Pressure Bursts Pipes

So this life thing, well, is not a straight path to the next stage.  The road is filled with potholes and detours,  curves and round-abouts.  Life.  It is as if as soon as you think you have some things figured out, or it is all going, well, well...it happens.  Not any it in particular, just it.  It is not defined by any specific terms, other than "it" is unexpected and unnecessary and at times uncheap-or rather it is expensive.  This is the life game.  Unpredictable.

It happened to me today.  I was already in it, like this situation with my house.  So here is the breakdown: I am outside messing with my dog, come in the house and hear water dripping...really running as if the faucet is on.  So I go into the half bath and there it is.  Water is busting through one of the walls!  WTyou know the rest!  So I yell to my wife, who at this point I know is in the shower-not that I know know but the water-I know.  So I am like-BABE, GET OUT THE SHOWER!  She is like what?  You gonna wake the baby...long story short, pipe burst over the bathroom ceiling-which was the drain pipe for the upstairs bath and all kinds of goodness just bust through the wall.  Today the plumber basically "tore up" the bathroom to fix the pipe...and there are big sanitary dryers all over the house.  That is the setting for "it" to happen again.  

Not another pipe, but after I stay off work to deal with the gifts from years past that poured out of aforementioned pipe, I was rushing to work.  Now, the whole rushing to work when you are about 4 hours beyond your start time is an oxymoron.  Yeah, so me, the oxymoron himself is "rushing" to work like Brandon Jacobs through the Patriots front four...I don't even like the Giants but that was my Sportscenter moment.  In the rush, I hit a red light, stop, light turns green, go-damn.  Car in front of me, well...yeah.  So I hit it.  

I am dead wrong so I handle the fender bender-literally-like a man and take care of almost everything on the spot.  But my energy is off.  Not only has my house been jacked for days, which has the wife and little one off a bit, I been showering at our neighbors house, my money could always be better and tadow...banged out the whip.  So, with the job on my neck, home out of order and now this...my own pipes on the verge.  So I write.  I mean, there are plenty of folks in a lot worse situation than me...but I always have this to say about that-this is my situation.  Let me break this theory down.

Everytime you are going through something, anything, and you maybe reveal that to someone else he or she always says-well, you know it could be worse or there are other people worse off than you.  I usually reply with something like "yeah, that is right".  Most often because I feel obligated, at that moment, to act is if I give a flying fig about this other, imaginary person that I do not know, about their potential misfortune that when compared to mine is "worse."  So, I say all of that-in a run-on sentence at that-to simply say-why the hell do people say that?  I mean we all know that it could be worse, but I said that this time when the wall burst with water from five years ago spilling out on the floor-"could be worse" I said.  Today...it is. 

I am not saying I do not feel other folks issues, or that it always goes from bad to terrible-only once in a while.  But at the same time, your issue is your issue.  No matter what happens to Tom, Dick and Harry what matters is what happens to you.  How you feel is important-no bump that-how you feel is really all that matters at least sometimes.  So if it is all jacked up, and your day totally sucks-you should not have to try and imagine someone else's misery to feel better.  Just go ahead and get your "feel bad" on.  Let it go.  Cry.  Fuss someone out.  Go to the park and yell.  Write...an angry blog entry.  I don't know, but don't be made to feel bad about feeling bad.  You have to understand feeling bad to recognize when it is really starting to feel good.  If all that pressure is allowed to build up-and even at its pinnacle someone tells you to get over it or think about the guy who doesn't have whatever-they may get the business.  So, to corral those emotions allow yourself to feel, heal, and release.  It may not be that deep tomorrow, but today.  Yeah, be easy.

Mine

is not your issue 

and although 

you may have one 

close to the same

it ain't 

how I feel is real

to me 

so before you 

begin

refrain

from saying things

like it could be worse

or look on the bright side

I might

one day...

maybe even tomorrow 

reassess my 

situation 

but at present

my patience has left the 

building

and perhaps you 

should follow suit 

it's not that this is 

a pity party 

but if so 

what is it to you?

the table is set for

one

no need for opinions

motivational speeches

or sermonettes 

just let me have my moment

in time I may forget 

but that time is not right this 

second

I want to wallow in this a while

ignore my cell phone ringing

delete all text upon receipt

cut someone off while driving

give 'em the bird if they beep

I am just all in my feelings

and regardless if 

you have been down this path 

before

I don't want to hear your story

I will Helen Keller you

can't hear you and can't see you

nothing you can do

except, well...shut the hell up

and leave me to my misery

I will get back at you when I am 

up

until then...

