his issues.  He doesn't matter anymore.  Just simply call him what he is.  A terrorist.  He took away our sunshine...and there are nothing but dark days ahead.

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are gray...
You don't know just how much
I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine...
away

It all changed in an instant
and in an instant we will never be the same
a nation wears pain at half-mast
on this day and many more
on bended knee millions ask
what was this for?
why...sounds so hollow when no answers
follow
no understanding found for all that is seen
at the scene
is...loss
beginnings broken into
26 pieces...
tiny pieces scattered across the room like
toys after morning play
no little ones to put them away
they are all sleeping
to awake no more
and today there is rain from a cloudless sky
for each life a thousand tears will fall
preparing the earth to receive
her children
she wraps them in a deep sadness
and whispers to the moon to hide the sun
if only for a moment
and there is silence amongst the people
their joy eclipsed by the darkness
of the present
why...sounds so distant when the light
is non-existent
questions fill the air,
forgiveness is buried with the young
eyes water as the thought of tomorrow
comes
close your eyes...
and try remembering the sun
close your eyes
remembering
the sun

You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine

You make me happy 

when skies are gray...

You don't know just how much

I love you

Please don't take

My sunshine...

away

Midwest Spit

So I found myself in Kansas City for a few days this week-on business. But when I am blessed with the ability to travel to a new city I always try to check out the poetry scene. So I fell into this little spot in the 18th and Vine District. It used to be a jazz area, with likes of Byrd and Basie on the scene, so the energy was good. Spot was called the Blue Room-I entered about 9:30pm.

Now I don't know when the set began, but I just checked in with host- when he said the last poet was up and asked could I spit. His exact words were "No problem brother-what's your name?"

Word? Now I been to a many poetry set, and I ain't never received that type of instant love. So, after about fifteen minutes in the spot I closed up the open mic-word. I dropped a classic, Why You Wanna...and I think I repped DC fairly well. Funny, I ain't been on the mic in the District in years-but regardless got love in KC.

Just so cool to travel, and vibe with folks on the artistic tip. Good times. So now I am on a plane on my way back to the East Coast, frustrated with some delays of the day but my headphones are blaring that new Nas, Life is Good, and the memory of the other night leaking out my fingertips-must admit I am cool. Just feeling okay about my space in the universe you know. Honestly, with that energy in my spirit, gotta let it flow...

Like above and beyond
The level I am on
Spiritual plane fly over
Negative things
I reign...king of my situation
Peasant to pleasantries
Not dominated by past mistakes
I have made
My way paved by bearers of
My name
A reflection of he who has seen
Many things
I dress in various shades of gray
Suited for all that may come
Numb to my own indecision
Learn to listen more than
Speak
To some the changes in my person
A reason to question
Me...
Burdened by less than most
Yet still in possession of pain
Thus,
I refrain from allowing the ignorance
Of acts committed yesterday
To limit my progression
Potential
Infinite-outside space and time
The Wisdom
I seek, simply trying to become
Better than he who stares back in the mirror
So I outline my hopes and dreams
In poetic verses over imaginary beats
And proclaim to be MC
Manifesting creativity as I magnify my culture
Mending community to mobilize the collective
A soldier, with more faith than fortune
Methodically committed to the movement of chains from mental
Of all within striking distance
it is essential that I remain
Stay
Majestically cultivated...mellow cool
I be
Momentarily canonized in rhyme and meter
Message caretaker for the sake of memory classification
Place my words amongst your dreams
Move crowds with the melodic cadence of consonants and vowels
See above and beyond all else
I master ceremonies when present
Microphone captivator
Massaging the consciousness of the people
MC...

Copyright 2012

I'll Fly Away...

