Trial

You think you know, but you have no idea...none, what so ever. What am I talking about, well simply trials. People often accompany them with tribulation, but let us look closely at the trial itself. It is the test, the period where you or rather all that you may think you are is questioned-your ability, your honesty, integrity...faith. Questioned...even perhaps by you before the trial is over. It is within this period that you will see how "strong" you are; if you are able to come through a trial successfully. Pass the test. The piece that we do not often understand is that in order to pass the test, overcome the trial, often one must fail.

It is always there, failure-on the flip side of every coin is the loser...the unlucky, the hapless chap, the failure. It can become a constant state of being, failure, if one never successfully comes through the trial. Therefore, at the onset the trial must never become you-never exist as you do, in real time and awake daily. No, you need to become bigger than the setback...larger than the experience. It is in this redefinition of self, this evolution of one's being to a greater level that you can overcome any setback, tribulation...trial. Life offers what some have defined as character-making moments, and it is in these moments that the person that you are and will be is truly born.

I have been tried...not by a jury of my peers
but by my fears, my pain, my loss of all
that I have attained
and yet I remain
standing...face red with cheeks tear-stained
yet I stand still
in plain view is one who has overcome
under-achieved yet believed
in the possibility of self
numb to yesterday's failures
pity does not help put food on the table
and a man that is able
need not beg God to provide
God has provided
for he who is alive
with the ability to remedy wrongs committed
from sin may be acquitted
released from trial free man
when one understands that both sin and trial
part of the divine plan
goal is to sin less
not be sinless for since this
life thing began
test have existed
and though man resisted
temptation...
foolishness is patient
waiting for the opportunity to feed
the ego with control-
when nothing truly within
the control of God's most precious
creation
the statement reigns so realistic
man as God's creation controls nothing
not even himself
mere possession of the Almighty
yet when one's arrogance outweighs
his dedication
the scale must be balanced
tribulation
and trial will befall where foolishness had been entertained...
the apple always tastes the same
shame...for just a while...
sunshine awaits on the other side
of
the
trial...

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Trippin

Hello world...it has been somewhat of a hiatus that I have taken, seriously...I have not posted anything in nearly a month. I have been busy, but that is no excuse. Life is funny you know, last week I was given the opportunity to go to Puerto Rico for my gig. It was truly some last minute "what can you do?" type stuff, but I said "yeah, anything for the team." That was the funny part, but regardless PR was cool. Beautiful people, weather, history and culture. It was a good getaway, considering other things in my life are not so...well, beautiful. God has a way of balancing out things for us all, and I truly feel he gave me access to that trip to take me out of the downward spiral I had mentally began to go on. The only thing about escaping for a minute, is the return...you have to return right? Reality. Soul to Soul used to have this song-Back to Life, back to reality, back to the here and now and then...when I landed at the airport, that song began playing in my head.

It was 33 degrees when I stepped off the plane-it had been at least 83 there when I left. Reality is cold. But seriously, I was ready to be home. I cannot speak Spanish very well, and that can be annoying to yourself as well as others when you are in a Spanish-speaking country. I realized that learning to be fluent is a task I wish to take on. I need it, truly need it. It would have been a different trip, and by the next time I go somewhere, PR, DR, Spain for that matter-shoot, LA, I want to be able to better communicate. It is a respect thing too. For instance, while there I met people who clearly understood English but would not repeat a word of it to me...and I know why. It is the same phenomenon that folks have here-how you gonna be in America and can't speak English, that is a...yeah, same issue just different locale. I respect that, and thus my challenge to myself.

Additionally, PR gave me somewhat of a different perspective on life altogether. I mean, I met some folks that were just living there...some folks from here. Just graduated from college, met some natives and went there to live and just see the world so to speak. That, damn, that is crazy in a way but admirable in another. I enjoyed hanging out with them, and just living...I mean I am famous for just stepping out on faith and walking around and seeing things where ever I go-so meeting people that have taken that attitude to a new level was refreshing. They were much younger than I, but I never even thought to take chances like that when I was their age. Maybe I was scared, or more so just did not even know that I could do that. I mean I never even got on a plane until 22...so travel was not innate to my being. Now, I truly want that to be a part of my entire life, traveling to different places to see the world...redefinition of "tripping".