down is where I 

be

copyright 2012

Iron sharpens iron

Proverbs 27:17 states "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."  I have often used this statement but living it, truly, has been something that I have only done on occasion.  I mean I feel like many of my friends are exactly that for me...iron.  We rap, discuss, debate, argue, celebrate and even admire the growth and progress of one another.  But that was just my friends...I never really interacted on a regular basis with folks in my professional space that well, could sharpen me.  Most recently I have been in this leadership program and for the first time in a long time, I feel different about the work we are doing.  My colleagues and I, all from the same government agency and kind of at the middle management level, are in the program together and I must say...it has really inspired me.

The funny thing about inspiration, is often you want to be inspired but nothing has happened to bring about that emotion.  In other words, inspiration is always on the cusp of occurring, at least for some...it just needs the moment to be called forth.  So, in that vain, being in class with a group of people that kind of see the world differently and also feel that they can evoke change in a major government institution-well, it is inspiring.  Still, inspiration is just the catalyst for any substantial change you are willing to "work" to make.  I say it like that because if there is no work, there is no change.  Inspiration in that way, is a good hymnal on Sunday morning, but no sermon.

So, the leadership team has been inspired, even challenged, to bring about change in our organization.  Now, change is one of those words that at times is used as a noun-like it is this thing...but change in my opinion should always be a verb.  A verb means there is action behind the word-it is not stationary or static.  It is moving, growing, developing...changing.  The folks that I am in the group with, they want to be that.  It is crazy, I mean I may be one of the youngest folks there but age does not matter-or it doesn't have to-if you are passionate about making an impact.  I have been to alot of trainings and getting hype on what is "possible" has occurred before-but as stated earlier not with people in my same lane.  I want that to matter...so, it does.

It is essential, even beyond this leadership moment I feel like I am having right now, to continue to ebb and flow with folks who are eagles.  Eagles look to soar, high above all else and find their nesting place in the sky.  I want to soar...never touch the earth you know.  High above all the issues that can remove you from your purpose.  But, it is very hard to do when all around you is unlike you.  You find yourself misaligned.  It is a shame that there are times when it seems that more folks would be happier if you were to fail than succeed, but that is the reality for many people.  I realized early in life that I was not to be, well, what the youth of today call a "hater".  Why?  I mean, I have been envious of others many times-and even had to stop myself from "questioning" others' success.  I understand that as a human, emotions at times rise within us...but for it to get to the level of hating, well that is more than I am comfortable with.

If you keep strong folks around you, you are stronger.  I gain energy off of positive people in motion.  The blessing is that God has always placed these types of people in my path.  This iron, that only he knew was necessary for me to ascend and do the work he would have me do.  So in turn, I try to pay it forward, and be that piece of iron for others around me.  Look at them and see beyond the now and into the what is supposed to be.  I realize that encouragement and motivation are free.  So I provide them willingly.  Never know what a powerful message a bit of encouragement can be to someone-regardless of his or her situation or social status.

We all need to evaluate ourselves at times.  Make sure that we are progressing at a speed relative to those we find commonality with.  In other words, life is not a race, nor a competition, but it is a path that we all have to travel, that is best endured with company.  Company should not weigh you or slow you down, but assist and speed you up...at least keep pace.  Iron.  The people around you should make you want to be better, and you should return the favor.  It only makes sense...you are the company you keep.  Iron.

 

Renewed

So it was just a regular Monday...but you know Mondays sometimes make me feel like starting over.  You know, it is the beginning of the week so I always use Mondays to initiate change in my life.  So, I can't really say I went to work and "worked"  it out, but when I got home I figured I would definitely spend some time on me.  I got a few irons in the fire so to speak, so may as well make the hours I have free work for me.

So with that, I sent a draft of my dissertation proposal to my advisor-something better than nothing right?  I know this is a long road, but if you don't step on the path than you will never make it down the road...so, on the road again so to speak.  I mean, this dissertation has been my arch nemesis-me against the man in the mirror.  It seems that the biggest competitor to my success, at least in this venture, is me.  Ever felt like that?  You keep getting in your own way.  I really think that is why most folks are just average-cuz average is sooooooo easy.  We all have so much potential...but you know the one thing I remember from science is the difference between potential energy and kinetic energy-potential energy is energy at rest and kinetic energy is energy in motion.