We sent my grandmother home today, Mary Louise Banks.  She was 90 years old.  She was my favorite person.  She just, well, she put so much into me.  So much life, and I tried to be a good grandson I really did.  But, I always think of more I could of done; things I could have said; time I could have spent.  I actually know there is no place for that right now...that guilt accompanies death like personal servant-attending to all its needs.  I need not buy into guilt right now, but part of me wants to dwell in this sad place...the pain, the tears somehow bring me closer to her.  I know this all sounds like nonsense but emotions have no basis in fact or reality.  They are not bound to rules or parameters...emotions are free and whether you choose to submit to them or not, they are ever-present.  On days such as this one, their power is overwhelming.

I cannot be sad but I cannot be happy either.  My grandma is gone; outside this existence and entering into a new day.  A day undefined by time, hours or minutes, and lasting infinitely.

Extended

I was in a training class today-actually an executive leadership class and the coach asked everyone how they were feeling at the end of it.  People went about the normal list of terms-"motivated", "present", "engaged"...yada, yada, yada.  I mean I am usually on that train as well, but today, well just in general lately I have felt particularly extended.  Almost like Mr. Fantastic.  Not familiar with the Fantastic Four?  Well, Mr. Fantastic the self-appointed leader of the four, was basically an elastic man-whose limbs could stretch hundreds of feet.  In every one of their adventures it would somehow be necessary for him to stretch to the maximum of his body limit to stop a train, or save a helpless citizen.  Afterwards however, he would be stretched out (literally) and weak.  Extended.

I just think I have so much happening that the thing I really need to take care of-my dissertation proposal, is the last piece of work that I have touched.  I sit here now and write a blog when I could be taking a few minutes to do something toward it.  But I always say tomorrow.  Tomorrow, tomorrow, I will do no more tomorrow but it make me feel okay about today...Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow...yeah, you get it right.  I am succumbing to what many have called self-sabotage.  I must fight my way out of my way...or I am destined to not quite get this right.

Still, regardless of what I have to do-I feel drained.  Like no matter how much work I put in, there is only more work as the prize.  It is like being inside a box and working diligently to break out of that box, and you bust through and find-you are still in another box.  So you begin to work on busting out of that and you finally make it and...another box.  No light just tunnel.  It can be discouraging...and at times can move you into the space of nothingness.  What is nothingness?  Well, it is when you do nothing, say nothing, feel nothing and have nothing to look forward to. Got to, for me to be successful, make something out of nothing.

Standing in the Gap

So I am a big brother.  Not literally, but a Big in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program.  I have been in the program for, well, about 5 years.  My little is a good kid, but just hit 13 and well I think change is in our midst.  Not change for the worse, but just teenage change and my role has to change as well.  I don't ever mean to say I would try to be anyone's father-I have a son-but I need to be more involved.  He is a young African American male, growing up in one of the toughest neighborhoods in DC, toughest in the country for that matter...and he is very much a boy.  A good boy.  The kind that the streets love to devour, detour, disintegrate...destroy.  I cannot say I will not let that happen-what will happen will happen.  But I must do my part to not allow it to happen.

Life is full of responsibilities-some you take on willing and others that just stand in front of you asking to be acquired.  I am not one to run from responsibility.  I feel that not only do I have a responsibility to every little boy, especially little African American boys, but most specifically to my little brother.  I have known him since he was 8 years old.  I remember meeting him at the Big Brothers/Sisters Office.  He was with his mom and grandma.  They had to check me out and ask some questions-then I met him.  Skinny little kid with a big head-he would be so mad if he read that.  Big ol' eyes just taking me in.  He will never know I was actually scared to meet him too.  I had been trying to get into the program for a while, but at first I could not get in contact with the right office, then they lost my fingerprints, then I got busy and just did not respond to calls...and finally, he and I sit across from one another.

I couldn't really say exactly why it was so important for me to be in the program.  I guess it is that I have a great dad, and I knew both my grandfathers and spent an enormous amount of time with them.  I am who I am because of the men in my life.  I just felt I needed to be appreciative of the love that was given to me and not take that blessing for granted...and just try to give back a bit, if I could.  Maybe I could help at least one little guy.  Maybe.