I did do some writing there as well, and I guess between just relaxing, writing and being inspired by the carefree existence of others did I gain this new or different perspective. I have always been one who did not worry about what others thought of me, well, not specifically but I learned most recently that perhaps I did not know myself that well. In other words, maybe I was simply an illusion of grand assumptions...not that I did not illustrate the characteristics that most placed upon me when they thought of me, but perhaps I too fell into the characterization of self and not the actualization of self. None-the-less, I want more than I have-and only truly in the sense contentment in that which I do and all that I accomplish. I have some plans to put in motion before the New Year, and then allow God to direct the course-having laid out my plan, for 2007. All in all, PR is a good trip...everyone should have the chance to bask in the sun as winter approaches...warm your spirit for the cold weather about to come. Never stop tripping.

The Glass is Half-Full...

Life is a miraculous experience. I mean, just rising from the bed every morning and breathing is a joy in itself but by not allowing sadness or misfortune to consume you...that is where the miracle comes in. In other words, one can only take so much negativity-hardship-failure, before there is a constant state of depression. I read somewhere that there are more cases of clinical depression now than ever...even more people taking drugs to escape to a happy place. I used to sit by this lady on my first job, large woman with an even larger spirit. However, she popped Prozac like they were going out of style...and she would always say "got to take my Happy pill." A pill to be happy...what would God think about that?

Happiness again, is just rising from bed, and thanking God for your existence. However, that is for me. I have come to the conclusion that life is not so grand for everyone. Regardless, it is what you make of it, so no one need see the glass as less than half full...if you have anything in the glass than you have the possibility of doing better. In other words, you have the ability or opportunity to add to what you have; build on the foundation which you currently stand upon. It is the old cliche, make the most out of you situation. It could always be worse...I hear so many people say that and that is not a bad point to make but I rather say it can always get better. I mean if it is bad, than yeah-perhaps something else could happen to take you that much further down but more than likely something will go right...and lift you up. God loves you...honestly, and although trial and tribulation will come God, in my belief system, does not want you to constantly be in confusion and pain. Therefore, as you go through something understand that you will "GO THROUGH IT", meaning it will pass...you will enter and exit out of every situation, in time.

But I am on a tangent...today, I simply want to tell the world that the glass is half-full. Regardless of your situation, the way in which you see yourself within the situation is where the power to overcome it lies. If you believe that you are in a bad relationship, but you see yourself as a good person who has made some bad choices, then change your choices and learn from the situation...God provided the bad relationship to help you later identify what is good. The glass remained half-full in spite of the situation...

Evaluation of Self...

I think the hardest thing for people to do, myself included, is evaluate themselves. I mean truly take a hard look at the external, and internal being and be open as well as critical of all that they see. I, presently, have begun such an evaluation. Ironically speaking, I had my performance review at work just yesterday, and it was real good...may even fall into a bonus. I work hard, but know I could do better-still, I had a good review...evaluation. So, as I sit down with myself, I try to look at both the positive and negative aspects of my being, the successes and the recent failures, the sins and well, there is no opposite of sin. This examination is not going to be done in a day or two, it may well take years to truly come to some rational conclusions but it has begun. I am looking inward for answers to my own shortcomings, faults, and also to my purpose as a human being.

Already, and like just last night, I had somewhat of an epiphany during this exploration. Perhaps, I am on the wrong path...like, perhaps I have been working towards the wrong thing for a while and God is screaming at me to change course. Do something differently. The phrase "stay the course" sounds so foolish, when I think of the President using it with regard to our nation's situation in Iraq-but, am I just as foolish in my "staying the course" in areas of my life that are not fulfilling? Even more so, because at least the President is passionate about his need to continue...I at this point, do not wield that same sort of passion with regard situations and committments I have taken on. This, as I examine myself, could be part of the reason why some endeavors have been unsuccessful.

Do you know where you are going to...
do you know the things
that life
is showing you
where are you going to
do you know...
or even understand
that the plan God has set forth
is beyond your
comprehension
not to mention
that you do not control
anything outside the desires of
your soul
emotions of your heart
at times we are set apart
pushed back
from that which we believe
is ours
or should be
but everything we want
is not always
for us
nor do we
need all we
wish to have
so be glad
in the journey
find gain in the exchange
of life and ideas
embrace both your fears
and triumphs
failures and successes
for all are the nexus
of your being
begin again
a million times more once
you have started
but never depart from he
who guides without words
leads without command
simply follow
at times it may be slow
but until you know
where you are going to
the things that life is
showing
until you know
then believe
and you shall
one day
find your way
your path
your purpose...

