Mac and Cheese

I am a big brother. Not literally-naw, I am a Big in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. My Little, as we call them, is my man. The other day on my b-day he gives me this home-made card and it says alot of deep stuff. Like no matter how many gifts you give me or where ever you take me, it all don't matter...not like I do not like those things but the real thing I enjoy is just spending time with you. He was like we got each other's backs, we just like mac and cheese. Word, that is what he said, we like mac and cheese. It was probably one of the most beautiful things that anyone has ever said to me.

It made me think about how I go about my life. I mean, I am trying desperately to be a good person, do the right thing all the time. I know that I make mistakes but I am trying. Still, it ain't always how you do things...it is the fact that you do it. In other words, here I am doing all these things with my Little, trying to plan the ultimate time and even not scooping him when I can't think of like the coolest outing...but all that doesn't matter. Just do what you can, and it i appreciated even more. Life is simple like that.

The whole mac and cheese comment, well it got me. I never would have used that term, but it is so fitting. It is like over time, we have kinda melted together and in the process of our relationship "baking" we have both come about with a better perspective on life...better taste for the future and more flavor within our own existence. Cheese is good, and macaroni is alright but together man they are fantastic.

You never know how you will affect people's lives, so you have to be thankful for the moments to do so and you must represent God in all your interactions. My Little, he represents the beauty that God has provided to us when we spend time with children. They see the world in a most unique, and new way. They are more optimistic, more forthcoming and most of all more loving than almost any adult I have ever met. See, they are not tainted, not yet, by life's disappointments. I mean, they see the good in you...even if you can't tell if it is there or not.

The funny thing is, I am supposed to be the mentor in this relationship, but I learn just as much from my Little as, well, as I hope he does from me. At the end of the day, it is all about love. I mean, it cost nothing to love and you really do not have to limit the amount of people that you allow yourself to love...there is no cap on it. Just have to be open to all that love, friendship and time can offer.

Though we started out in different spaces

I see traces of myself in his smile

for a while wondered if I was doing

this 'brother' thing right, being better than just

a buddy

spending money on movies, food and frolic

ironic, this kid a quick study

old soul in a child's frame

the fundamentals what young'un seeking

every time we connect

all he yearning for is teaching

our conversations benefit us both

see the joy in his greeting, no words can

relay

say we vibe like mac and cheese

stick tight like beans and rice

and we might end up being

friends longer than most others...

born in different spaces

still God placed us both as

brothers

copyright 2010

B-Day...the Thirty-somethin' Chronicles

So here it is, August 21st and the Lord has blessed me to get through another year of life. The thirties seem to be the most transitional period of any man and woman's lives, in that as young as you sometimes feel the full girth of your responsibilities become more than evident. In other words, you all grown up now. I have a wife, two homes, a dog, a Director position, and I am one of the anchors in my family. This is not tooting my horn, that does not need to happen, this is what is real when you accept all that you have been led and expected to do. It is not a game...but it is fun all the same.

My relationship with both family and friends is different now-I know there is both a role I play in others lives as well a position they hold in mine. My friends are all moving in a positive direction, even if that direction is just keeping their heads above water and trying to make it...it is positive. I have no time for the negativity the world tries to project on you-got to be beyond that. I can only spend time with those who move through their issues with determination and what I like to call "intestinal fortitude". At this age, there is no such thing as giving up or trying to just getting over on others, no sir. At this age it is about getting up, getting out and getting something...sounds like an old hip-hop song. But that is what it is.

I was just telling someone the other day, I never dreamed of being at this age-not when I was a kid or even more recently. But time passes, regardless of how you try to stay at the same spot in life...time, well it is in control. The major point in even making that statement though, about time, is that you have to do something with it. An example is a few years ago I ran into some overwhelming issues in grad school-and there was a point when I just wanted to quit. Yeah the big Q. But a good friend laid the realest statement on me I ever got- he was like the time gonna pass anyway. Whether it takes you 10 years or 2, the time is gonna pass-question is what you gonna do with it?

Say word. In all my years on this good ol' Earth, damn-am I making the best of my time? There has been plenty wasted, even doing wrong...but if there were lessons and laughs within that then I have to say it was still time well spent. However, at this point, when you are fully aware of where you want to go and all you wish to be (never stop wishing), then time is more of a commodity. No longer am I waiting for time to just pass...waiting for the weekend or the next holiday. Naw, each day, hour, minute...second, is precious in itself.

So all in all, birthdays are the best days. Just get to celebrate yourself, that fact that you exist...your life. Everyone around you, just happy that you are alive and that you have been a part in some minuscule way, of their life. How wonderful it is, to reflect on time and who with and how you have spent it. It is also a day to think about what you plan to do with the next year of your life. I mean, some people make New Year's resolutions, but I tend to make B-Day Resoul-lutions. Yeah, you can bite the style if you want. Just to me, the next year of my own life has more relevance than the calendar year. What do I want to accomplish in the next 365 of my own existence?

I will ponder on where I will be

when the time I find in front of me

is behind

and yesterday

is but a memory in my mind

a reflection of the discipline of hours

passed

and the questions asked of the future

on today

have been answered...

but alas,

I tend to dream during the day

while my night is the only time

I am sleeping

for time awake

is made to create

eyes wide open

for I am seeing all that

I am supposed to be far out in

front of me

reaching towards the stars

for their light heals scars and mistakes

pain and heartbreaks

meaning-

I illuminate the darkness

with statements and phrases

about God's amazing gift

to turn sinner to servant

heathen to healer

all revealed within the midst

of trials and tribulations of life...