The time has just passed by, and we have spent some great times together.  I love this kid, sincerely, and I want the best for him.  Young people are the only hope our future has, and they are beautiful...every one of them.  It is just that some of the challenges they face are unfair, unjust and simply unequal.  But that is the situation they have been placed in.  The cards they have been dealt.  People like me, and maybe you if your are reading this, are their only hope at times.  That is just how it has been laid out.  The cards that we have been dealt.

I am not trying to save the world, not all of it at once LOL.  But I do want to make a difference.  I have to do the right thing.  It is necessary for my own survival.  It is just how I am wired.  I am not saying all this to paint some perfect picture of myself-not at all.  Every man has their vices, issues, demons to be exorcised.   But in my heart, I truly live to help people.  Young people are so amazing to me.  Their energy, ingenuity and naivety all rolled up into one is something that can fade over time-which is in part good but more so bad.  Their eyes full of so much passion and confidence...as if nothing could ever shift them from their dreams and vision of the world.  We must support that belief in the impossible...enforce imagination and sponsor dreams, as much as we can.  If we do not, then...well, they become lifeless souls who exist for material gain and individual pleasure-and do not understand that each person has been placed here with a purpose...beyond him or herself.  A purpose for humanity, that they must fulfill.

Regardless, I need to just be a better friend to my little right now.  He is going through some things, growing pains, that can cause a young man to lose his focus.  It is a precious time, and without significant "positive" role models than others will be found, and they may not have his best interest at heart.  I, for the moment, am still cool to him.  I have to capitalize on that-while it lasts.  I will pray that God watches over him, and affords me the time to invest a bit more into him as well.  Together, I pray we can help influence his life.  We all must stand in the gap for folks at some point, because if you truly analyze your own journey you will know that many others stood in the gap for you.  Give back...and receive life.

Not of blood relation but we still
kin-folk
Been told stories of my granddaddy's peoples
that was separated and sold
so we don't know if we really distant
cousins
doesn't matter be my
brother
regardless
and I will come when he call
lift him if he fall
stand beside in trouble
and applaud in triumph
for his victory is my own
and we have grown in our short
time together
yet a relationship not measured
by hours and seconds
but the investment in one another
the intangibles gained
frame the picture round our existence
and bear witness,
I will be here when the losses outweigh the wins
the good deeds overshadowed
by sins
and the world casts doubt on your very name
I promise to be the same
solid
situated differently than all others
simply put
Your brother...

Copyright 12

Pressure Bursts Pipes

So this life thing, well, is not a straight path to the next stage.  The road is filled with potholes and detours,  curves and round-abouts.  Life.  It is as if as soon as you think you have some things figured out, or it is all going, well, well...it happens.  Not any it in particular, just it.  It is not defined by any specific terms, other than "it" is unexpected and unnecessary and at times uncheap-or rather it is expensive.  This is the life game.  Unpredictable.

It happened to me today.  I was already in it, like this situation with my house.  So here is the breakdown: I am outside messing with my dog, come in the house and hear water dripping...really running as if the faucet is on.  So I go into the half bath and there it is.  Water is busting through one of the walls!  WTyou know the rest!  So I yell to my wife, who at this point I know is in the shower-not that I know know but the water-I know.  So I am like-BABE, GET OUT THE SHOWER!  She is like what?  You gonna wake the baby...long story short, pipe burst over the bathroom ceiling-which was the drain pipe for the upstairs bath and all kinds of goodness just bust through the wall.  Today the plumber basically "tore up" the bathroom to fix the pipe...and there are big sanitary dryers all over the house.  That is the setting for "it" to happen again.  

Not another pipe, but after I stay off work to deal with the gifts from years past that poured out of aforementioned pipe, I was rushing to work.  Now, the whole rushing to work when you are about 4 hours beyond your start time is an oxymoron.  Yeah, so me, the oxymoron himself is "rushing" to work like Brandon Jacobs through the Patriots front four...I don't even like the Giants but that was my Sportscenter moment.  In the rush, I hit a red light, stop, light turns green, go-damn.  Car in front of me, well...yeah.  So I hit it.  