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Decisions 2006- America Sings the Blues...

In the wide world of politics, media commentary and social comprehension someone came up with the idea to label the political parties by color- Blue for the the Democrats and Red for the Republicans. Now, one could fall into an entire debate over the deep inner meaning behind the colors, but that is not for now. For now, America sings the Blues...for real. As of November 7th, 2006, the American people turned the tables on conservatism and blind allegiance, and the Democrats-or Blues-are now back in power in the entirety of Congress. Well, almost in power...for in my home state of good ol'Virginny there is a sore loser who will not admit defeat. His name George Allen...former Governor, Senator and now...well, he is sorta just a regular citizen. His is a story in poor choices and a bad campaign-once poised to be the golden boy of the Republican party, now he is destined for a long political shelf life. Virginia's Senate seat now the keystone to the balance of power in Congress-and with the Democrat Jim Webb announced as victor by the Associated Press all that is left to seal the deal is Allen's acceptance. That will be no time soon.

Regardless, it is a new day...right...right? I do hope so. I was speaking to a friend about the election just yesterday and I told her that I felt good about the changes that could take place, but I was also nervous about the outcome of those prospective changes. I did not know how to frame my concern, but this very morning I was having the discussion again and it came to me- cautiously optimistic. That is the feeling-I, like most of America today, look forward to a new direction for our federal government and for the placement of parameters on the absolute power exerted by the Executive branch over the last 6 years. Already, the President has shown how serious this change in Congress is, as Donald Rumsfeld has stepped down-or rather was told to. We shall see what the mighty Democrats have in store for America, and if any party can re-establish our foreign policy relations while truly addressing the domestic issues that plague our society-simultaneously. The blame game is over...

In the wee hours...

of the morning I try to make sense of nonsense, of all which I do not understand. I cry, not tears necessarily, but my heart pours out across the page for a friend whose pain I have never known...I too, have lost a loved one in the recent months and well, questioned. I know many of my entries afford God all the power within the universe, and I do not ever wish to contradict that fact or statement rather, however...God made me a thinking individual-a human for Christ sake. Within humanity, he provided the gift of logic and reason...so when we lose, anything, but most of all a loved one, we who have been given the gift of logic and reason feel that the loss is illogical, most often and there is no reason nor rationale that will make it all easier to bear. It is at this point that we "question" our most revered Lord.

Yet, answers do not fall from the sky...they are not written on the mirror in the morning when we awake, after having cried ourselves to sleep. Oh no, we may yell and scream at God asking over and over again why has he done this to US-our family, our lives, ours...ours...ours is not to question why but to give praise. You and I and all out there in internet land must understand time is not ours, to be done with as we please and our loved one...oh, how much we needed and treasured them but they were loaned to us by the same God we now question...without right. We are God's children, and regardless of the pain we must bear when one of our dearest loved ones is taken from us oh too soon, he or she was a gift provided by God for a time, and when they are called home there is no rejecting the call. Our time will come, and thus we must continue and give God all the praise for the time he allowed us to share with those whom he now has in his company.

Cry for me if you must
but trust the true Father has called
me home
and I am not alone
I stand amongst family and ancestors
never known
meeting for the first time forever
and never will pain
be felt again
unless when I look down
and see your tears
but only cry for me if you
must
but trust
I am in his hands
cradled in his glory
and all the stories we learned in Sunday school
could not compare
to the love I now share
atop the sky
I fly without wings
and the past life but a mere memory
in the far reaches of my being
being born again
this time without sin
it all just begins
here,
so wipe your tears
only cry for me if you
must
but trust,
I cry no more...
and I wait for you
for in you God sees favor
you were left to do our Father's bidding
so do not say good-bye
my dearest
for I will see
you
later...
on tomorrow's tomorrow
in the lifetime after next
we will be together
as we continue to
be now
so cry for me if you must
but trust
in
him

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Outcomes

What will be will be. I don't know who first made that statement, but it was true. What will be, well, not much you can do. I know when something happens, we often look back and say could we have changed the outcome...what could I have done differently; hindsight is 20/20. But I think, right now and maybe for the first time, I think there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of any event. The outcome has been pre-determined. God knows. So when we beat ourselves up later because something did not go in our favor, or we know we could have just done that little bit extra to make it-well, that all means nothing. It sometimes affords a lesson, this reflection that occurs after the outcome and the further analysis where statements like "if I had just not did this...or that, things would be different" are made can help us not make the same decision in the future. If we learned that is.

