The Glass is Half-Full...

Life is a miraculous experience. I mean, just rising from the bed every morning and breathing is a joy in itself but by not allowing sadness or misfortune to consume you...that is where the miracle comes in. In other words, one can only take so much negativity-hardship-failure, before there is a constant state of depression. I read somewhere that there are more cases of clinical depression now than ever...even more people taking drugs to escape to a happy place. I used to sit by this lady on my first job, large woman with an even larger spirit. However, she popped Prozac like they were going out of style...and she would always say "got to take my Happy pill." A pill to be happy...what would God think about that?

Happiness again, is just rising from bed, and thanking God for your existence. However, that is for me. I have come to the conclusion that life is not so grand for everyone. Regardless, it is what you make of it, so no one need see the glass as less than half full...if you have anything in the glass than you have the possibility of doing better. In other words, you have the ability or opportunity to add to what you have; build on the foundation which you currently stand upon. It is the old cliche, make the most out of you situation. It could always be worse...I hear so many people say that and that is not a bad point to make but I rather say it can always get better. I mean if it is bad, than yeah-perhaps something else could happen to take you that much further down but more than likely something will go right...and lift you up. God loves you...honestly, and although trial and tribulation will come God, in my belief system, does not want you to constantly be in confusion and pain. Therefore, as you go through something understand that you will "GO THROUGH IT", meaning it will pass...you will enter and exit out of every situation, in time.

But I am on a tangent...today, I simply want to tell the world that the glass is half-full. Regardless of your situation, the way in which you see yourself within the situation is where the power to overcome it lies. If you believe that you are in a bad relationship, but you see yourself as a good person who has made some bad choices, then change your choices and learn from the situation...God provided the bad relationship to help you later identify what is good. The glass remained half-full in spite of the situation...

Evaluation of Self...

I think the hardest thing for people to do, myself included, is evaluate themselves. I mean truly take a hard look at the external, and internal being and be open as well as critical of all that they see. I, presently, have begun such an evaluation. Ironically speaking, I had my performance review at work just yesterday, and it was real good...may even fall into a bonus. I work hard, but know I could do better-still, I had a good review...evaluation. So, as I sit down with myself, I try to look at both the positive and negative aspects of my being, the successes and the recent failures, the sins and well, there is no opposite of sin. This examination is not going to be done in a day or two, it may well take years to truly come to some rational conclusions but it has begun. I am looking inward for answers to my own shortcomings, faults, and also to my purpose as a human being.

Already, and like just last night, I had somewhat of an epiphany during this exploration. Perhaps, I am on the wrong path...like, perhaps I have been working towards the wrong thing for a while and God is screaming at me to change course. Do something differently. The phrase "stay the course" sounds so foolish, when I think of the President using it with regard to our nation's situation in Iraq-but, am I just as foolish in my "staying the course" in areas of my life that are not fulfilling? Even more so, because at least the President is passionate about his need to continue...I at this point, do not wield that same sort of passion with regard situations and committments I have taken on. This, as I examine myself, could be part of the reason why some endeavors have been unsuccessful.

Do you know where you are going to...
do you know the things
that life
is showing you
where are you going to
do you know...
or even understand
that the plan God has set forth
is beyond your
comprehension
not to mention
that you do not control
anything outside the desires of
your soul
emotions of your heart
at times we are set apart
pushed back
from that which we believe
is ours
or should be
but everything we want
is not always
for us
nor do we
need all we
wish to have
so be glad
in the journey
find gain in the exchange
of life and ideas
embrace both your fears
and triumphs
failures and successes
for all are the nexus
of your being
begin again
a million times more once
you have started
but never depart from he
who guides without words
leads without command
simply follow
at times it may be slow
but until you know
where you are going to
the things that life is
showing
until you know
then believe
and you shall
one day
find your way
your path
your purpose...

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Decisions 2006- America Sings the Blues...

In the wide world of politics, media commentary and social comprehension someone came up with the idea to label the political parties by color- Blue for the the Democrats and Red for the Republicans. Now, one could fall into an entire debate over the deep inner meaning behind the colors, but that is not for now. For now, America sings the Blues...for real. As of November 7th, 2006, the American people turned the tables on conservatism and blind allegiance, and the Democrats-or Blues-are now back in power in the entirety of Congress. Well, almost in power...for in my home state of good ol'Virginny there is a sore loser who will not admit defeat. His name George Allen...former Governor, Senator and now...well, he is sorta just a regular citizen. His is a story in poor choices and a bad campaign-once poised to be the golden boy of the Republican party, now he is destined for a long political shelf life. Virginia's Senate seat now the keystone to the balance of power in Congress-and with the Democrat Jim Webb announced as victor by the Associated Press all that is left to seal the deal is Allen's acceptance. That will be no time soon.