I am dead wrong so I handle the fender bender-literally-like a man and take care of almost everything on the spot.  But my energy is off.  Not only has my house been jacked for days, which has the wife and little one off a bit, I been showering at our neighbors house, my money could always be better and tadow...banged out the whip.  So, with the job on my neck, home out of order and now this...my own pipes on the verge.  So I write.  I mean, there are plenty of folks in a lot worse situation than me...but I always have this to say about that-this is my situation.  Let me break this theory down.

Everytime you are going through something, anything, and you maybe reveal that to someone else he or she always says-well, you know it could be worse or there are other people worse off than you.  I usually reply with something like "yeah, that is right".  Most often because I feel obligated, at that moment, to act is if I give a flying fig about this other, imaginary person that I do not know, about their potential misfortune that when compared to mine is "worse."  So, I say all of that-in a run-on sentence at that-to simply say-why the hell do people say that?  I mean we all know that it could be worse, but I said that this time when the wall burst with water from five years ago spilling out on the floor-"could be worse" I said.  Today...it is. 

I am not saying I do not feel other folks issues, or that it always goes from bad to terrible-only once in a while.  But at the same time, your issue is your issue.  No matter what happens to Tom, Dick and Harry what matters is what happens to you.  How you feel is important-no bump that-how you feel is really all that matters at least sometimes.  So if it is all jacked up, and your day totally sucks-you should not have to try and imagine someone else's misery to feel better.  Just go ahead and get your "feel bad" on.  Let it go.  Cry.  Fuss someone out.  Go to the park and yell.  Write...an angry blog entry.  I don't know, but don't be made to feel bad about feeling bad.  You have to understand feeling bad to recognize when it is really starting to feel good.  If all that pressure is allowed to build up-and even at its pinnacle someone tells you to get over it or think about the guy who doesn't have whatever-they may get the business.  So, to corral those emotions allow yourself to feel, heal, and release.  It may not be that deep tomorrow, but today.  Yeah, be easy.

Mine

is not your issue 

and although 

you may have one 

close to the same

it ain't 

how I feel is real

to me 

so before you 

begin

refrain

from saying things

like it could be worse

or look on the bright side

I might

one day...

maybe even tomorrow 

reassess my 

situation 

but at present

my patience has left the 

building

and perhaps you 

should follow suit 

it's not that this is 

a pity party 

but if so 

what is it to you?

the table is set for

one

no need for opinions

motivational speeches

or sermonettes 

just let me have my moment

in time I may forget 

but that time is not right this 

second

I want to wallow in this a while

ignore my cell phone ringing

delete all text upon receipt

cut someone off while driving

give 'em the bird if they beep

I am just all in my feelings

and regardless if 

you have been down this path 

before

I don't want to hear your story

I will Helen Keller you

can't hear you and can't see you

nothing you can do

except, well...shut the hell up

and leave me to my misery

I will get back at you when I am 

up

until then...

down is where I 

be

copyright 2012

Iron sharpens iron

Proverbs 27:17 states "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."  I have often used this statement but living it, truly, has been something that I have only done on occasion.  I mean I feel like many of my friends are exactly that for me...iron.  We rap, discuss, debate, argue, celebrate and even admire the growth and progress of one another.  But that was just my friends...I never really interacted on a regular basis with folks in my professional space that well, could sharpen me.  Most recently I have been in this leadership program and for the first time in a long time, I feel different about the work we are doing.  My colleagues and I, all from the same government agency and kind of at the middle management level, are in the program together and I must say...it has really inspired me.

The funny thing about inspiration, is often you want to be inspired but nothing has happened to bring about that emotion.  In other words, inspiration is always on the cusp of occurring, at least for some...it just needs the moment to be called forth.  So, in that vain, being in class with a group of people that kind of see the world differently and also feel that they can evoke change in a major government institution-well, it is inspiring.  Still, inspiration is just the catalyst for any substantial change you are willing to "work" to make.  I say it like that because if there is no work, there is no change.  Inspiration in that way, is a good hymnal on Sunday morning, but no sermon.