So I sit here and ponder future outcomes...one in particular, and wonder. What will be will be. Regardless of my fear, precaution...still, I feel like prayer helps. Maybe a prayer is like a final request for an outcome change directed at God, and only him. So I pray, and wait...for the outcome. I am trying to wrap myself in faith, and understand myself and the role God has for me in so many ways. I think that all that is going on in my life is preparation, for the real role that will be determined later on. Prayerfully speaking that is...

Change is not given...

It is earned. My good buddy just told me that on the phone, change is not given it is earned. He went on to say that when God gives you a chance, you need not ask why nor question whether or not you should take it...just take the chance. Often, we think that we are in total control of our existence; as if we are in charge of the course of our lives. When things are going wrong, or not the way we would wish them to we again think that "change" will occur simply because we want it to. But change is never simply given...nothing happens just because we want it to happen. It goes back to the fact that God is in control of your life-well, at least mine, but I do not or we do not always acknowledge it. You have to work hard for that which you want, or even to change the situation you may find yourself in because through that work, that effort, God recognizes your dedication to that which you wish to achieve and/or change and when he feels you have proven yourself then change will occur.

It is a humbling experience and even a more humiliating belief, that you are honestly at the mercy of a loving God. In this I mean that you can control your own state of being, how your respond or react to stimuli, but you cannot control anything else in the universe. If you believe that God has created all beings and all things that do exist in the universe, then you must understand that control of all things belongs to God. In this, you can control your limited amount of actions, but you cannot control any of that which goes on around you-from the weather in the morning, to the people you interact with, to the traffic...anything...you control nothing. In this lack of control, you find only one method to maintain sanity, and that is by faith. Therefore, your faith can sustain you when all control is lost, for your faith allows you to accept the lack of control and what little control you have over yourself, is then relinquished to God and you are at the mercy...of a loving God. This is my belief, but believe me it is not always a belief that I recognize or practice.

However, I now...on this day, am at the mercy of the Lord. I spoke of a test in a previous blog entry, a test I felt bad about. The results do not seem favorable to my progress so the control I had, upon taking the test initially is gone and the outcome of this situation is then left to God. You see, you can only go but so long without acknowledging who is truly in control of your life. Many of us, we stray from the teachings of the Bible, or whatever religious text that has been offered to us in our lives. In this disconnnection, we feel we are capable of handling all situations that may occur in our life-but we are wrong. Stress and anxiety are the bastard children of problems too big for the human spirit to endure alone...change again, does not just happen...it is earned. Stress and anxiety do not just fade away, they are resolved through meditation and faith in the power of God.

If you believe in me
he said
you shall live
eternally
forever
is too long to conceptualize
but I try
to imagine if
there is a day and night
a now and then
in the after-chapter
where there is no
ending
only beginning
and sin
is there even such a word?
in the land where no man
is disturbed
no woman ashamed
of her being
simply
a place where possessions have no
value
yet the worth of the word
priceless
beyond definition your sense of
existence
all wrongs have been made right
and forgiveness
is no longer spoken of
it is...
as is this place
beyond the borders of mortality
found in the realm
of the spirit
and you bear the pain of humanity
no more
on the shores of a better day
you play in the sands of time
and worry not about how long
you sit
seated with ancestors whose names
have no record
in memory
where memories are meaningless
for there has been nothing before
nor will there be anything after
this moment
this moment is...
all that is
and all that is
is he
and he is
God
and you...
are
free
at last

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Unsure?