Regardless, it is a new day...right...right? I do hope so. I was speaking to a friend about the election just yesterday and I told her that I felt good about the changes that could take place, but I was also nervous about the outcome of those prospective changes. I did not know how to frame my concern, but this very morning I was having the discussion again and it came to me- cautiously optimistic. That is the feeling-I, like most of America today, look forward to a new direction for our federal government and for the placement of parameters on the absolute power exerted by the Executive branch over the last 6 years. Already, the President has shown how serious this change in Congress is, as Donald Rumsfeld has stepped down-or rather was told to. We shall see what the mighty Democrats have in store for America, and if any party can re-establish our foreign policy relations while truly addressing the domestic issues that plague our society-simultaneously. The blame game is over...

In the wee hours...

of the morning I try to make sense of nonsense, of all which I do not understand. I cry, not tears necessarily, but my heart pours out across the page for a friend whose pain I have never known...I too, have lost a loved one in the recent months and well, questioned. I know many of my entries afford God all the power within the universe, and I do not ever wish to contradict that fact or statement rather, however...God made me a thinking individual-a human for Christ sake. Within humanity, he provided the gift of logic and reason...so when we lose, anything, but most of all a loved one, we who have been given the gift of logic and reason feel that the loss is illogical, most often and there is no reason nor rationale that will make it all easier to bear. It is at this point that we "question" our most revered Lord.

Yet, answers do not fall from the sky...they are not written on the mirror in the morning when we awake, after having cried ourselves to sleep. Oh no, we may yell and scream at God asking over and over again why has he done this to US-our family, our lives, ours...ours...ours is not to question why but to give praise. You and I and all out there in internet land must understand time is not ours, to be done with as we please and our loved one...oh, how much we needed and treasured them but they were loaned to us by the same God we now question...without right. We are God's children, and regardless of the pain we must bear when one of our dearest loved ones is taken from us oh too soon, he or she was a gift provided by God for a time, and when they are called home there is no rejecting the call. Our time will come, and thus we must continue and give God all the praise for the time he allowed us to share with those whom he now has in his company.

Cry for me if you must
but trust the true Father has called
me home
and I am not alone
I stand amongst family and ancestors
never known
meeting for the first time forever
and never will pain
be felt again
unless when I look down
and see your tears
but only cry for me if you
must
but trust
I am in his hands
cradled in his glory
and all the stories we learned in Sunday school
could not compare
to the love I now share
atop the sky
I fly without wings
and the past life but a mere memory
in the far reaches of my being
being born again
this time without sin
it all just begins
here,
so wipe your tears
only cry for me if you
must
but trust,
I cry no more...
and I wait for you
for in you God sees favor
you were left to do our Father's bidding
so do not say good-bye
my dearest
for I will see
you
later...
on tomorrow's tomorrow
in the lifetime after next
we will be together
as we continue to
be now
so cry for me if you must
but trust
in
him

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Outcomes

What will be will be. I don't know who first made that statement, but it was true. What will be, well, not much you can do. I know when something happens, we often look back and say could we have changed the outcome...what could I have done differently; hindsight is 20/20. But I think, right now and maybe for the first time, I think there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of any event. The outcome has been pre-determined. God knows. So when we beat ourselves up later because something did not go in our favor, or we know we could have just done that little bit extra to make it-well, that all means nothing. It sometimes affords a lesson, this reflection that occurs after the outcome and the further analysis where statements like "if I had just not did this...or that, things would be different" are made can help us not make the same decision in the future. If we learned that is.

So I sit here and ponder future outcomes...one in particular, and wonder. What will be will be. Regardless of my fear, precaution...still, I feel like prayer helps. Maybe a prayer is like a final request for an outcome change directed at God, and only him. So I pray, and wait...for the outcome. I am trying to wrap myself in faith, and understand myself and the role God has for me in so many ways. I think that all that is going on in my life is preparation, for the real role that will be determined later on. Prayerfully speaking that is...

Change is not given...

It is earned. My good buddy just told me that on the phone, change is not given it is earned. He went on to say that when God gives you a chance, you need not ask why nor question whether or not you should take it...just take the chance. Often, we think that we are in total control of our existence; as if we are in charge of the course of our lives. When things are going wrong, or not the way we would wish them to we again think that "change" will occur simply because we want it to. But change is never simply given...nothing happens just because we want it to happen. It goes back to the fact that God is in control of your life-well, at least mine, but I do not or we do not always acknowledge it. You have to work hard for that which you want, or even to change the situation you may find yourself in because through that work, that effort, God recognizes your dedication to that which you wish to achieve and/or change and when he feels you have proven yourself then change will occur.