To hell with potential.  I need to be kinetic.  Moving.  Faster than the cat sitting on their keister. Moving, forward.  Even if it is just baby steps, it is better than standing still.  So I say all that to say that on today I at least made forward progress in removing the biggest bear off my back that I have ever known.  The dissertation.  Pray that a brother can maintain some sense of discipline to complete this.  I mean I can't quit, quitting is not for me.  That's not me, that's not me.  Plus, how could I tell my little man that Daddy could't finish something.  Naw...so again pray for a brother.  I appreciate it-smile.

Monday.  The almost official first day of the week.  I mean some give that credit to Sunday, but Sunday is the weekend so for me, yeah Monday is the beginning.  Change up the energy.  But right now it is Tuesday...got to keep up the momentum and stay, well, kinetic with it.  Got to keep moving forward.

My gramps used to always say
I can't change what I did yesterday
past has passed
all I ask is for God to wake me on
tomorrow
bound to do better
long as sidestep sorrow
and carry an umbrella...
in other words always prepare for
the worse
rain on a cloudless day
don't allow that which you cannot change
to change the way
you view your circumstances
chances are your situation
not as dramatic
as you would make it seem
perhaps you simply acting out
a storyline when
you need only re-write the script
rearrange the scene
see beyond where you have been
and above your present state
look closely at those whom you keep
close
scale back
could be too much weight you carrying...
people and particular things
doubts, fears, insecurities
the intangibles remain
tend to cling to you for years
whether wanted or wanting to wish
all your issues away
you have the will...potential
energy as sometimes described
kinetic in your progression
lesson is you are what you believe yourself
to be
the renewal of your dreams
awakens reality
the renewal of your dreams
awakens your true
reality

copyright 2012

Iced out...

Brrrrr...that is sound of the man, walking in the ice-laaaaand, that is the sound of the man, walking on the "iced" land.  Corny, I know-but winter has officially shown its face.  I mean it ain't vicious outside, but there is ice all over the ground, and the roads are slippery.  On days like this, an SUV is not a saving grace.  What you should really do, is keep you butt inside-that is what you should do but folks have a need to get out.  Like a few hours with just your kids, or you lady or even your parents and that old cabin fever sits in.

I don't seem to have that problem.  I remember the awesome blizzard of 2010, and me and wifey were in the crib for days...literally, 4 or 5 days straight and it was fun.  We were productive, and really enjoyed each other.  So today, well it will be no different.  Might not take the munchkin out in the element, but as stated be hold up in the house is fine by me.  The weather, when it closes you to the outside then brings the inside out.  ***Special News Bulletin***I am about to get deep.  Ha, I be killing myself-but anyway. What I mean is when you are forced, by nature to stay inside your house because of what is going on outside, then you have to focus on what is inside of you...and then, at least for me, attempt to bring that which is inside of you out.

This is the foundation of my logic, "that when outside forces you in, the inside comes out".  I feel I am a creative being, so when I am in the house and have "time"...precious precious time-then I can find that creative space.  Even if it is only a few minutes, and produce something or at least think about producing something...whether it be a poem, a song, a blog entry...time and space.  Inside out.  The beauty of taking what the day gives you and giving something back to the day.

I do feel a bit saddened though by the icy elements around us.  Well, we were supposed to go to one of my little cousin's b-day parties at the skating rink...how ironic, skating.  But it was roller skating, still funny in almost analogous way.  But it was cancelled.  The family was still hooking up, but the LO has a bit of the sniffles so we decided to lock it down inside.  It is never a bad idea to stay in though, because ice is the whackest.  I mean it may be the worst weather element I can think of.  Pause.  I am thinking.

I am back...yeah, think it ranks as whackadocious.  I say that because rain washes and rejuvenates the earth.  Sunshine days, well enough said.  Even when it is cold.  Snow filters and purifies the air-least I heard that somewhere before and it sounds...well, like what snow looks like it should do.  Storms and hurricanes are not cool either, but they come with rain and of times are to clear the earth and again restore growth in the devastation.  Arguably.  But ice.  It is cold, slippery, nasty when it melts a bit, dangerous and just unpleasant.  You can fall, wreck, and/or just get jacked up...for no reason.