Have you ever been unsure of yourself, like really not knowing whether you were right or wrong...if you would lose or win? I mean, I think most people are often this way-unsure-some so much that it is detrimental to their respective progress in life. I was historically the opposite...very confident and secure in who I was and the decisions I made. I was always optimistic about situations, be it a test just taken or a date with a sister, all positive outcomes to be had in my eyes. I was just so sure of that. But today, or perhaps for a while now, I have been very unsure about some things and to an extent about my immediate future...and it scares me.

I am not scared as in frightened, but scared of the unknown and what will come out of it...again, I usually welcomed tomorrow and dashed toward it with reckless abandon. I, and maybe it is just today, am more cautious now...and to a point skeptical about my own abilities. It is as if God has been on a mission to humble me, forcing me to focus on that which I want with all I have within, and not the half-way approach I have taken to things before. The foundation for this feeling or this sudden period of self awareness came earlier in 2006 when I did not pass a test in Graduate school. It was a test on all the knowledge I held within, regarding the subject that had been the major course of my study since I began graduate school...but I failed.

I have not experienced an intimate relationship with failure before, and subsequently I may have ignored the fact that I had failed at all. I avoided thinking about it, although I did accept it. It was upon the acceptance that I internally felt, well, I have learned my lesson Lord so thanks and on this next test there will be no problems. Honestly, I studied harder and did all the preliminary things prior to taking the test-just a few weeks ago. However, I do not feel good about the outcome...and right now, at this very moment, I am unsure. Unsure of my performance, unsure of the perception of me by professors I so respect...and as stated, unsure about my ability to even be successful with this endeavor.

To second guess oneself is common...we are human. We look for the respect and acceptance of others...oft times to even provide us with any self-worth. Self-worth measured by the measurement of ourselves by other men. However, this is not about a lack of self esteem on my part, not this time. It is about personal uncertainty- the space in time between self-hate and self-adoration...the area where you asks real questions about your own character but find no answers, only more questions. Frederick Douglass once said there is no success without struggle...and that struggle is defined individually. Perhaps this is my struggle at present, unlike others but for my life a major struggle indeed. It could also be a defining moment-how you respond to challenges, big or small, will define you over time.

Thinking About Jesus?

I just have to put this information out for all to see, there is a movie that a good friend of my put me onto, and it has opened in DC. It is a African-American portrayal of the story of Jesus Christ. Now I have yet to check it out, but here is the site for the information: http://www.colorofthecross.com/home.html Now, I know it is playing at Union Station among a few other spots, but you know we have to see it soon as it will be gone sooner than later.

You know it brings about alot of questions...the first being, that I know this is not the first time a black actor has portrayed Jesus, but perhaps the first time it is about to show before a national stage. But I will not open the discussion yet with regard to the race of Jesus...yet. But I will leave some thoughts to ponder. I do not know how many people read or went to the movies to see the DaVinci Code, (book by Dan Brown), but if you did than you will be able to feel me on my next series of thoughts. I read the book, then went to see the movie...and I can say from an objective point of view that I enjoyed the story. But I can never stop at the surface of anything...that would be a travesty, would it not? So, go deeper. If you know the story then the lineage of Jesus and his supposed wife Mary Magdelene still exists...in that they had a child and so on and so forth. Well, by the end of the book and the movie, one of the main characters is supposedly the heir of Jesus...and she is a white woman. Funny, or even more specifically a reinforcement of the "superiority" issue.

In this "superiority" issue, I mean in simple terms that no matter how much evidence seems to be blatantly obvious that Jesus was not white, or at least not a blonde and blue-eyed individual, the mere statement of that fact is enough to cause a hundred year war-no pun intended. But seriously, all may see God in the image of themselves, but as long as you definitively see him as unlike you than you will always, in my humble opinion, feel inferior to those that, well, you see God as. In other words, if you see God as a white man, and you are not that, than in some deep mental place you who believe in this God and praise him, understanding you are less than him will also see yourself, again in some deep internal place, as less than white men in general because, well...they are akin to God...and you, somehow, are not.

Therefore, the Passion of Christ, Jesus Christ Superstar, and the Da Vinci Code are all good stories and could be true if I were a blind man, but when they are cast with straight Anglo-Saxon men, then I must...if I am true to any sort of historical record-to include the Bible itself, I must look at those depictions for what they are-maintenance of the status quo. For if the son of God was white, then God himself must be...ridiculous right? Right? To me it is, but to all others who do not dig beyond the surface of things...then, well, I do not know. Again, I am not arguing the actual color of God, or Jesus for that matter, but simply for the allowance of the thought-that perhaps he could be different than that which has been depicted. There is no penalty for that, is there? For if there is, than my point has been proven. Think about it, and do not lose sight of what is beyond the depiction and that is the reality of the word.