I might save somebody's soul

when they hear tale of the rocky road

been traveled

dastardly deeds been done

see they ain't the only one

hopes unraveled

shame shown plain like the sun

yet still here

triumph over challenge

and

balance gained one...

day at a time

on this one day I am

inclined to celebrate

my own birth

allow my self-worth

to shimmer...

shine...

shadow-shatter the impossibilities

never

mine

copyright 2010

Building

My grandmother's birthday was Tuesday...August 10th. She became 89 years old on that day. She is not really able to celebrate like she used to, as she is in a nursing home and she does not talk much. She also no longer walks. But regardless, she has made it another year and as a family we are blessed. So, to celebrate my grandmother as we know she would want us to, there was a family gathering in my hometown with many of her great nieces, nephews, children, grandchildren and family in general. There were people I had not seen in years-simply amazing.

The funny thing is many of these folks live right near me. Just have not touched base or acknowledged the family that is right around. I don't know, it seems like time goes so fast and keeping in touch is so, well, not difficult but not something I have done well. I hope this weekend actually changes how I stay connected with my folks, because that is the way to ensure the family has deep roots. I also think that it was so wonderful that even though my grandmother was in no position to plan a birthday party and get everyone together, still, in spirit she did. Leading simply from the position of matriarch.

I sit here now, and think about my family in a totally different way that how I did just a few days ago. It is bigger, fuller, and definitely a more wonderful family than I even knew that I had. My wife was able to meet people for the first time, and that meant something to everyone as the family is growing. I have promised myself that I will work harder to ensure that I maintain the relationships that were born again on this weekend, and that I stay true to the motto of family that I promote. I pray these are not just words on a page-but soulful sentences that lend to the discipline of action.

Fix

I could not sleep...I just needed to write. I have been writing a bit more frequently lately-but tonight there is no theme, no save the world mantra I am on. I just needed to write-freestyle. I was born into the era, where freestyling was religion. From middle school on, I would be with a crew of my boys and someone would always start rhyming. Usually it would start with a song we all knew, then grow into a beatbox and broken rhyme full of big people words, catch phrases and the ever present "check, check." It may not make alot of sense, or really be about more than a few laughs or jokes on somebody but it was therapy. I think back on those sessions, and it was like so refreshing and free. I miss that type of freedom.

It is so funny, it did not seem like life was so easy back then. I just did not realize. I was just watching VH1 Soul and I saw some old videos. Music, well, for me it is like a time machine. I remember moments, occasions, people...all based on a song or even a beat or hook. I used to say my life had this ill soundtrack-rap, gospel, r&B, pop...all those genres and then some would be on the soundtrack. Different songs and combinations of songs would drop at different moments during my life, my past. Great songs would be on the soundtrack and some underground hits most ears aren't liable to remember. Soundtrack to life.

Music and freedom. Two of the biggest descriptions of my youth. I think back now, as probably everyone does at some point, about what I would do differently. All the apologies I owe to people I will never see again. It is crazy how it all moves so fast. I think that is why I just had to write something down today. I feel like it is rolling by. My life that is. Just whizzing by and I am caught up in some job-career ladder-want to do the right thing-mumbo jumbo, and at times just missing out on life. What is really important? God. My wife. This degree I have been in pursuit of for a decade. My family and friends. My job. You know the regular stuff. The politically correct stuff. The damn near 40 "canned statement" stuff. But beyond that, what? What happened to music and freedom? Passion and fame? Dreams?

My cousin was in town over the weekend and we were talking about jobs. She is an actress. A great actress, who has not gotten that major break as of yet. However, her husband-who is an actor too-may have come across his. To me, it means she is next-but I asked her what if it did not happen. What was her fall back plan? She said there was none. She said she never wanted to just do something, anything, just to do it you know. She had to commit her life to that which felt right...felt good.

The crazy thing for me is that although I knew what she would say, it was still so deep to me. I told her I had heard Keenan Ivory Wayans say that when he was telling his father that he was dropping out of Engineering School at Tuskegee, to be a comedian, his father told him to just finish to have something to fall back on. He told his pop if he had something to "fall back" on, he might just let himself fall. But if there was nothing there-he could not. My cousin basically said the same thing-and in that moment my respect for her rose even more. Nor like it was non-existent prior to that, just that I could dig what she was saying and her passion when telling was real.

I have been one who has lived life in fear. Fear of the fall. I would tell people I had alot of irons in the fire, waiting for one to get hot...however, I would have so many things going on because I would never dedicate my entire existence to one thing-I mean what if I failed? Of just fell? That is living in fear. Someone wise once told me that fear is the lack of faith not the absence of courage...or maybe I just made that up...regardless, the elder Wayans and my cousin do not carry that same type of fear. I admire that.

Guess that will be it for the moment. Not really an entry that is as cohesive as I like to write, but necessary. Sometimes you just have to clear some space in the mental, to continue on.

Thoughts crowded in my mental space

like the red line at 5PM

no seat for the weak minded

so I pretend to gain clarity

with a piece of paper

and a pen

fingertips extend my limbs

to greet keys that will

open a menagerie

of possibilities...formerly crowded

now free