So, the leadership team has been inspired, even challenged, to bring about change in our organization.  Now, change is one of those words that at times is used as a noun-like it is this thing...but change in my opinion should always be a verb.  A verb means there is action behind the word-it is not stationary or static.  It is moving, growing, developing...changing.  The folks that I am in the group with, they want to be that.  It is crazy, I mean I may be one of the youngest folks there but age does not matter-or it doesn't have to-if you are passionate about making an impact.  I have been to alot of trainings and getting hype on what is "possible" has occurred before-but as stated earlier not with people in my same lane.  I want that to matter...so, it does.

It is essential, even beyond this leadership moment I feel like I am having right now, to continue to ebb and flow with folks who are eagles.  Eagles look to soar, high above all else and find their nesting place in the sky.  I want to soar...never touch the earth you know.  High above all the issues that can remove you from your purpose.  But, it is very hard to do when all around you is unlike you.  You find yourself misaligned.  It is a shame that there are times when it seems that more folks would be happier if you were to fail than succeed, but that is the reality for many people.  I realized early in life that I was not to be, well, what the youth of today call a "hater".  Why?  I mean, I have been envious of others many times-and even had to stop myself from "questioning" others' success.  I understand that as a human, emotions at times rise within us...but for it to get to the level of hating, well that is more than I am comfortable with.

If you keep strong folks around you, you are stronger.  I gain energy off of positive people in motion.  The blessing is that God has always placed these types of people in my path.  This iron, that only he knew was necessary for me to ascend and do the work he would have me do.  So in turn, I try to pay it forward, and be that piece of iron for others around me.  Look at them and see beyond the now and into the what is supposed to be.  I realize that encouragement and motivation are free.  So I provide them willingly.  Never know what a powerful message a bit of encouragement can be to someone-regardless of his or her situation or social status.

We all need to evaluate ourselves at times.  Make sure that we are progressing at a speed relative to those we find commonality with.  In other words, life is not a race, nor a competition, but it is a path that we all have to travel, that is best endured with company.  Company should not weigh you or slow you down, but assist and speed you up...at least keep pace.  Iron.  The people around you should make you want to be better, and you should return the favor.  It only makes sense...you are the company you keep.  Iron.

 

Renewed

So it was just a regular Monday...but you know Mondays sometimes make me feel like starting over.  You know, it is the beginning of the week so I always use Mondays to initiate change in my life.  So, I can't really say I went to work and "worked"  it out, but when I got home I figured I would definitely spend some time on me.  I got a few irons in the fire so to speak, so may as well make the hours I have free work for me.

So with that, I sent a draft of my dissertation proposal to my advisor-something better than nothing right?  I know this is a long road, but if you don't step on the path than you will never make it down the road...so, on the road again so to speak.  I mean, this dissertation has been my arch nemesis-me against the man in the mirror.  It seems that the biggest competitor to my success, at least in this venture, is me.  Ever felt like that?  You keep getting in your own way.  I really think that is why most folks are just average-cuz average is sooooooo easy.  We all have so much potential...but you know the one thing I remember from science is the difference between potential energy and kinetic energy-potential energy is energy at rest and kinetic energy is energy in motion.

To hell with potential.  I need to be kinetic.  Moving.  Faster than the cat sitting on their keister. Moving, forward.  Even if it is just baby steps, it is better than standing still.  So I say all that to say that on today I at least made forward progress in removing the biggest bear off my back that I have ever known.  The dissertation.  Pray that a brother can maintain some sense of discipline to complete this.  I mean I can't quit, quitting is not for me.  That's not me, that's not me.  Plus, how could I tell my little man that Daddy could't finish something.  Naw...so again pray for a brother.  I appreciate it-smile.

Monday.  The almost official first day of the week.  I mean some give that credit to Sunday, but Sunday is the weekend so for me, yeah Monday is the beginning.  Change up the energy.  But right now it is Tuesday...got to keep up the momentum and stay, well, kinetic with it.  Got to keep moving forward.