Gains and Losses

On Sunday morning I had not realized that the time had changed, got up and got dressed to go to church-had not been in a few weeks, so I was ready to go by 11...still late but in route. However, as I listened to gospel music on the radio I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I was not only early, but extremely early due to the "fall back" feature of daylight savings time. That was a gain. I thought about the entire rationale behind daylight savings, and I do not agree or disagree with it-man's manipulation of time-but I did wonder if this was a practice known round the world. Did everyone fall back, and spring forward, or did they just remain constant. No gain or loss of an hour, just managing their lives through the continuum of time. None-the-less, I was happy to have fallen into an extra hour of time, and be seated at church nearly 30 minutes prior to service.

Church was a good experience...it most often is. Never bad, just sometimes not as inspiring as other times but yesterday was enriching. There were several reasons why. First, the church I attended, of which I am a common visitor but not member, had youth Sunday where children are the feature of the service. They sing, perform and speak to the congregation and that for me was delightful. Children are the most inspiring form of humanity to me. I mean, they love effortlessly and live with less prejudice than most of us. The world to them is new everyday, and the routine of life is not yet comprehensible. Their ignorance and naivety are the most beautiful illustration of innocence that can be found...and their love of God is without want, just because. The way children see the world, people, God...well, it always helps me to understand that in essence, the beauty of our existence is the fact that we are existing. Their vision, again, my gain.

Now in DC there are churches on every corner, facing one another and full to capacity every Sunday morning. If God is not acknowledged all week, then Sunday morning worship does its best to make up for the people's neglect. The entire experience is something to behold-the spirit truly moves people...into deep prayer, reflection, tears...a wealth of emotions are displayed openly and without regard for the opinion of on-lookers. Therefore, without question worship...or the ceremony thereof is a gain. Lastly, the sermon itself...the questions it brought forth in my mind and the self-evaluation it inspired was perhaps the biggest gain. The sermon was on shallowness, and Luke, Chapter 5 was the scripture from which the sermon was derived. Read it, and you will be moved.

Thus, my morning on Sunday was full of gains...no losses. Actually, my weekend was just that as well, full of gains and no true losses. It is in this thought, that the fear of loss is brought about. I believe in the balance of life, the yin and the yang of existence. Now some may argue that this notion is contradictory to the entire discussion of God above, I simply argue it is not. That even God wishes for his children to be balanced, and that in all that is good and positive there will be some bad and negative...it maintains the respect of his power and the the power within us all to project and receive energy-both positive and negative-through our own actions. Thus, in all the gain of my weekend, there will be some comparable loss. Not necessarily negative, but loss still the same. Perhaps I have already suffered it, and God allowed me to bask in the gain of the trials that have already been overcome. But regardless, just like with the extra hour I am happy to have gained on this weekend-good positive energy-to aid me in the day of loss that is sure to come.

Lord help me maintain my balance
as the arrogant man has no legs
to stand upon
when the winds of his own ignorance
blow strong
and I being he
at times
find myself falling
from all that I do not know
faltering
from all that I assume
it is only through you
that humility can be learned
understood
good and bad
are to life
what pain and joy
are to birth
both being the essence of existence
and the measurement of all worth
often depends
on the gain and loss
connected with
the acquisition of material things
but imagine if
all that truly matters
is our service to a higher power
our respect for all creation
and patience
in that which time will reveal
and the man less his arrogance
is healed
standing on
faith...

Saturday Gray...

I sit here at my computer, glancing out the window occassionally and it seems within minutes the sun was lost to the clouds in the sky...glances of gray influence my writing, slow down the mood. Not sadness, one of my favorite colors is gray but not the excitement the sun brings. It is fascinating at times, how color can make you feel differently-happy or sad-really amazing. Still, the grayness of this Saturday morning fills me with a calm; a coolness like a breeze while walking in wet grass in the morning when I was on the farm...long ago. Perhaps this will just be a chill day...no drama, not alot of excitement just a day to cool out and not do much. No deadlines, or needs to be truly addressed. Even if it is not supposed to go like that, I am gonna try my best to keep that type of vibe going all day. We all need these days...work hard, play hard and relax...well, just relax when necessary. That is what today is about, relaxation.

