Solitude

After a week of family, extended family and friends I sit here at nearly 1am alone. I am very pleased to be doing so. I do not know why I am still up, I do have work in the morning but I just wanted to put a few thoughts into cyberspace before I drifted off. Christmas was delightful, and I did buy gifts for my loved ones and some stuff for myself-the grinch in me. But this moment, is peaceful. It is not a knock on anything in my life, but to just sit in silence with your own thoughts for a moment, it is a blessing.

Many look at being alone as a setup for lonliness. Well, I am seldom alone and even when I was totally by myself I never felt lonely. At times I longed for company, but I could always find contentment in myself. I am an only child, and in that experience one knows how to function with no one else around. We do not learn, for a very long time that all we are as a child we remain...each day of our youth a block in the foundation of our adulthood. As an only child, you learn to treasure solitude, for the opportunity for it occurs more often than not...what you do with it is up to you.

I most often write in this space...this solitary minute in my lifetime. I think because it is gone so quickly, leaving me even as I write these words, I try with my writing to capture it for us or even future generations of people. You will be defined in time by how you are recorded today. I suppose I will organize my words in the best way to characterize myself in the future-or would that be simply promotion of false reality?

At times, I feel that much of history is merely an opinion of the writer. The spice, the color, the hero the-the villian, all created by one to entertain the masses. So here in solitude, I work diligently on the definition of self-

selfishly I see
nothing but my own future
right in front of
me
I extend my hand
to grasp it
pull it in
but it passes
swiftly
and I am left
alone
with no future
grasping at the present
afraid to look back at how
long it has
been
since my direction was clear
have to pray
my way outta
here
return to the quiet space
where
God whispers instructions
ever-so gently
listen
all is quiet.

Holiday Spirit

I went into the mall yesterday-with my Little Brother. Not my real Little Brother, but I am in the Big Brothers program in DC, so I had my little man with me yesterday. Our time was fun, but the mall...well, it was interesting. He was good the majority of time-but there were so many people that just seemed to be there. Out of obligation no less. I did not end up buying anything. I had already purchased his gifts. In reality I am just not feeling it. I have been trying to give of myself this season, perhaps more than before, to make up for my lack of energy when it comes to buying gifts.

I have so much going on financially, with my mortgage and bills, that buying gifts just does not excite me. The entire purpose I feel is becoming lost...like I had this discussion on-line with some family members about the entire gift cards issue. I mean, we pick a name and then you only buy a gift for the person whose name you choose. However, everyone was just saying they wanted a gift card to this store or that. There is a money limit-so I figure each person would buy a gift card for the money limit and trade them...that all just seemed like a formality. I mean gift buying is an illustration of the love shared when gifts were brought to Jesus at his birth. It was not just a going through the motions piece, but a well thought exchange.

I don't want to be a hypocrite, I like gift cards better than most but it is just that if 20 people are trading cards, just takes the whole wrapping paper, and excitement out of the gift exchange. Dulls it all for me. This brings me back to the mall. This is one of the worst economic periods of my lifetime, and I see folks with bags upon bags of stuff...and it makes me think are we even buying stuff for the spirit of things or for some unforseen obligation?

Maybe I am just on a different page this year...but I am trying to get into this holiday spirit. It is like four days left before the big day and I sit here, with no gifts at all. I may go out into the big world of shoppers today and test my endurance...then again. Regardless, I am happy it is Christmas time, and another year is about to be here. 2009 has big things within it so that is exciting. Maybe I will find the spirit by Monday. We shall see...

Ascension...

I finally put the Variations in Color-one man poetical experience-on before a live audience. From out of my head, and to the stage. Well, not a literal stage, but inside a the Douglass Learning Center in my hometown. It was a very good feeling for me, and I think the performance resonated with many that attended. That is in essence the only real reason I write and perform-to evoke thought and prayerfully action from that thought. I know the show is real heavy, but there is weight in truth-whatever that truth may be. It is never light-truth that is. THIS KNOWLEDGE WEIGHS A TON!!!

Regardless, it is done. It needs some work, but for the most part I think I can say I accomplished all that I wishted to with the initial offering. It is crazy though, much of the material came out of an entire other episode of my life...but things come full circle. I mean there is nothing new under the sun, and we are in a continual cycle of reinventing ourselves. I am trying to get the better me. It is definitely a work in progress-and the Variations piece is a reflection of that.

I did get an article in the paper though-twice in a weekend. I mean it was the local paper, but coverage is coverage brother LOL. I thought the write-up was real cool, and on the straight up and up so I cannot complain. It is all a part of the divine plan I think-what God has set in motion no one can destroy. Just have to remain faithful-there in lies the hard part. Sometimes when things are going well, well, we think that it is supposed to always be that way and that our dreams will happen along with ease. Everything takes work, dreams are no different. God has a plan yes, but in that plan is struggle, heartache, triumph and prayer. To truly ascend you must begin where...the bottom. To then climb higher, you must continue to overcome obstacles to then reach the next level. It is easy enough to see when in the realm of the hypothetical, difficult to digest when in the midst of the struggle.

Still, I feel right now...is my time. Not in a vain sense of it all, but my time to move the agenda of my spirit forward. The agenda placed there by God. Variations in Color is one of the vehicles. Let's ride.