It is a humbling experience and even a more humiliating belief, that you are honestly at the mercy of a loving God. In this I mean that you can control your own state of being, how your respond or react to stimuli, but you cannot control anything else in the universe. If you believe that God has created all beings and all things that do exist in the universe, then you must understand that control of all things belongs to God. In this, you can control your limited amount of actions, but you cannot control any of that which goes on around you-from the weather in the morning, to the people you interact with, to the traffic...anything...you control nothing. In this lack of control, you find only one method to maintain sanity, and that is by faith. Therefore, your faith can sustain you when all control is lost, for your faith allows you to accept the lack of control and what little control you have over yourself, is then relinquished to God and you are at the mercy...of a loving God. This is my belief, but believe me it is not always a belief that I recognize or practice.

However, I now...on this day, am at the mercy of the Lord. I spoke of a test in a previous blog entry, a test I felt bad about. The results do not seem favorable to my progress so the control I had, upon taking the test initially is gone and the outcome of this situation is then left to God. You see, you can only go but so long without acknowledging who is truly in control of your life. Many of us, we stray from the teachings of the Bible, or whatever religious text that has been offered to us in our lives. In this disconnnection, we feel we are capable of handling all situations that may occur in our life-but we are wrong. Stress and anxiety are the bastard children of problems too big for the human spirit to endure alone...change again, does not just happen...it is earned. Stress and anxiety do not just fade away, they are resolved through meditation and faith in the power of God.

If you believe in me
he said
you shall live
eternally
forever
is too long to conceptualize
but I try
to imagine if
there is a day and night
a now and then
in the after-chapter
where there is no
ending
only beginning
and sin
is there even such a word?
in the land where no man
is disturbed
no woman ashamed
of her being
simply
a place where possessions have no
value
yet the worth of the word
priceless
beyond definition your sense of
existence
all wrongs have been made right
and forgiveness
is no longer spoken of
it is...
as is this place
beyond the borders of mortality
found in the realm
of the spirit
and you bear the pain of humanity
no more
on the shores of a better day
you play in the sands of time
and worry not about how long
you sit
seated with ancestors whose names
have no record
in memory
where memories are meaningless
for there has been nothing before
nor will there be anything after
this moment
this moment is...
all that is
and all that is
is he
and he is
God
and you...
are
free
at last

RushTaper Copyright 2006

Unsure?

Have you ever been unsure of yourself, like really not knowing whether you were right or wrong...if you would lose or win? I mean, I think most people are often this way-unsure-some so much that it is detrimental to their respective progress in life. I was historically the opposite...very confident and secure in who I was and the decisions I made. I was always optimistic about situations, be it a test just taken or a date with a sister, all positive outcomes to be had in my eyes. I was just so sure of that. But today, or perhaps for a while now, I have been very unsure about some things and to an extent about my immediate future...and it scares me.

I am not scared as in frightened, but scared of the unknown and what will come out of it...again, I usually welcomed tomorrow and dashed toward it with reckless abandon. I, and maybe it is just today, am more cautious now...and to a point skeptical about my own abilities. It is as if God has been on a mission to humble me, forcing me to focus on that which I want with all I have within, and not the half-way approach I have taken to things before. The foundation for this feeling or this sudden period of self awareness came earlier in 2006 when I did not pass a test in Graduate school. It was a test on all the knowledge I held within, regarding the subject that had been the major course of my study since I began graduate school...but I failed.

I have not experienced an intimate relationship with failure before, and subsequently I may have ignored the fact that I had failed at all. I avoided thinking about it, although I did accept it. It was upon the acceptance that I internally felt, well, I have learned my lesson Lord so thanks and on this next test there will be no problems. Honestly, I studied harder and did all the preliminary things prior to taking the test-just a few weeks ago. However, I do not feel good about the outcome...and right now, at this very moment, I am unsure. Unsure of my performance, unsure of the perception of me by professors I so respect...and as stated, unsure about my ability to even be successful with this endeavor.

To second guess oneself is common...we are human. We look for the respect and acceptance of others...oft times to even provide us with any self-worth. Self-worth measured by the measurement of ourselves by other men. However, this is not about a lack of self esteem on my part, not this time. It is about personal uncertainty- the space in time between self-hate and self-adoration...the area where you asks real questions about your own character but find no answers, only more questions. Frederick Douglass once said there is no success without struggle...and that struggle is defined individually. Perhaps this is my struggle at present, unlike others but for my life a major struggle indeed. It could also be a defining moment-how you respond to challenges, big or small, will define you over time.