Color of the sky
cool as I
be
blues like
love supreme
sun seems
jealous of the haze that
overcast
its brilliance
brightness beneath
peeks through the seams
of clouds
stitched together
by raindrops
afraid to fall
be lost to the earth
far away from the sky
color of my coolness
calm
relaxation of grayness...

Taboo

Taboo. If something is taboo, it is that which should not be done...but not necessarily bad but maybe immoral; unethical, nasty even. I was actually playing the board game last night with some friends, girls versus guys and without a doubt the guys won (that is another blog in itself), but the game's name is what has initiated this entry today. Taboo. The name even sounds native...like African or Indian in origin. The funny thing about it though, this taboo, is that it is ever-so tempting. I think temptation and taboo are colleagues in a conspiracy against anyone on the straight and narrow path. In other words, the two are usually found in close company...working towards the derailment of standards. But even in trying to get someone to break a societal rule, by doing the unthinkable-there is something within every human being that is predisposed to want to break the rules.

Now the philosopher Thomas Hobbes stated that man was preoccupied with his own self-interest, and would do anything to further those interests. This is the whole rationale for the "man is inherently evil" theme, which is why government, or rather some system of rules are necessary for man to survive and interact with others like unto himself. However, the rules or government that is set up and which establishes the parameters of life for all within society is often created by whom-another man, or group of them. Therefore, the rules of which all must follow are the rules of the few over the many, and are based on those few individuals' personal conceptualizations of right, wrong, and what have you. Now, stay with me for a second...

So if one man or group makes the rules, based on their own experience, and I do not agree with their rules because of my own experience...should I be punished if I break them? I mean what is taboo to one, may not be to the other. Is there a universal truth that all men share and because of this all men are regulated by the same rules and laws? Well, if all men are regulated by the same rules then think of this...It is taboo for Michael Jackson to interact in a strange manner with little boys, he was put on trial for it-the rules said he should be jailed for his acts...but was it not taboo for Woody Allen to marry his adopted daughter, regardless of whether he waited for her to come of age to wed...for Senator Foley to send inappropriate messages to pages then claim he was a homosexual-alcoholic-abused child, and this was rationale for his actions. Neither he nor Mr. Allen have been prosecuted for their crimes against children...so how is Taboo defined-when all these acts with regard to children should have been labeled the same? (At least in my opinion they should all be taboo-even sick if you want to get real)

Regardless, taboo means different things to different people. My mother often says the world is so bad today, people are doing such evil things to one another. How did it come to this, she says. I often remind her that people have been doing evil things since the beginning of time. America sponsored a 400 year campaign on oppression and bondage...there is nothing more haneous than that. It is just that history is distorted by the victor, and truth is suppressed...expression of that suppressed truth thereof can be seen as taboo. We don't talk about the war in Iraq as totally wrong-just as a situation we wish was better. Death and destruction is taboo here...unthinkable. We are still in pain over 9-11, but does that justify pain being inflicted on innocent people globally...I should probably not even discuss this...that is taboo as well. Opinions, when they are not of the majority begin to be defined as such. Labeled as something they are not...soon thinking may be taboo too.

You betta not do that
you know it is wrong
you just betta sit still
and be quiet
you aint got that long
just a bit of time left
for you be free to do
what you please
so button your lips
swallow your morality
close your eyes to all you see
that dont agree with your
thinking
no one asked for your opinion
so do not provide it
and if you feeling emotional
about a particular issue
you best to hide it
aint nobody ever tell you
it was taboo
to speak of such things
to question the unquestionable
have thoughts
outside of the
box
you betta just close your
mind
and follow...
like all the rest

Destiny...

What is my destiny, yours? I go to work everyday, and although I do not hate my job, most days anyway, it has nothing to do with who I am. I mean, it is work and a decent check every two weeks but if I were to define me-well, my job lies far beyond the definition of self. But, it is a job none-the-less and I do not want the Creator to feel I am unappreciative. However, change is within my veins. I spoke to a lady just the other day who said she had been working at the this same place for 28 years. That is nearly my entire life, and she said her experience had been good but now retirement was all she looked forward to...the end. I do not want that feeling...ever.