My gramps used to always say
I can't change what I did yesterday
past has passed
all I ask is for God to wake me on
tomorrow
bound to do better
long as sidestep sorrow
and carry an umbrella...
in other words always prepare for
the worse
rain on a cloudless day
don't allow that which you cannot change
to change the way
you view your circumstances
chances are your situation
not as dramatic
as you would make it seem
perhaps you simply acting out
a storyline when
you need only re-write the script
rearrange the scene
see beyond where you have been
and above your present state
look closely at those whom you keep
close
scale back
could be too much weight you carrying...
people and particular things
doubts, fears, insecurities
the intangibles remain
tend to cling to you for years
whether wanted or wanting to wish
all your issues away
you have the will...potential
energy as sometimes described
kinetic in your progression
lesson is you are what you believe yourself
to be
the renewal of your dreams
awakens reality
the renewal of your dreams
awakens your true
reality

copyright 2012

Iced out...

Brrrrr...that is sound of the man, walking in the ice-laaaaand, that is the sound of the man, walking on the "iced" land.  Corny, I know-but winter has officially shown its face.  I mean it ain't vicious outside, but there is ice all over the ground, and the roads are slippery.  On days like this, an SUV is not a saving grace.  What you should really do, is keep you butt inside-that is what you should do but folks have a need to get out.  Like a few hours with just your kids, or you lady or even your parents and that old cabin fever sits in.

I don't seem to have that problem.  I remember the awesome blizzard of 2010, and me and wifey were in the crib for days...literally, 4 or 5 days straight and it was fun.  We were productive, and really enjoyed each other.  So today, well it will be no different.  Might not take the munchkin out in the element, but as stated be hold up in the house is fine by me.  The weather, when it closes you to the outside then brings the inside out.  ***Special News Bulletin***I am about to get deep.  Ha, I be killing myself-but anyway. What I mean is when you are forced, by nature to stay inside your house because of what is going on outside, then you have to focus on what is inside of you...and then, at least for me, attempt to bring that which is inside of you out.

This is the foundation of my logic, "that when outside forces you in, the inside comes out".  I feel I am a creative being, so when I am in the house and have "time"...precious precious time-then I can find that creative space.  Even if it is only a few minutes, and produce something or at least think about producing something...whether it be a poem, a song, a blog entry...time and space.  Inside out.  The beauty of taking what the day gives you and giving something back to the day.

I do feel a bit saddened though by the icy elements around us.  Well, we were supposed to go to one of my little cousin's b-day parties at the skating rink...how ironic, skating.  But it was roller skating, still funny in almost analogous way.  But it was cancelled.  The family was still hooking up, but the LO has a bit of the sniffles so we decided to lock it down inside.  It is never a bad idea to stay in though, because ice is the whackest.  I mean it may be the worst weather element I can think of.  Pause.  I am thinking.

I am back...yeah, think it ranks as whackadocious.  I say that because rain washes and rejuvenates the earth.  Sunshine days, well enough said.  Even when it is cold.  Snow filters and purifies the air-least I heard that somewhere before and it sounds...well, like what snow looks like it should do.  Storms and hurricanes are not cool either, but they come with rain and of times are to clear the earth and again restore growth in the devastation.  Arguably.  But ice.  It is cold, slippery, nasty when it melts a bit, dangerous and just unpleasant.  You can fall, wreck, and/or just get jacked up...for no reason.

So, for me and mine-ice is better served in tea.  But when we get the ol' wintery mix going good, I lock it up and chill...literally, inside.  Maybe I will do a little writing.  LOL

Ball So Hard...(broke man's version)

Ball so hard
bill collector's can't find me
but they still might fine me
late fees and penalties for all the
things
I been charging
Ball so hard
overdrafting debit cards
living so large and fronting like
I'm supposed to be
buying tables
bottles of Spades
making it rain off
minimum wage
Ball so hard
that's just crazy
that's just crazy
that's just...
Ball so hard
my rent never timely
one day might find me
on the street
with all my things
still flossing like ain't nothing
changed
Ball so hard
next check I see
bet I be
in the mall blowing it all
expensive sneaks never see the gym floor
ain't they Concords 
these old things
                        but of course
act like you had a pair
of Jordan's before
Ball so hard
that's just crazy
that's just crazy
that's just...
crazy?
yeah...word

copyright 2012

Captain Crunch and the boy...