So, for me and mine-ice is better served in tea.  But when we get the ol' wintery mix going good, I lock it up and chill...literally, inside.  Maybe I will do a little writing.  LOL

Ball So Hard...(broke man's version)

Ball so hard
bill collector's can't find me
but they still might fine me
late fees and penalties for all the
things
I been charging
Ball so hard
overdrafting debit cards
living so large and fronting like
I'm supposed to be
buying tables
bottles of Spades
making it rain off
minimum wage
Ball so hard
that's just crazy
that's just crazy
that's just...
Ball so hard
my rent never timely
one day might find me
on the street
with all my things
still flossing like ain't nothing
changed
Ball so hard
next check I see
bet I be
in the mall blowing it all
expensive sneaks never see the gym floor
ain't they Concords 
these old things
                        but of course
act like you had a pair
of Jordan's before
Ball so hard
that's just crazy
that's just crazy
that's just...
crazy?
yeah...word

copyright 2012

Captain Crunch and the boy...

So mommy is out, and it is me and the LO...little one.  Just had to walk through a bowl of Captain Crunch on some 'before dinner snack' and me the boy are chilling for the moment, this is really Daddy's time anyway.  I am saying, I don't know about any other "pops" out there, but when I get off work I take on my most pleasurable job of the day-spending time with Cam.  Guess you could say I have the evening shift, not to be confused with the night shift-wifey got all that LOL.  But seriously, it is real amazing to even have a kid, so I try to make sure we get it in for a few hours a day-usually when he wakes up and I am getting ready for work, the boys "hang out."  He is in the bathroom during shower and shave-in his little chair, in the guest room for ironing and getting dressed, and in my arms for feeding the dog.  And every night, I would say 90% of the nights since he has been alive, I put him to bed.  Yeah, bedtime-that is like my thing.

I used to call it the principle of four B's-bath, book, bottle and bed.  Worked like a charm like the first few weeks of life.  Now, well-it is more like 3 B's.  The book has taken an L, and we read or try to read at other intervals but at the moment bath, bottle and bed is our routine.  So, that being stated, it seems we are near the time when we shut it down.  I am telling you, schedules are beginning to be how to run my life.  7:30pm is usually his bath time, and it all just rolls after that...so in a second I got to clock in.

But regardless of all that, this fatherhood thing is a serious deal.  I look at this little dude, and I am truly blown that all the good in me found its way into another human being.  I will desperately not try to pass on the stuff that is in the realm of "not so" positive, but you never know what traits may befall the genes.  I just will make an effort not to be all obvious about them.  It is crazy though, I straight up changed my life after this cat came on the scene-but not intentionally.  Like I did not have to make an effort to chug less beer, or not hang out on Friday, or stop listening to explicit hip hop...naw, I still listen to all hip hop-got Kanye on right now as I drop thoughts on here-LOL.  Good thing he can't understand the lyrics yet...don't judge me every man has their vice.

But I digress, like I was saying life just changed...no real conversation with self or breaking of habits, kinda just happened.  I feel like that is what is supposed to go on, I mean there is nothing more important than family...period.  Cam is my heart.  I do however understand that the family begins and ends with me and the Mrs., that is not a question to me.  But my little guy, I just am overwhelmed by his existence.  I am not always like all over him, he is a boy and I am building a man.  So, I got make sure he is tough, but loving.  But there are times when I just stare at him...or he touches my face (that is his new thing this week) and I just live in that moment.  Me and my son.  Crazy.

it is like I am staring at a piece
of my being
seeing me outside myself
inside can't help but feel the emotion
building...
filling up all of me
he is so full of life
like the world past our
doorsill will not harm or hurt
like everything alright
and I assume it is
no care has he nor I
for I care for he as I never knew I
could
or even possibly
this could be me
a father
he is mine...my
son
shine
as if God's light in his
smile
while all I knew was I was falling
in love with this woman
but who knew through that
fall all this would come to
be
new life
not known to us
but given so we
could live
differently...
she and I plus
him
like a piece of me I am holding
in my arms
beside myself
as if my blessings multiplied
times two
thank you
Lord
for ignoring my shortcomings
and selecting me
to aid in the raising
of this child
he is yours...your
son
shine
as if my grandfather's spirit in his
eyes
bright, gazing towards tomorrow
future wrapped in the hopes and dreams
of ancestors
sewn into memory
by tales tailored on the laps of loved ones
longing to stitch
the history of our people within the fabric
of his being
he is a new perspective
a framework from which to erect a more
meaningful existence
and my value has increased
worth more heavily weighted
as if a piece of me will never die
as long as he lives
I live better
because he is...
here
like purpose to life
light to morning
my son
shine

copyright 2012