Some call it going through the motions...or they liken it all to the need to "make a living." Still, just making a living has nothing really to do with Destiny, does it? Or is "destiny" in this sense just making a living...his destiny was the dead end job and following the routine of life. I argue that destiny is something more. Maybe it is because I buy into the notion that is perpetuated in every great story, for example it was Clinton's destiny to be president, it was King's destiny to lead the Civil Rights Movement...attributing destiny only to those who stand out amongst us and do things that are admirable to most. Perhaps that is the limitation of my sight with regard to the term. Destiny does not always have to be good...it could be someone's destiny to go to prison, to die in battle or be paralyzed on the football field. All could be defined as destiny...so again, what is it, this all encompassing term relegated to both victory and defeat.

To me, again in my limited sense of vision, destiny is the plan placed within your spirit by God at birth...the plan that he set for you upon conception. Now, I also believe you can deny this same destiny-which is somewhat contradictory so let me try to explain my theory. To me, God places a plan for your life within your spirit at birth, and based on the experiences you have in life various aspects of the plan are acted out. However, the plan is constantly changing and becoming amended as you grow...and there are times when God will place choices before you-as he feels you become mature enough to make decisions. These choices are usually of grand magnitude, and upon making a decision your life will be directed. It is at this juncture, when choice is made, that your destiny can be changed-take choice A and you end up at a certain place, take choice B and you end up somewhere very different.

Now, opponents of this theory may argue that regardless of whether you take choice A or B, you will ultimately end at the same place, perhaps not immediately, but in time and therefore your destiny is the "ultimate place" you end up at-and therefore, it cannot be denied. Both conceptualizations of destiny are logical to me, still I pray my destiny is beyond anything I can imagine at present...destined for greatness my wish,
admit that may be deemed a bit self-centered
but when I entered the world
the final chapter had already been
written
the route I would take determined by my
faith
belief in the unseen
and the mistakes I have made-
will make
along the way
were factored in long ago
before I was an embryo
a mere thought
in my parent's parents' imagination
I was destined
for something better than the best of my
ancestors
for they exist inside of my being
their accomplishments my own
my future patterned by
my family's past labor
and the Savior
perhaps within me he be
as well
I hear tell the gifts given
must be utilized
not hidden
or your destiny denied
so I sing songs of praise
for all that the Creator gave
to myself
and the lineage before...
for greatness
I wonder,
is that what I am
destined for?

Conception

It all begins with conception...life, the joy and pain to be eventually connected with it, well, that does not really matter at the very moment that it happens. "It" being conception, even if it is a thought or a dream or what have you-it is pure for only a second. Maybe even time cannot be attached to the purity of conception-thoughts, ideas, actions all will be judged...judged by the standards and morals of man, of one's socialized belief in good or bad, right or wrong, but prior to judgment...you know, it was just a thought or an idea. Life, it was an idea before it was-so is that when conception occurred, when the mind gave birth to the idea of it? I don't know, but this the first entry in my "blog" so to speak, and it has me thinking about the beginning of all things. What will become of this blog...I am more than uncertain yet it is a comfortable uncertainty. Will it grow like a flower, replenishing questions in minds of all that read...create a desire to debate, to state an alternative point of view to all that I relay? I hope it will be a sounding board, but that is to be determined in time. Right now, maybe someone will simply be feeling me, and the conversations I have been longing to have will take place in this very space. Perhaps...again, only time will tell and time tells nothing, before it is ready. I have never been one to question time...
never asked tomorrow what would occur
it would have answered me not
for I have no power over my destiny
no control of my life
and I know you like
but you can control your own actions, brotha
Yes, perhaps...but not necessarily the situation
they may put you in
and thus your response to
situations may be more
reaction than what you would have planned
to do
make you ask who is in control
of who
well it is easy enough
for me to understand
man
is in charge
of nothing...
and I being man,
than nor am I
I leave the questions I put before
time
up to God
to decide...
and thus I bask in the mere blessing
of
conception
asking questions of time
waiting to speak with
God
for the answers
yet God tells nothing
until...