So mommy is out, and it is me and the LO...little one.  Just had to walk through a bowl of Captain Crunch on some 'before dinner snack' and me the boy are chilling for the moment, this is really Daddy's time anyway.  I am saying, I don't know about any other "pops" out there, but when I get off work I take on my most pleasurable job of the day-spending time with Cam.  Guess you could say I have the evening shift, not to be confused with the night shift-wifey got all that LOL.  But seriously, it is real amazing to even have a kid, so I try to make sure we get it in for a few hours a day-usually when he wakes up and I am getting ready for work, the boys "hang out."  He is in the bathroom during shower and shave-in his little chair, in the guest room for ironing and getting dressed, and in my arms for feeding the dog.  And every night, I would say 90% of the nights since he has been alive, I put him to bed.  Yeah, bedtime-that is like my thing.

I used to call it the principle of four B's-bath, book, bottle and bed.  Worked like a charm like the first few weeks of life.  Now, well-it is more like 3 B's.  The book has taken an L, and we read or try to read at other intervals but at the moment bath, bottle and bed is our routine.  So, that being stated, it seems we are near the time when we shut it down.  I am telling you, schedules are beginning to be how to run my life.  7:30pm is usually his bath time, and it all just rolls after that...so in a second I got to clock in.

But regardless of all that, this fatherhood thing is a serious deal.  I look at this little dude, and I am truly blown that all the good in me found its way into another human being.  I will desperately not try to pass on the stuff that is in the realm of "not so" positive, but you never know what traits may befall the genes.  I just will make an effort not to be all obvious about them.  It is crazy though, I straight up changed my life after this cat came on the scene-but not intentionally.  Like I did not have to make an effort to chug less beer, or not hang out on Friday, or stop listening to explicit hip hop...naw, I still listen to all hip hop-got Kanye on right now as I drop thoughts on here-LOL.  Good thing he can't understand the lyrics yet...don't judge me every man has their vice.

But I digress, like I was saying life just changed...no real conversation with self or breaking of habits, kinda just happened.  I feel like that is what is supposed to go on, I mean there is nothing more important than family...period.  Cam is my heart.  I do however understand that the family begins and ends with me and the Mrs., that is not a question to me.  But my little guy, I just am overwhelmed by his existence.  I am not always like all over him, he is a boy and I am building a man.  So, I got make sure he is tough, but loving.  But there are times when I just stare at him...or he touches my face (that is his new thing this week) and I just live in that moment.  Me and my son.  Crazy.

it is like I am staring at a piece
of my being
seeing me outside myself
inside can't help but feel the emotion
building...
filling up all of me
he is so full of life
like the world past our
doorsill will not harm or hurt
like everything alright
and I assume it is
no care has he nor I
for I care for he as I never knew I
could
or even possibly
this could be me
a father
he is mine...my
son
shine
as if God's light in his
smile
while all I knew was I was falling
in love with this woman
but who knew through that
fall all this would come to
be
new life
not known to us
but given so we
could live
differently...
she and I plus
him
like a piece of me I am holding
in my arms
beside myself
as if my blessings multiplied
times two
thank you
Lord
for ignoring my shortcomings
and selecting me
to aid in the raising
of this child
he is yours...your
son
shine
as if my grandfather's spirit in his
eyes
bright, gazing towards tomorrow
future wrapped in the hopes and dreams
of ancestors
sewn into memory
by tales tailored on the laps of loved ones
longing to stitch
the history of our people within the fabric
of his being
he is a new perspective
a framework from which to erect a more
meaningful existence
and my value has increased
worth more heavily weighted
as if a piece of me will never die
as long as he lives
I live better
because he is...
here
like purpose to life
light to morning
my son
shine

copyright 2012